I walked to go have a cigarette out in the desert/wash by my house and I felt this experience taking over my entire essence.
To describe it was like a 'spiritual feeling', but of fear, fear of everything and everyone, and it felt as though I had lost all stability within my mind and self awareness as breathe, and I start to feel like the world could snatch me up and destroy me at any moment, and I was just a small blip on the radar.
I could speak of some of the thoughts and expiernece and how I felt like I could look beyond what was here and into another realm, and obviously from there right out these things in self forgiveness, but instead I see how more pertinent it is to go much further back than this afternoon.
Because stepping outside has always been something that can trigger any number of things, but there is a story behind that, what happened today was just an off shoot of what was programmed a long time ago.
I have a long standing relationship to going outdoors, as when I was a much younger person, and just a kid 10 years old or so, and I would 'love' to go out in the desert and take it all in.
I 'loved' to let the expiernece of being out In the wild open desert beyond my house take me over.
In the action of digging up these memories, I can already start to pull up many elements of what occurred, but instead of going as far back as I can, I'll go somewhere in-between, because there is a specific memory that stands out and in it it I remember being very frightening.
I think that this point of fear within the memory of going out for a walk in the desert to take it all in is a good starting point moving forward.
I was a young kid, walking farther out in the desert than I normally go, I wandered past a beaten down fence, and was heading toward the mountains in the distance.
It was broad day light, but the entire space of my walk was covered in small tree like shrubs, and high bushes, so I did not see what I was walking toward until I was very close.
I saw a pack of wild dogs, I was nervous because I was walking right toward them, but was immature in thinking that they would not bother me, like I was better than being attacked by a pack of wild dogs, there was also this element of high and mighty, like nothing can stop me, so I walk toward them, just a few steps, when I saw something else in front of the dogs.
As it got closer I saw a man who I had not initially seen because he was wearing camouflage, like you see worn by hunters.
He came up to me, and I was terrified, more than I was of the dogs, it was like to me, I'm better than being attacked by a wild dog, but a wild man? I thought I was actually in danger for real.
Looking back I see how i, in my safe and secure suburban upbringing did not know fear, but I saw fear in this man, living out in the desert (he may have had a shack or something, but I never found out) but from his withered face and clothes he looked like he 'been around' big time.
As he got closer walking toward me I was thinking 'this is it' like I'd finally found myself in real trouble wandering around for as long as I had.
In fear I started to take my coat off and asked if he wanted it, it was just an instinct without even thinking I thought I could just 'pay him off'
He didn't seem to notice, because he started asking how I got out there, I told him the fense was broken, (The fense was broken and destroyed in some places, but the part I went through I had actually jumped over assuming that it was just the government putting fense over everything as they tend to do, and it was just open desert.)
He said that it was his land and I was lucky he was out there because the dogs I had seen were guard dogs he raised and sold for part of his living at least.
He pulled out a cell phone and wiped dirt off it, looking at something on it, at this point I realized he seemed civil enough and I would probably be OK.
After that we actually just talked, just about things, it was interesting.
But if I hadn't taken those few extra steps toward those dogs in being so full of myself, I might not have had to become possessed with fear of seeing this man come out of no where coming right toward me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ask for trouble by walking toward those dogs as if it were a challenge of my mental fortitude to be fearless in the face of these wild animals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was better than being attacked by wild animals.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take those few extra steps after noticing the dogs instead of turning back for my own safety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I had some higher force of spirit where some one else might be attacked by wild dogs but I would not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe if I did not fear the dogs and kept walking in there direction that they would not bother me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to walk towards the dogs because I was interested in them, and in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my curiosity put me at real physical risk.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear this wild man coming toward me.
Although I could have been killed by this man and no one might ever find out, it does not mean I should have given into fear in that moment, as bizarre a concept as it seems.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear of who this man is and why he is walking towards me hold me in total paralysis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on this fear by taking off my coat to offer him and asking if he wanted it.
I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself here as the physical, when and as I see myself letting my curiosity get the better of my best judgement of a situation.
I commit myself to not let my ideas and perceptions of who I am represent something I am not, as a higher being above consequence and repercussion.
I commit myself to use discretion in my day to day, to see who I take myself as within a given situation, and make sure not to act on it, knowing that I am not whatever ideas of myself I conjure up, I can be hurt, I face consequence, and I commit myself to make decisions based on self responsibility where I do not challenge the universe just to see what will happen.
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