Day 120- Being Upset and Mathmatics

There's always something to be upset about.

I try to just let go and not care, but that becomes circumventing the actual point, and a just a quick fix to suppress something that is upsetting me.

It's better to just be upset and face it, then to try to convince myself I don't care and that I can just let go, when I do care, and am looking for ways to avoid facing my problems and concerns in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing my relationship to being upset in my day-to-day by creating the illusion that I don't care what happens, so nothing matters and everything is ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place energy into lying to myself and going the length of trying to create an alternate space in my mind where nothing matters, so I can feel safe and not upset, when in reality my relationship to that which is upsetting me is only compounding further and getting worse.

I'm trying to tell myself that everything is alright, to feel better, instead of simply facing the mathematics, which are far more comforting and secure than how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize feelings instead of mathematics when I'm upset, because it's my feelings that upset me in the first place, and I'm only fueling the fire further, because when looking at the mathematics of any time I'm upset, the numbers usually crunch out to everything is fine, you're just making mountains of molehills, because you're not addressing the real numbers.

What are the numbers?

Odds, statistics.

I've done this before, I've seen this before, what happened last time? What's the odds of something different happening this time?

Based on the real world events and interactions that have taken place, what do I really think is occurring?

There's always a chance that the sky might fall, no matter what you do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that there is always a chance that things can go totally and utterly wrong at any moment for any reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I might one day be pushed past the bounds I can bare, and give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset when things go wrong because I fear that I might face the day or the point that totally consumes me and causes me to give up on life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to draw a line where I imagine I would give up, defined only by me getting upset that I appear to be nearing that line, when I'm upset based on illusions, and it's these illusions as the imagination that define the line.

I'm upset, because I'm driving myself mad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that my mind becomes obsessed over certain things, that I try to control and predict certain events and situations that I cannot, and thus, I'm upset because what I'm trying to accomplish in my mind is madness, no matter how many times I run the numbers, it's not good enough.

Without self forgiveness, then numbers are never good enough, the numbers don't change, they just become the reference from where I would stand.

I cannot convince myself that everything is ok, when deep down I believe that there's something wrong, something waiting to occur.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to believe that something bad will happen to me, when I become upset over thoughts in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not utilize self honesty when wanting to believe that something bad will happen to me when I become upset.

Why believe something will occur, with no evidence?

Because it's safer to bet on what might happen, than risk sitting back and letting it happen.

But there's nothing to be done, but to be upset, worried, worried about, relationships, job's, safety, money, influence, education.

You do what you do, there's something off about being upset, it's like attracting more problems, than resolving.

That's how a lot of emotions and feelings are.

If I could turn it around, or if it meant something else, what good did being upset represent to me in the first place?

It felt like I was dealing with the problem, by facing it before it happened.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control reality by facing problems on an emotional level before they have even arrived, or have proven to exist in any way, as I realize I'm going mad.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself going mad, as becoming upset about all the different
realities and scenarios that I can accumulate within my mind, as I realize that this is only showing me the extent of my relationship through emotions and feelings to a certain point, and that trying to deal with and emotionally come to terms as letting go of certain relationships is for me, only accomplished one way for real, and the rest is fauder, and biding my time going mad.