Day 119- Singing

Morrisey is one of my favorite singers.

I like singing a lot.

I have jobs where I'm not usually interacting with people, and so am either by myself or just doing tasks that don't involve communicating too much with people, and sometimes I sing during work.

At two of my jobs I work with cooks who sing.

One I learn and practice doing higher pitch, because with my voice I usually would do low pitch.

Then with the other cook the way he sings is just fun, like he doesn't care what people think, because he's just having fun, so I practice that sometimes too.

So, in theory, I could sing my way through the majority of my life.

When I'm just doing dishes, or rolling dough, at work, it's fun and really great to be able to sing, when it does not interrupt anyone else's work.

The thing is, when I sing, I'm always trying to get it perfect.

It's like in my head I know what perfect should sound like, and I'm trying to graph that out with my voice, but it just doesn't work.

The best emulation I can do is of Morrisey, who is one of my favorite singers, but lately I've found myself unsatisfied, that I like to sing like
Morrisey, and sing his songs, but deep down I want to carve my own voice, and that I want to move forward, that some of his songs and his voice is a spark for me, but that I have to move forward in my life, realize what my voice is for myself.

I've created different singing styles and voices, emulated other singers, reached different pitches, done the kinds of things you play around with while singing, but I've never matched my voice with that picture of perfection in my mind.

Why does it have to be perfect?

I have the same relationship to breathing.

I try to breathe perfectly.

What is perfect?

I don't know.

All I know is that I can be a better singer, have more fun, accomplish more in singing, if I just let go of perfection .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my ability and capacity to sing when I try to sing from the idea of creating perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to emulate the idea and sound of perfection in my mind instead of just creating sound without so much prefixed structure and pressure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put pressure on myself to sing perfectly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define singing as pointless unless you're perfect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to by listening to music edited and manipulated give myself a false idea of what genuine unaltered singing really sounds like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with sadness when I feel like I can't reach the tone or the pitch or the sound that I want to create while singing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to box my expression of singing into the polarity of all or nothing, where my singing is either perfect or pointless depending on if it sounds good to me or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear singing without trying to sound good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I try to sing without sounding good as perfect I will try to control my voice if I hear myself sounding good on accident, and will thus inevitably fall back into the polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my voice while singing.

My singing is very stifled with being controlled to try to sound perfect, and deep down I know this ins't right.

Deep down I know I'd rather sing unconditionally, that I would be a better singer if I just let go, and sang to express myself.

I'm expressing my idea of perfection, so that is me expressing myself in a sense, that who I am is trying to be perfect.

So, maybe singing is showing me the reflection of who I am is also needing to let go, which is scary.

To stop trying to control certain things in my life.

If I'm trying to sing perfectly, yet I realize I could sing perfectly by stopping trying to be perfect, then what am I doing?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about my relationship to singing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide my relationship to singing from myself, because I'm scared of the truth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I sing to impress or to influence, which although I realize is true, I fear that there is a nefarious element to that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot be a perfect singer if I'm trying to impress other people with my voice.

Same thing, people would be more impressed if I weren't trying to impress, it's like jnyxing yourself.

It's like I wish I had just one thing going for me, like a story book, things aren't going well, but at least I can sing.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself jnxing myself by failing to create what I want to while singing, because I fear what it really requires as letting go and just expressing myself, as I realize that singing is a part of who I am, and is limited and stifled by the mental paradox I have place it in, and that as much as I identify with and enjoy singing, I have to be self honest and support myself within my relationship to singing, even if it doesn't take me where I might want it too.