Day- 19 Self Tummy Judgement

I'm tired of judging my tummy. I have this pooch of tummy fat, it seems like baby fat that I never grew into.

I hate how disgusted I am in just writing about my own body.

I have deal with what I've created in my mind, but I also have to deal with working in the physical with the body I am dedicated to until death.

I have a hellish relationship to my stomach, I tried to speak self forgiveness out loud about it, but it did not stick, it was not specific enough, it was not a point to just skim over, like a mundane little thing I might speak self forgiveness for whilst taking a walk or something.

I have spoken to other people about weight and body type, but it gave me no solace because I'm not actually looking in self honesty at my relationship to my body, in this case the fat rim around my lower tummy.

I knew it would give me no solace discussing it with other people, because I need self acceptance as self honesty and real introspection, not to be told what will make me feel more secure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word tummy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge thinking/noticing your tummy as a 'girl thing'.

Like, 'men just embrace whatever form they take and don't care'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to just not care about what form my body is taking and showing me who I am in the physical, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress the fact that I am self conscience about my tummy, by imposing a whole nother system on top of this insecurity of 'guys don't care about tummy's so neither will i'

Looking back, I remember a long time ago looking in the mirror and thinking where is this belly coming from? How have I gained this weight seemingly out of no where.

It wasn't an interest in what form I'm taking physically and how my body is developing as time and participation, it was a shock, like 'I can't get a girl with a body like this'

Fair enough, that could be true, yet, regardless of what anyone else perceived me as, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into shock at looking at my body in the mirror and fearing that I will never be able to get a girlfriend with the body I am forming, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that my body would not attract me a mate, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to concern myself with how others would perceive my tummy after looking at it in the mirror and having this experience of shock.

I commit myself to actually investigate my body for myself, and to no longer concern myself with my body in relationship to having an 'attractive tummy', but instead to learning about my tummy and my relationship to it as my self as my own substance in self honesty and self forgiveness.

I commit myself to be as gross looking and fat as my body shapes itself to be, and to investigate such things in self honesty, so that if I think wow I have put on weight, I can investigate this point of judgement or whatever my relationship is in that moment alone as self intimacy, and self honesty, without the thought of, wow 'I've put on weight, girls won't like that'

I must face my body from the perspective of self honestly reviewing my relationship to it, and not face it as what I perceive women as being attracted too.

I must remove this outward relationship of women within my mind from the equation, so I can be self honest alone within myself, and not the over hanging thought of what would a girl think? That is not self honest investigation.

I commit myself to see all the hate and spite for my own body, to see all the love and compassion, alone in self investigation, as I stop breathe and direct myself here as my body, when and as, I see myself allowing the perspective of what would a girl think, influence me in self honesty opening up my relationship to my own body, so if I feel fat, I can investiagte in self honesty, if I feel like my tummy is gross, I can investiagte for myself in self honesty, not as the thought, I need to do something about not looking the way girls will like me to in my mind, so I will hold my tummy in to look Skinner than I would be if I weren't holding in my tummy.

I commit myself to stop breathe and correct when and as I see myself concerning myself with what others might think about my tummy, and instead to let all my thought feelings and reactions pour out for myself to investigate, and to stop the suppression of self investigation out of fear of what others think in their minds which is not of my concern.