Day- 14 Discovering my Life consist of total Fear.

When I have a particular point to write about, recently I noticed that one of the first things I will write is self forgiveness for fearing facing the point. Not that it is the core of any particular problem, but it is why I have waited so long to address the point. I am fear, it is how I live in each breathe, and in the acceptance and allowance to continue living this way I am allowing fear to exist, for me, and all equally. I permit all life to live in paralyzing fear. Total fear in all ways.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow a world to exist of nothing but fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on fear in every breathe I take.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear every conceivable thing I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I have no control over anything in my existence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won’t make it beyond death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self honesty.

The point here is not to write out every single thing I fear, but to write out for myself the extent of how much of my existence is fear.

To show me why fear is one of the first things I have been facing within many of the points of self forgiveness that I write.

Because, I am paralyzed with fear in each moment, it inhibits all of my internal functions, where I cannot even breathe within self awareness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deprive myself my self awareness within breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold fear in the place of my own breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so full of fear that I have shut out everything that is physical and have meticulously forced myself into a state of mind where I’m still living in total fear, but do not care.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never really lived without fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never have made a single choice for myself in my entire life, because every decision I ever have made was rooted within the fear that is the core of my total participation as consciences.

There is no reason to worry about others, as I know I will allow them to exist in total fear without a second thought, because that is what I permit within myself.

There is no real compassion in the world until fear is faced within self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be docile by playing games, watching TV/videos, where the realization of my existence as fear cannot efficiently penetrate my psyche.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to play video games and watch TV/videos, because it is the quickest way to suppress my awareness of the fear.

I realize I have reached a point where I am waiting for death. I have, as long as I can remember, gone to school/work, go home and find a way to distract myself, never once have I realized the true nature of my behavior until today.

Yet still I am not rising to action, still I am only temporarily subverting my fear by writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write self forgiveness without self honesty as writing just so I can be distracted from my life for a little while, making it no more then a movie I watch with my brain turned off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to degrade my self forgiveness by manipulating it to be no more then a meaningless distraction, because within myself I fear that I am not willing to do what it takes to walk the process of self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I don’t have what it takes to walk the process of self forgiveness, because I believe my body and mind is to rotted to the core with fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up on myself’, as giving into the fear which permeates from within me.

I fear I will lose it all.

I fear I can’t do it.

I fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to breed so much emotional charge within the word fear, that just writing about it, puts me into a state of distress.

I commit myself to continue to write myself out in self honesty and self forgiveness, no matter how much my fear would like to take that choice away from me, as I have allowed myself to have no choice, but self forgiveness has been the first choice I have ever made, as the free will to chose what’s best for life within self honesty and self forgiveness.

I realize even fear can not trump a living being that stands for what is best for all as one and equal together within self forgiveness.