I see how I like to write myself into my self forgiveness.
I like to open up different aspects and elements and realizations, and then use that as a guiding force.
Where it is not me thinking, write this, then write that, it's me here writing myself whatever is needed to support me to get to the points of self forgiveness I'd like to address within the writing.
Yet, with this point, it's like, such a large mass that I couldn't find any opening, I just have to begin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the state of self suspension as entertainment as I'm playing video games or watching other forms of entertainment, where I feel as though my life will not become any more than it is, so I spend my free time in a stasis of watching a screen and tuning in, while tuning myself out.
I get home from work or school, and I'm like, 'that's it', 'I'm spent', 'time to tune out'.
That's a system, a systematic application of my mind.
A clear indication of the weakness I've developed within my mind.
I take a clear stance here, now, to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to systematically create weakness within me, where I decide I am too tired, and too overwhelmed, and decide to check out for the night, until I'm nodding off looking at a screen.
I am here, I am demanding more from myself.
I am giving more to myself.
I have committed myself to life as one and equal, and I cannot stand by and watch myself throw away all the opportunity I have within Desteni, within my own work's and other's, as I settle for coming home, writing a little, and then passing out in stasis watching some show or some game.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up and facing my relationship to entertainment, because I see myself as not strong enough.
The strength I do not have, is the strength I have deliberately given away, but as I work, as I move forward within my process, as I learn, I can see that fire, that will, the life that I could create as best as equal as one.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself within my state of stasis as playing games and watching screens, where I am too tired to face life.
I commit myself to force myself to work harder within my process and within my day to day.
I commit myself to go further within my life.
I commit myself to 'be more' as realizing the mental obstructions I have created, forgiving them, and committing myself to applying real change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to play video games.
Here and now I have never seen my mind's influence so vividly.
When at work and school or interacting with other's, there is so much happening in real time to work with and interact with, but here now, in silence, writing myself out, I can see the desire to call it quits for the night and play my games so vividly, like I can see the actual string be tugged in my minds eye.
My mind, influencing me, life.
In my video game self forgiveness from the other day, I committed myself to 'play that game', where I am not 'passing the time', or just 'checking out for the night', but deliberately making a decision for and as myself to not pass judgement or suppress myself from making the decision, but committing myself to be here with myself as I do it, as actively being a part of the creation of me playing my game.
and that's fine, that's still fine, but this string tugging me as life, is not fine, that is not me playing that game as and for myself.
If anything writing here and now is an uphill battle against my mind, not what my mind is trying to convince me to do.
To play that game under the influence of my mind like that as desire for fulfillment, as hunger for entertainment, is not me playing that game, it's me playing my mind.
It's not me making the decision for and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a desire for entertainment that pulls me out of myself and into my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe so sincerely that this desire is who I am, and that no alternatives for self transformation are available, that it requires me almost to an extent within my current exhaustion hallucinating about playing my game, and in that moment realizing that this is the most defined mental construct I've ever faced that then I realize what must be done as stopping my participation and relationship to this construct.
So for now, I go softly, yet firmly, as I commit myself to stop breathe and correct myself when and as the desire to go into the state of stasis as entertainment arises, and realize for myself, in self honesty, how I might other wise spend my time and allowance as the mind.
This is a step, I'm not committing myself to stop anything regarding games or videos, I'm committing myself to stop the desire, as stop, breathe, and direct, when and as I see the desire to watch/play arise.
But, here's the fun part... I stop, breathe, and direct/correct myself here as not participating within the desire within my mind, but then, I realize how I might decide to spend my time within that moment of stopping...
Will my mind continue to find more ways to influence me to play video games?
Will I decide for myself to play my video games, or watch funny videos on the internet?
Will I realize I am ready and willing to devote every spare moment I have to myself as life, and no longer regard playing video games as being what will support me as bringing about what is best for all of life as one and equal, and so no longer playing them unless I decide to under some stringent circumstance?
I don't know, all I know to do, is stop, breathe, and direct myself when the desire for entertainment arise, and to realize in self honesty what I am participating in when I decide to act as playing games/watching videos and realize how else I might best spend my time.
To commit myself to devote every spare moment I have to myself as life and realizing playing games does not support that and so no longer playing games unless under some stringent set of circumstance would be jumping the gun.
It would be putting myself in the corner knowing that I am likely to just claw my way back out.
I have given myself a fun, and practical self honest step towards realizing for and as myself how to spend my time in a way that will support me as life within my process, and I will not squander that by making bold commitments that are so specific that I realize I probably would not be able to stand for.
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