I sit down to write, and I have many different ideas of things I could write about.
The problem I see is that, I know what I want from my writing, and from my life, to be content, and walk out in self forgiveness and correction of all the points I've formed within my mind.
The way my ideas swarm is more like buzzing out many different ideas to just get something on paper.
This makes sense, when I sometimes would rather be playing hearthstone, or doing a different activity then writing.
It makes sense I would rather storm the gates and be done with it, then really find something ground braking that will really improve my life.
I really am torn because there is the part of me that wants to have both, to spend time writing for myself, and the part that just see's it as an obligation.
It's really interesting.
Like I'm trying to change myself through action as just writing everyday and pushing through resistance to get the results I desire, yet part of me is holding me back in resentment.
I can see what it is with a little more clarity now.
It's a part of me I have hidden in plain sight.
'If we all just got along, and did out best, we wouldn't be in this situation on earth, so someone else is at fault, and it's not me, so I don't need to change'.
It seems bloated and complicated, but it really comes down to self responsibility, not being responsible to fix the world, but to fix myself within and in relationship to my world.
A simple misconception of the formula, which I have been walking with through the assistance of several different people in many different realms within my life.
Everyone I know, seems to already know, what I needed to know, I just had to ask, to admit defeat, without surrender.
Pin the tail on the donkey.
Someone else needs to fix the world, I can do as I please, 'I'm not really' obligated.
It's so simple that I want to just take a swing at it instead of dragging it out.
I support myself to say, stop anger, I no longer support or stand for anger in my world, I'm one life standing to stop anger, I live my life... How do I live my life? In ways that support me as an individual, and wherever I go to support myself as an individual to my best ability, because that's what's best for life as myself as all of life, I will not be angry wherever I go, and share that with others automatically.
Basically, it really is just self forgiveness, there's nothing else to the formula except reapplication, which is recognizing what is best for life and acting on that instead of on anger or whatever was in the way.
Really really hard to go wrong here, so why do I create so many ideas for my writing? Because I want to take a break, why do I keep writing anyways? Because I see that taking a break will not support me, so taking a break, is like blowing off steam, relaxing, sleeping, eating, getting high, playing, taking it slow, stretching.
That's all 'good', contrary, to conviction, and discipline, and hard work and ethic, which are 'bad'.
I would say you can actually have both, and both can be supportive, like hot and cold, both equal but different.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as bad for wanting to indulge in taking a break from all the work and obligation I have.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make things more difficult for myself, as boxing myself in, with judgement, as bad as wrong, when in simply taking just a moment to open up the point, I can see that im not living as breathing as working and playing, sleeping and being up, laughing and crying, I'm believing that I must be all work all the time to accomplish anything, but I've been acting on that as if it is the only thing I have to hang onto, when in taking just one moment, I can instantly diffuse the situation.
I just recently allowed myself to slow down, and take a break of sorts, layed off the peddle and the pressure, and I'm now doing better than I ever have before in my entire life.
But I changed my mind and my actions, but not who I am through my living my word my breathe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as the character of 'all in', as all or nothing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my actions to be influenced by a character as ego, which represents selfishness, and holiness, where either you take it all, or you give it all, not very practical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my angel and devil complex as ego influence my actions as a living being where in living it's not all or nothing, it isn't bold selfless or selfish actions that define who you are, you're define for real by what you live breathe and stand for in each moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be above living application as ego, where I'd try to ascend the physical boundaries, and achieve enlightenment, or befall madness.
So when writing is either madness, or enlightenment, when everything is good or bad, the end or the beginning, it becomes a big burden to carry.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry so much guilt within myself because I have placed too much pressure on myself to be either right or wrong at all times, and thus leave so many empty holes within myself that they are filled with guilt, of never having done it quite right, because it was never possible.
I commit myself to take care of myself as one and equal to all of life, in simplicity and without guilt, because nothing but that is possible for real, in self honesty.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself placing guilt on having done something wrong, as I realize everything I do will either be right or wrong based on my programming, and what I would like to stand for is the freedom of preprogramming, as the freedom of good and evil.
Good and evil is obviously very played out, but I still have to change it, I still have to change myself.
Why do I have so many ideas for my writing yet none that really seem to stick, because I want to take a break and play hearthstone, I've done enough good for this day, I went to work for 2 shifts, 8 hours, that's good enough for one day?
It's good enough to survive, but what about thriving?
What about sitting down and writing not just to get it done, to get it right, but to thrive and enjoy through self enlightenment, what about enjoying work even more, where there's little to do in self forgiveness and writing at work, but in each breathe I could be comfortable and relaxed and competent, and improving, creating myself, not just as a worker, but as a living being in this place in time, for the rest of time.
So just getting on with it, to play hearthstone.
A new expansion did come out for hearthstone, but at what point do I let go of trivial things and embrace constant self improvement, you can't go wrong with self improvement...
But that's the funny thing, you can't go 'wrong', if you can go wrong, you can go 'right.'
The frightening point that I realize that really cuts through all the ideas I have about self forgiveness and equality and self improvement, is that if it's all right, then it's all wrong.
Everything is opposite, everything is backwards, everything is misaligned.
So why am I sad now?
Because everything is fine, and I am perfectly exactly where I should be.
But that doesn't make me happy, because if it's not guilt, I need something to fill the hole inside of me.
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