For me one of the most difficult things about dating is the lack of control.
There's no controling a relationship.
Only controling your part of the relationship.
There's no making people like you.
You have to like yourself, and people are drawn to that, but when done for real, you don't need to be liked by the person who likes or is interested in you, because you already like yourself.
Dating and relationships are just natural and fluid.
The only way to improve is to diffuse the positive/negative contractions.
The contract.
The contrast.
Maybe spend time with a girl and I hope she is interested in me, but either she is or she isn't, so what do I do, but enjoy the time I have with her, in whatever way I have, that's the best way to enjoy the relationship and potentially develop it mutually.
Simple, what stands in the way, the fear of the relationship not developing, and then the loss.
The fear of losing what might not be there, the fear of the truth of someone else's interest in you, not being what you feel for them.
What's the answer?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear someone else not reciprocating my feelings of interest or affection toward them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear appearing weak to others for not succeeding in my pursuit of a certain relationship with someone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as having failed in not convincing or persuading someone else to become interested in dating me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel bad when I fail to be someone who the person I like would like me back.
If relationships are winning and losing, then it's just a game. Games can be fun, but I don't want my relationships to be a game.
I want a serious relationship with a girl, the only way to achieve that is to stop making it a game of feelings and emotions.
Sometimes relationships feel good or feel bad, and sometimes that's what I make, I can't blame anyone else for that, because that's my responsability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope that the girl I like will like me back.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constrict myself within the good feeling of hope, which is part of the gamble of winning, where my hope either pays off where I feel great for winning because she likes me, or I feel worse then ever because my hope was failed.
The game of flower peddles, you pull the pedals and, 'she loves me', 'she loves me not' ,'she loves me'...'she loves me not'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to risk going into depression, where I play the game of hope and risk, where I put my heart on the line, in hopes of success, but depression if I lose.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put my heart on the line, expecting that to be reciprocated.
Then what's happens? She likes me enough to put her heart on the line as well? And she likes me enough to lead me on, to lie, to make me feel better.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry that someone would lead me on, to make me happy, when they didn't feel the way I felt for them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame someone else for feeling for me, when I'm the one who put my heart on the line and knew the risk.
Why would anyone want more risk in their life? Desperation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so desperate for a relationship to improve my life, that I would risk my life getting worse through disaster as reacting when things don't pan out.
'Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?'
'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar...'
The relationship always comes back to the individual participants.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define who I am in my relationships based on strings of relationships of me hoping this will be the one, and failing, because the risk wasn't worth it, even if she was the one.
If she was the one, I would not risk myself for her, that's not what 'the one' would want.
If she was the one she would want me to support myself, to be happy, to be stable, to live my life, to live a life to be enjoied for all.
To stop the risk, to stop risking my heart on the hope that she feels the way I do, because maybe this will be it, to repent for all past transgressions
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself hoping that the girl I like will feel the same way about me, as I realize myself as not wanting to create a relationship of risk, where I risk the downside of my hope if it fails, and as I realize myself as beginning to forgive myself for creating this construct which serves no purpose to begin with as making relationships a game of feelings.
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