Day 158- Redefing Focus

I focus on too much all at once.

I focus on breathing.

I focus on my mind too much.

I've seen focus as cool, like when you're totally focused on one thing you don't stop until you've succeed.

I remember being in school, and knowing I am extremely capable of focusing, paying attention to listen to my assignment, but just not caring, and caring more to focus on my mind which is more entertaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on energy and my mind when focusing on these points doesn't make them go away, it just draws my attention away from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my fears and paranoia's when these points particularly have shown me that the more I dwell the more I go deep deep into my mind of fear and paranoia until it seems totally real, based all on a thought that I focused in on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I have the power and potential to in a single breathe focus on the physical, my breathe, what's here, what's real, and in that I can reach my ultimate potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus be swayed so easily at the drop of a pin, where I'm not willing to live my ultimate potential, instead live the word sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my appearance, distracting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on how I appear to others instead of focusing on what is real, as I realize I'm not in the minds of others I'm in my own mind of fear of what I could potentially appear to be toward other's.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word focus with more conviction, where I know focus can be very very supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live focus as energy, where I focus on media and entertainment to alleviate my tiredness, where I'm tired of focusing on breathing and directing myself, but when I focus on media, everything just fades into white noise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on other's and supporting other's when that's a misalignment of myself when I'm not even in a position to support myself, I should have taken a step back and considered what was best for life starting with myself in self honesty, which usually means just walking away from others and opening up in writing in speaking in self investigation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on memories, where I know there's nothing to be obtained, I'm just dwelling over emotions and feelings, looking to get one more hit off the pipe of the mind system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my focus have a mind of its own, where I'm not the one directing myself to be focus on what's here and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on my day tomorrow, when what I'm focusing on is my dread of tomorrow, and what if things go according to my mind's predictions, instead of me just directing myself to live my life to focus myself, to direct myself.

I've lived focus like a madman, focusing on insane things, constantly, dragging myself down the rabbit hole of the mind over and over again.

Let's just do it, let's focus,

When and as I see myself being directed where my focus is not meant to go and meant to be directed, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am my power of focus, I realize I am the one who allows my focus to be misguided, I just need to question why in self honesty, thus, I commit myself to not tolerate my focus going where I do not permit it to go. I commit myself to decide for myself what I focus on without excuses. I commit myself to not participate within my mind when my mind focus on something in not the one directing it to do so.

Making my focus my own, my decision, self honest and not
influenced, needing only time and application to bring into real living forgiveness and manifesting.

I redefine focus as the lens, I redefine focus as opening up. I redefine focus as expanding on a single specific point.

So, focus can be used to focus on dreams and desires and nonsense, or it can be used to create myself as focusing on being here and living who I'd like to be in each moment.

Day 157- Creating Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not having any potential, as an excuse to not reach for my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the excuse of having no potential because I don't want to put the work into creating myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself I'm lazy, when that's not who I am, but is what I created through living the word lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as only being able to accomplish so much, because I don't want to put the energy into creating myself.

I see the potential of what I could create as myself, but what if I fail?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing as giving into ego, as creating myself out of separation as superiority/inferiority.

So superior and inferior, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to one and equal as life because of how unstable my thoughts are.

I look at how I've judged others as inferior for there thought patterns and reaction patterns, and it really was just about me, judging what I had seen in myself, trying to be superior to what I've become through my own mind design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I don't know what I want for myself and my life.

I don't need to be unsure, but it's also ok to not be sure just yet certain things, it's the experience of being torn, like I need to know what I'm doing with my life right this moment or I'll be forever lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull myself apart in trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing with my life, where I don't even apply self honesty, I just want the answers to come to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the answers in my life to just come to me without me having to apply myself, leading to consequences, where the answers will come to me in time, but without me having put in any effort or having applied myself, the answers won't be coming the ways I might have liked then to.

Apply Myself.

I commit myself to apply myself more.

I don't want to do that, but I think it was for the best.

I wish I hadn't committed myself to apply myself more, I wish instead I had committed myself to play more video games, because there are some good video games coming out, and I'd rather play games than apply myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my best interest, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question in self honesty what is in my best interest as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as life needing to be honored and respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself at all outside of my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold thoughts and emotions over my well being and success as a living being on earth, because that's where I am for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing how I live as certain words.

If I redefine a word, and realize maybe, what I would realize is the way I want to live the word resentful, is by practically and accepting changing the things I resent on earth, like violence, changing the violence within me, changing how I live the word violent, to living the word violence in not participating in violence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word stubborn by holding onto words I don't want to have anything to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself as a living being by actively and directly addressing the vocabulary I live and direct myself by, and changing it, sculpting it, redefining it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define changing my living word as too tedious, when, in self honesty, it's funny I'd say that, because it's just self forgiveness and self honesty, what I've been doing everyday, but to me it's a little more specific, a little more advanced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word lazy in relationship to changing my living word, when I literally just changed how I live the word lazy in this statement, and it was the same as anything else.

So this blog today, is about me creating myself,

One thing I noticed was how I committed myself to improve by applying myself, even though I'd rather just play video games.

But, I didn't give up, I just was faced with resistance, which is ok.

When and as I see myself facing resistance when trying to create myself, as directing and creating who I am and what I'm living, I stop, I breathe, I realize the resistance is showing me how I've tolerated what is not in my best interest for so long, that thusly, I commit myself to not be influenced by resistance by sticking to what I decide and realize is best for myself whenever possible, and thus showing the resistance that I am not standing for resistance, I'm standing for what's best for myself as life, when I make decisions that aren't influenced by negative or positive reactions.

One thing I will mention briefly. Is how I get into these energetic patterns of comfort, where I appease exactly what energetically comforts me, so for example I decided I would write more for today on the forum, but some things came up, and then I decided I would face less resistance if I changed what I wanted to do, so then I also just do whatever I want, and that can be influenced easily.

That's just an important part of creating myself, because most importantly I create myself through time, and when I waste my time willfully to appease my comfort of pace, I see why I think this is best for me, yet I can also see in self honesty there some neglect taking place, where I'm living the words passive, giving up, surrender, in the name and word of satisfaction, which hardly even well defined.

Then, what happens, is, all of a sudden, when I finally have to
make the time to do my blog (at the very least) then it's like a real struggle, because I just let the resistance build up until I desired to face it, idk, pretty complicated means of applying myself, so I'll see whats going on tomorrow.

I commit myself to investigate how I apply myself tomorrow.

Ok, good job.

Day 156- Sleep Problems

Every day I wake up I feel like I'm not ready to get up.

In recent memory, it's not sometimes that I wake up like this, it's every time.

But then I'll have days when I'm writing my blog, and I can't think of anything to write about, and it's like I forget that the painful waking up experience had even occurred, even though I make a mental note every time it happens, that, I need to work on my sleep, I need to take a nap when I get home for the day, I need to write about this, but I always forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the bad experience of waking up and feeling as though I have no strength or will to leave my bed.

Cutting myself off, as having to get up and go to work, or whatever I'm getting up for, feels like cutting me off from an addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling I have while I'm asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through this traumatic experience of cutting myself off from sleep every night, yet never delve back into investigation, where I just hope each night that I will sleep better, and thus wake up feeling ready to start my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my traumatic waking up experience each night with the feeling of hope that the next night will be better, and will be a more rewarding sleep session.

One specific thing I want to work on which has to do with the suppression is, when I wake up, and I feel like, I didn't sleep enough, but it's almost time to get up and go, so I get upset in my head, and I say 'this isn't fair', 'this sucks', 'I can't believe this'

Here I can see the emotions, where I'm sad upset depressed, because it's 'not fair'

Before I even question what is or isn't fair about this particular sleeping situation, I say,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with extreme negative emotion when I have to get up but am not ready to get up yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame something for making this sleep situation not fair for me, when, I don't know what I'm blaming, or what part of myself I blame, but it's this feeling that something is being done to me by something outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself for not fulfilling my 'need' to get something particular out of sleep.

What is this need?

Everyday I feel this same desire and need for more sleep, yet I get up and function just fine, if not very well during my day, how could I 'need' this feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body become addicted to excess amounts of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my hunt for 'perfect' sleep.

Perfect sleep being, waking up feeling fulfilled, feeling ready to get up, feeling like I've slept enough, feeling like I do not need to lay back down now that I'm awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hunt for this perfect sleep in separation from myself as the arbiter of my own body.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself this isn't fair that I have to wake up when I don't feel up to it, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've made this problem and contributed to it by not effectively waking myself up by going back to sleep after my alarm went off, thus, I commit myself to push myself harder in trying to wake up in silence and self movement of starting my day by directing myself to wake up when it's time to get up regardless of how I feel, as well as not contributing to the thinking about all the ways it isn't fair that I have to get up when it's time to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word 'contradiction' when I feel victimized by not getting a quality amount of sleep, as feeling good after I get up, when I don't even fight back against myself, if I'm being victimized by myself, why don't I fight back?... I'd rather roll over... and go back to sleep.

It catches me off guard every single night, I'm not ready to fight, I'm not ready to do anything, it's like everything within me has just been re-calibrated, and I'm not ready to put it all together.

I wake up living the words hostile, like I'm angry that I'm awake, but I'm also living the word passive, where I just want to roll back over... So hostile yet passive, makes passive aggressive.

Which ties into my life, because I'm a passive aggressive person.

I have manifested a lot of passive aggressive tendencies, where I'm mad or upset about something in my world, yet take a passive role of just sitting there fuming, not finding a direct route to resolution, just waiting for the problem to go away.

This sleep problem is not going to go away on it's own any time soon from what I've seen of it, so I commit myself to live the words, direct patience, in relationship to my sleep problem of waking up, because direct patience, is the opposite of passive aggressive.

So that shows how in everything within me as my mind being interrelated, how this personality of passively tolerating my problems and just letting myself throw a fit bleeds into all realms of my life, with people, and even with sleep or other problems, I just get upset, and then wait for things to resolve themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive aggressive in relationship to my sleeping problem, instead of just seeing I have a problem and finding a timely and appropriate resolution.

One thing is that I'm passively aggressively upset that I have to write about this point, because I have been hoping that I just go into bed with the mindset of sleeping the way I want to, and eventually coming out the other end with my intentions having manifested, but no, I clearly have to write about it, I clearly have to write self forgiveness about it, but I wished that I could have just one thing in my life not need my direct written stated attention, I wish just one thing could be wished into existence, I wish that I could wish for better sleep.

I wish I could make just one wish come true, but instead I'm forced to learn about how things really work.

So, I've seen passive aggressive, and wishful thinking, Passively wishing things will get better, all the while getting angry that they aren't getting better. So, that's a cool personality construct to be paying more attention too, because I already know I have some serious anger/aggression issues that need to diffused.

I commit myself to deal with my issues head on, instead of passively becoming angry that my issues aren't being attended too.

Day 155- Pull it Together

I was pretty stumped, and still am a little bit.

I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I'm just sitting trying to get something to come out of my head.

I was trying to pull myself together to come up with something to write about, and that's how I felt inside, I feel inside like I'm trying to put all the pieces together, trying to pull everything together.

I feel like I've been living the phrase 'pull it together' for a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to pull myself together in each breathe without more efficiency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be as efficient as I can in certain parts of my life because I judge efficiency as an inhibitor of my creative potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart, if I need to pull myself together, than I've fallen apart, but I'm constantly trying to pull myself together, so I'm not forgiving myself for falling apart, I can't even see how I got to where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change myself in pulling myself together without forgiving me for falling apart in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not self honestly look at why I've allowed myself to fall apart.

Why? Why did I allow myself to fall apart? I don't remember, but I'd say it's because I didn't trust myself to give myself any direction, so just became another automated system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by not giving myself a purpose, a direction, a meaning to live in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by not giving myself words to live for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart because I have lived words that have been shallow and not representing my utmost potential by any degree at all, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by living words that limit who I am to definitions based on personal interest and bias.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the living words within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for the words I've been living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the living word as just another idea, a small part of the greater whole, when it's one and equal to the entire whole, the whole of the components that I consist of.

I'm living the words fast, go go go.

I'm living the words tired, I want to go to sleep.

I'm living the words hollow, I'm living and breathing but don't fill full.

I'd like to live the word, complete

I'd like to live the word, peace

I'd like to live the word, serenity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the power of my living words to energy generated in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the words I live with integrity, where instead I judge the words I live, and so live the word judgement.

I see all this stuff about living words, and I'm like, 'great', more stuff to pile on, more things I have to solve and figure out for myself, but in giving it a shot and trying to learn how to redefine words, and practicing on my own, I'm thinking, in most memories I remember how I felt, happy, or sad, or neutral, and in words I see there's a much bigger chasm and depth to how each moment is lived and expressed.

I remember living the word unsure a lot in my life.

I remember living the word callus.

I remember living the word confronting.

I remember living the word hostile.

I remember living the word cautious.

I remember living the word silent.

I remember living the word depth.

I remember living the word dream.

I remember living the word distant.

I remember living words.

So now I find myself living the words, pull it together.

What other words are present?

Shifty, restless, deep, endless, pointless, comical, needing, resentful.

That's a few words I'm living within the phrase pull it together, but when I started writing I couldn't pull anything together, but now I can pull and string lots of different words I'm living together.

It's like I opened up and stepped through another dimension, where I could see myself from another position I'd not considered before.

I see that If I don't forgive myself, I'm going to keep trying to change myself without merit, consent, reason, agreement, consideration, development, fortitude.

Changing myself is what I'm trying to do when I try to pull myself together.

I have an idea, I'm living the word idea.

For my commitment statement.

When and as I see myself living the phrase pulling myself together within my beinging, within my breathing, I stop, breathe, I realize I'm an entire living construct, I realize there is not a chance that all I'm living is the phrase 'pull it together', I realize that's just a narrow tunnel I've forced myself into through conscience energy, thus, I commit myself to see what other words I'm living and are integrated into the living phrase of 'Pull it together'.

I commit myself to stop being afraid
of living words, and embrace them as a full meaningful part of my process.

Day 154- My Idea of a Great Life for Me.

My idea of a great life for me, starts with having food and shelter.

I would work and go to school, and through going to school get educated to get better jobs and more knowledge and experience by working and going to school.

I like to imagine getting more education beyond just one degree or skill.

Then with that I can expand based on wherever I'm at within my internal process and however it will branch out would be based on and reflection of where I'm at within myself.

That's one part.

The next part is to grow more and more directive, where more and more I am here breathing living in the most effective way, the most centered as the physical way, and also this can include eating better and exercise and little improvements.

The problem I just realized with how I'm trying to live this great life, is that I always experience myself working towards an end goal of sorts, I've been very end goal orientated, but it's become too obsessive.

I have a good simple outline for me to live a great life, there's external factors which could complicate things, but I can't consciously predict those things, I should try to relax more, but I'm afraid to just be in the moment, I'm afraid I'll lose my 'way' If I'm not constantly focused on things pushing me towards a goal, which has nothing to do with my idea of a great life because these goals I'm pushing myself towards aren't related to work and school, it's like I can't be in the moment, I always end up pushing myself around all over the place.

My major goals and challenges are all set up, I should be able to just live and explore more in the moment.

It's like I need this control over myself, like I'm afraid of drifting off.

Like I always need a conflict to keep my in check.

One thing I wish I could create within myself to help me walk through moment to moment, is I wish I could function without thinking so much.

I'm easily convinced into giving authority to my thoughts and thinking, It's very easy for me to get sucked into some idea or train of thought or dream or experience, like I'm not comfortable if my attention is rooted totally on the physical with only strict exception for very specific and precise thoughts about what I will do here or there, basically mostly scheduling, and occasionally thinking about how certain things work and function, a sort of analysis of certain things, to allow me to take a step back to a degree and consider how things work.

That's my great idea of how to use thinking the most efficiently I can conceive of for where I'm at in my life right now.

I'm very attached to the idea of indulging in thinking, where I'll justify thinking and imagining about a show or media type outlet.

So, this indulgence prevents me from living my thinking idea of great thinking, and my idea of great thinking supports me in fucntioning and living my life based around my idea of a great life.

I feel limited by not letting my mind wander, but letting my mind wander limits me, because I don't accomplish the things I want, like being in the moment, or being the most efficient I can at whatever task I'm doing at had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself define my mind wandering as an innocent harmless enjoyable thing, when I've seen that it's a moment of letting go, which is really just suppressing, and that it catches up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a life where I don't let my mind wander as being dreary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my potential and capacity of being here and living and fucntioning to my ultimate ability, when I fear not having a way to drift off sometimes.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can drift off as the physical while still being self directive, where I can let myself explore different aspects of the physical in each breathe and discover more of what's here as life in each breathe without any particular direction, and this is me drifting off, but not losing myself to my mind of drifting off into fear and anxiety and worry and dreams.

That remind me of my long standing rivalry with dreams, but I don't want to get into that here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and perceive my thinking and drifting mind as untamable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back down from the challenge of taming my apparently 'untamable' drifting mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and apply the equality principle to my mind, where if I can stand and be directive in relationship to one single tiny bit of my mind, the same applies to the rest of it, as all of it can be stood and directed, so the experience of it being untamable is just me stepping down from the challenge.

I'm looking for a way to support myself to be more here in the moment, to stop pushing myself forward constantly to no end, for no good purpose at this point.

The challenge of remaining here and focused on breathing and exploring the physical in breathe and through my body without drifting off within my mind is a good healthy challenge to keep me focused on being here and being present.

So,

When and as I see myself drifting off within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize the more I become possessed and give into fear and judgement, the further down the rabbit hole of the mind I go, but the more I breathe focus on what's here and direct myself to my best ability, the more down the rabbit hole of life and existence I go, thusly, I commit myself to choose the red pill, every time, without fear, judgement, or ridicule, as I commit myself to always choose life, the physical, and what's best for it over the 'likeness of god', as the false idol of deception which has cloaked reality for human kind, I'm getting distracted with analogies, so in taking the first step of directing myself when I see myself drifting off, I commit myself to focus on my breathe and the physical and directing myself to my best potential when faced with my mind trying to distract me with things that don't pertain to the physical, directing myself the best I can, or my breathing.

I'm faced with the very problem I
'm trying to direct while writing my commitment statement, where I'm dragging it out and getting worked up with ideas and symbolism and analogies, which can work and be fun sometimes, and maybe it did work for my commitment statement here, but in the end I decided I need to redirect myself, not erasing what I had to say, but redirecting to make sure that the important specific point of the commitment was intact.

Day 153- My Five Words; Assertive

Assertive makes me think about how there's more to just breathing and directing myself in breathing, I can see through my breathing other parts of myself opening up.

I can see things within me pushing me in the right direction, parts of me asserting myself as a living being differently from what I've ever known.

I can see how to assert myself physically, in more than just the breathe, but through other parts of my body, other rhythms and movements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is more to physically asserting myself as a living being than breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how my body supports me in all different kinds of physical activities to become a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my capacity of understanding of the physical to just the breathe when there's a lot more to learn and work with in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert myself only in self forgiveness and breathing, when there's other ways to assert myself as a physical being, and there's more to my process, than just self forgiveness and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as my organs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as my skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as my blood circulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see a narrow visioned version of what my process encompasses and entails where I just want to focus on maximizing and getting done with as much as possible, where I'm creating a mental idea of this end of the road and not referencing with they physical.

That's why I say I need to find more ways to assert myself physically, to have more reference, to create better fine toned ideas, to be more self honest, to function better within myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my ego as my idea of accomplishment above real accomplishment as physical beingness, as physical awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put my ego as my own accomplishments as an individual as my idea of my process above the physical, as the process of all of life, as all of life shares and inhabits the physical, but only I inhabit my personal ideas.

Pretty cool finale for my 5 words, really opens up a lot of potential for me in forgiving and investigating these 5 words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and assert my thoughts and ideas in my mind, where I can see I'm being mislead, but don't assert myself as the physical to assert something better than the misleading thoughts and ideas I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assert myself as better than other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand for asserting anything other than all of life being one and equal, because that would be a challenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asserting challenges into my life, and only changing myself when I'm in desperate need of a little extra push.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as the physical with challenges until it's already too late and I'm playing catch up from behind where I should have been, where I have to catch up to where I potentially could be living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as patience taking one task on at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not assert myself as simplicity where I make things more complicated than I'd like them to be.

Now to finish this day off like my other five words.

When and as I see myself living the word assertive within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize if I'm living this word to the full potential which I could be, thusly, I commit myself to in investigating if I'm living the word assertive to it's full potential, to assert myself to live this word to it's full potential, and facing all the resistance in-between me and reaching my full potential.

Day 152- My Five Words; Stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as superior to stability, as if I can function without stability in myself and my life.

Stability like my other 5 words is something I can see in each breathe.

I wish I had the same stability in each breathe, I wish I had the same stability in each day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ridicule myself for doing things that place me out side of my comfort zone and idea of stability, as I realize I'm showing myself stability comes from within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anything less than stable within myself and my breathing until death, as I realize stability works directly with reality and the physical, because the best way to function and work with what is here on earth is to be stable within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable in how I direct my mind where I'm inconsistent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that some force of self and force of will is required to maintain my internal stability, as I from there realize the world around me falls into place on the same course.

I have everything lined up just right, I have everything right on course for myself, and I'm just praying that everything outside of me remains stable, so I can remain stable, consistent, and on course within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend my internal stability as the stability defined in each breathe as each moment of self direction based on what occurs externally out of my grasp.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the external for disrupting me in having things my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend my stability in each breathe as having things go my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain things such as great loss as being my line in the sand where I have to give up on my stability within myself entirely.

It's not the end goal I want, but I had something on my mind today, and I realize ultimately writing and self forgiveness is my end goal of completion in real change, but I tried something a little different, in imagining the worst case scenario of something I was worried about, and accepting myself in relationship to it, and I imagined how far I could go, losing my job, my car, what if I lost everything I had, and I just imagined how I could still be stable, how I might change significantly in my character and my living, but how I could remain stable even in the worst situation, I can see the potential to remain stable within myself no matter what happen, but I want to live it for real beyond my imagination.

It's just such an awesome thought, to remain stable no matter what, for me the imagination breaks down when I see myself losing everything and becoming homeless or something, and I imagine the hunger as being what would break me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on remaining stable within myself in each breathe when faced with severe hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable within each breathe when faced with my dreams and imagination which is one of the biggest points I have to face within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not being stable within myself if I were ever faced with total external instability as being homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming unstable if I lived on my own and not with my mom and had more responsibly thusly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my internal stability when faced with external responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable within myself when faced with my emotional mind.

I like stability a lot.

When it comes to my other words,

Direct,

Firm,

Assertive,

Depth,

I can see the relevance for me, but what I like the most is stability.

I can already see the potential the most for me within stability, it resonates with me for some reason, it makes me feel safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit stability to being defined as being safe, as I realize I can have and express stability in even the most traumatic and dangerous of situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the word stable in each breathe within self direction to the best of my ability while I'm watching entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let entertainment disrupt my internal stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the expression of zoning out and suppressing in relationship to my existential exsistance and entertainment, when I could remain as stable no matter what I'm doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable within myself when I become burt out on energy.

Sleep and energy are a big thing I've been fighting lately,

It would help me a lot to remain stable during these afflictions of being burnt out/sleepy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking self responsibility for being burnt out on energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my body as responsible to energetically recover outside of me as one and equal to that recovery after burnout.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into instability when I get burnt out by telling myself I've failed.

What is failure?

Why do I do the things I do?

I just wish I was in one whole stable piece, and sometimes that means pushing myself harder than I'm able to handle, redefining my capacity.

When and as I see myself giving up on my stability within breathe as I realize and understand what I define stability in breathe as, I stop, I breathe, I realize this stability will always support me, so I must not be afraid to remain within stability to the b
est of my abilities at all times, even if I am burnt out and feel like I will die, I commit myself to remain within stability as breathe even when faced with feeling like I'm totally burnt out, as to prevent this feeling of being burnt out from affecting my actions affecting my stability.

Day 151- My Five Words; Direct

When I look at how I could improve my ability to direct myself, I see I could push myself harder.

But it begs the question for me, why push myself harder, when everything seems to unravel itself at it's own pace, why speed that up?

Everything's moving at the pace my mind can bare, so I'm directing myself in conjunction and cooperation with the pace my conscience, my programming has defined.

Directing myself at the pace of the programs within me is easy, because usually I can sit back and let everything just play out on it's own.

All ways of directing myself within each breathe are all accumulating to the same thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to want to be directed autonomously.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for my self direction, where I prefer automated systems to direct my thoughts, actions, opinions, self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not being able to explore the different realms and possibilities within how I direct myself in each breathe, because I fear my memories, of when my directing myself had failed me.

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself directly with the full force and potential of myself as life, because I fear the horror of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for criticizing and over analyzing how I've directed myself in the past, as I realize this has created a barrier between me and what I can realize of myself in real time and action in breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with choices when I fully direct myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear choice as mind and energy, as I realize mind and energy are automatic systems with predestined choices, but I as life am free to direct myself and take self responsibility for my choices if I don't approve of them or find that they are misaligned with what I want for life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I cannot fully and completely forgive myself until I'm standing as one and equal to directing myself as a living being, and not as a front for a personal agenda of my mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are systems within me that are so slow to become realized within myself that if I did not take the forefront, I would die without ever having and realizing them as myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are systems that I am required to direct myself differently to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just direct myself the same way for the rest of my life until I've died.

I've directed myself within my breathing many different ways, and really that hasn't changed since I started writing with Desteni again, I'm breathing and working with breathe the same I have for the two years I tried to do everything on my own in my own breathing process, but now I have self forgiveness and self honesty as a reference, as well as a community to support me in how I direct myself in every waking moment.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating different ways of directing myself will make me inconsistent in my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with when directing myself within my breathe is an act of self and when it is an act of my system.

Direct is differently an important word for me, it brings me back to all the ways I've tried to direct myself without self forgiveness during my two years trying to carve out my own path.

It reminds me that there's nothing wrong with what I've tried to do in carving my own path, only that I realized it wasn't for the best, and I realize I still try to direct myself in the same way as back then, only different.

Looking at the word direct here, is like a hard reset button for me, if I died now I would feel like I've lost all direction, doomed to float onward into nothingness forever.

When and as I see myself directing myself within each breathe in any way, I stop, breathe, I realize If I'm directing myself is what's best for me as life in self honesty, and if not, I commit myself to without fear of retaliation, and without judgement, instantly change how I'm directing myself within my breathing to better support life, which however I'll defined now, can only be elaborated on in practice and procedure.

I've tried to direct myself to stop my mind in each breathe, because I wanted to live motionless, and in silence, I've directed myself to create experience within myself, just through breathing and concentration without any external substance, just to see what I was capable of, I've tried to direct myself to become totally automated, to direct myself to act without thought, without command, I've tried to direct my vision in breathing, to see what I could see beyond the veil of the mind, I've tried to direct myself in breathe at least a hundred different ways, I've tried to live and express words in breathe.

Directing myself in breathe, I don't know that I have accomplished anything at all, or that I haven't gone backwards within myself, but this directing of myself is completely unavoidable, and I don't go a second without this experience of direction, so it'll either be me, directing me, or something else, directing me.

Direction in each breathe as the living word, is unavoidable for me and is a big word for me.

I commit myself to continue my fight within myself in relationship to everything that moves within me, as I realize I must fight to earn back my honor, so that I can honor myself enough to be the one directing myself, I realize this is the war humanity must fight, this is the violence that must be condoned, the fight within one self against oneself, me at war with myself, me fighting myself to regain myself, me fighting nothing separate from me, as I realize all as equal and one, so I must fight myself to earn back the right of life as equal and one to all.

My process doesn't have to always be me fighting myself, sometimes it can be me enjoying myself, and relaxing
with myself, and sleeping with myself, the whole point is me questioning how I will direct myself in each breathe within myself, thus who will I be in the world.

Day 150- My Five Words; Depth

The second word I'm going to write about is depth, I'm going to explore self forgiveness the same way I did yesterday in using today's word depth, and how I perceive it within myself, which is as I realized with all 5 of my words that it's mostly experienced in my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth of the system I have created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth and detail I may need to go into to investigate the depths within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to properly investigate and deal with the depths of which I have created myself and require to change for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth and complication of the world around me, as I realize I'm one and equal within the depth and misalignment I've created within myself which is just as confusing and difficult to navigate as the world I perceive around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear silencing the depths within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being equipped to tame the depths within myself as the systems I've created and live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depths of deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge the depths of my own deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not going into proper depth within my process in properly laying down the foundation needed for me point by point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my personal process as not existing within the substantial depth required to effectively direct myself within my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not create and live within the depth of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my method of coming to life through my process not being on par with the depth and substance of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a depth of superiority and insuperiotity within my process, instead of just holding what works best for me personally as superior, not out of stature, but out of significance for what supports me best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depth of my weakness in relationship to how I live though my mind.

Every breathe I take I feel possessed by the depths of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the depths of myself experienced in each breathe possess me, as taking my ability to direct myself from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking on the full responsibility of self responsibility as directing myself without any loose ends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the depths of my mind and energy direct me in each breathe as possession, because I fear taking full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the depth of the situation, as I realize I am one and equal to myself, so of course I'd like to take self responsibility for myself, it's me as consciences that is missing the point that I'm here and I'm alive so it's a simple act of self as life to take on full self responsibility, as realizing what occurs when parts of self are handed over to systems of the mind and energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by energy, as defining my well being as based on the energetic experience of being able to express myself as ego, as doing whatever suits my personal agenda without confronting the actual depths of this situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not being competent enough to walk things into reality with the proper depth needed as an excuse to not take full self responsibility for everything I do no matter what, as I realize my mind is showing me that it's ok to stray off path, there's nothing that I won't have to account for, so straying off path within myself and how I direct myself is a means of directing myself to a better path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad for straying off the best path for myself out of ego and self interest as my personal agenda and goals as energy and mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the depths of which I can stray off path within myself, as I realize it's inevitable to stray off path, and that standing without fear or judgement of myself is how I can return from the depths of myself intact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking myself out of my mind and consciences as time.

A nice patch of depths explored here, now to create a sealant to make sure everything holds together effectively.

When and as I see myself going into fear of the depths existing within myself and what must be done to face those depths, I stop, I breathe, I realize that this fear is not supporting me in my personal process, as I realize what I'm walking is a personal process, and is not defined by what other people are doing, recommending, or living for themselves, it's based on what I realize will support me best as life one and equal to create myself as a better person, without guilt, and without question, I commit myself to not go into possession by fear when faced with the word depth in my reality.

Day 149- My Five Words; Firm

I received the reading of my beingness signature, it said I have 5 words I'm suppose to work on which will be supportive for me in my process.

Firm

Assertive

Direct

Depth

Stability

In my head, these words make sense for me personally in what I'm trying to accomplish short term within my process.

Starting with firm.

I'm not living as firmly as I'd like to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on being firm within myself in how I direct myself in each breathe when things get overwhelming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel forced to be firm instead of directing myself within my breathing as the word firm as principle without resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall back on my mind and personality of fear instead of the firmness of my conviction as breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my progression within myself within the word firm when I fear I'm progressing too fast, and don't trust that my progression within myself is legitimate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm and directive within myself in each breathe when I'm nervous and uncertain about how things will work out for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be frim within myself because I don't want to face my reality, as I realize if I remain firm I can come to an answer and conclusion to my conflict.

I identify deeply with these words because they reflect what I'm working on in my process, which is breathing, directing myself as breathe, when something comes up within me, to be able to evaluate it within breathe, if I need to do this tomorrow, or I forgot to do that today, I evaluate how to proceed, then act out my decision, most of everything else is just there to boggle me, to complicate the simplicity of breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain firm when I'm faced with too much, as I realize, even writting right now, I'm facing 5 or 6 diffrent things which I could identify as misalignment's I couldn't face them all in self forgiveness, while I'm literally doing self forgiveness, that would become erratic, if I even were to try to spend several hours to face everything popping up within me, more would pop up, and it could never be finished, everything has to be returned to and elaborated on in time, so, I breathe, and in that breathe I'm directing myself within this realization in real time, I can only do so much.

I lose my train of thought sometimes, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself within my discretion as breathe as being firm when my train of thought runs out, as being firm that I'm not my thoughts, my thoughts run out of juice, but I remain stable and moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain firm when faced with points within me I cannot immediately handle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotionally reacting as being sad or upset that I have to sit here and be firm when im being hit with points coming up within me that are out of immediate reach for whatever reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need a push start from my mind to be firm with myself when I have to mentally command myself to be firm and directive within my breathing.

I don't need a push start, I can be more firm and directive within myself than that.

When I wake up, and I'm not feeling it, sometimes I need several hours to really start directing myself in that firm stable self direction, and even then it doesn't always get off the ground, I'm just waiting for something to push me to become firm and directive.

Even in just writting this one word, I'm finding all the other words sneaking in, being firm, direct, assertive, stable within my breathing and moving myself.

Depth has been a hidden word, but I can see it now.

It's not just being assertive, stable, firm, assertive, there's a depth to it all, layers and dimensions, movement and energy, diffrent points all over my body and my general expression, there's a depth to my breathe, to how I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm with myself in my self direction in my breathing when I fear how long until a point returns, why be firm when I can only hold it back for so long, what if I'm not ready to face this point?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm and directive within each breathe when the depths from beneath the ground open up, and I'm faced with something that appears to need immediate attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go limp within my breathing and directing myself when faced with something needing immediate attention, where I withdraw.

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm within myself when I fear that I'm too weak to face what needs my immediate attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain firm within my breathing and directing myself when I've been caught off guard.

I'm firm when I have control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm within my direction and breathing when I've lost control.

Control

My strength comes from not being in control.

My strength comes from not being perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when I've gone mad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm within myself when my illusion has been revealed, and the truth is realized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when I feel powerless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when it feels like everything is coming to an end.

The end of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when I have to fight.

Trying to accomplish something, an agenda, a moteranda

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when I feel guilt for how I've impacted others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when faced with death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be firm when I need one last hit.

When and as I see myself not living the word firm as I've redefined it, I stop, I breathe, I realize I must participate and direct myself as a living being, and so must define and create myself within word, as I commit myself to realize and live my new defenition of firmness, without supplement, and without compromise.

Alone

Day 148- Isolating Myself from Relationship's

To me, Prioritizing thinking is a good skill to practice.

To think I need to go to bed at this time, I need to do this at this time tomorrow, at this time I can be free to do this or that, at some point I need to decide when I will do this task,

That's the best format for thinking.

Even that can get complicated, for me I can set things up pretty good, I'm doing this this and this that these times, and settle into that relatively easy, but then I might find myself constantly reminding myself what time and what things I'm doing for this day, that's where it becomes this fear influence, I fear I'll forgt my schedule, and even if i were to write it down, I'd just would keep checking it out of fear of forgetting.

I think about people too much, what will this person be like tomrrow, what will this person say, who will be scheduled for tomrrow at work, how can I appease this person, how can I avoid that person.

I can set everything up, I'm doing this this and this, but I can't prepare myself for what anyone else will say or do, but it clearly affects me, I clearly think about it when I don't need to.

It probably ties a lot into how I don't remain in relationships with the same people for very long, don't like to invest much into a single person, unless it's a girl I'm dating, which is ironically a relationship witch is rarely at my disposal, I end up being happy alone, which is a great trait to have, but I can also see how it's suppressing my facing of relationships with other's.

Where, I don't make things work, if someone bothers me, or gets on my nerves, then screw it, I'd be happier alone.

So again, it's not preferring to keep to myself, it's that I'm deliberately avoiding facing the relationship, forming new relationships bound to the same problems, with the same resolution of 'screw it then'.

I love cracking up and having fun with other people, so I can't just play the 'I'm not a people person', I love people, I love when I'm getting along with and am on the same page with people.

One things I notice is 'people', it has this tinge of 'the others', like I'm not a 'people' as well.

I'm a people too, so do I not behave one and equal with myself?

I do.

When I'm not aligned and on the same page as myself, when I'm not having fun and getting alone with myself, when I make things difficult, when I get on my nerves I shut down, because I can't just leave the relationship with myself, I can't just walk away from myself, so instead I do the same thing I would do if I were say, at work with someone I wasn't getting along with, I wouldn't try to resolve the problem, because my resolution would be to run away, so I would just become emotional and shut down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and shut down when relationships with people including myself, become too complicated.

It's weird to call myself a people, but it's in recognizing I have the same relationship I have with myself as I do with others, so I could just say relationships, as all of my relationships being the same reflection of myself.

That's still a little convoluted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my will to breathe to direct myself and to move myself through space and time, based on the relationship's I'm experienceing around me.

I really need to be liked, if I don't feel like I'm liked or appreciated I consider that a bad relationship and shut down and become emotional, it's funny because I sit back and watch it happen all the time, and am right there on the front lines, speaking a loud to myself, "well fuck them then", "what a prick" usually just based on the potential of someone not liking me as a person, usually just out of suspension and without evidence, like, there's a small chance this person might not like me, "screw umm".

It's become such a malicious habit, I can't even retrospect what's going on there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to retaliate within myself when I'm not liked, as though it's a deliberate attack on me to not enjoy me and my presence.

From what I'm looking at right here it's no surprise if no one liked me, I'm very hostile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience someone not liking me and not wanting anything to do with me as a personal strike against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who don't like me and appreciate me as having something wrong with them.

I feel ashamed, like, that's no way to coexist with anyone, how do I live with myself?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed at seeing the real dynamic of my relationships, which is based on power dynamics, as I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed at being presented with this information when it's not like it was hidden, it was always there, I'm ashamed I have to face it and can't maintain the way I exsist within myself any longer.

I'm ashamed that I've failed to upkeep my way of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about the way I form and exsist within relationships with others assuming that I couldn't be so misalignmend within my relationships because I'm a 'good' person, and could do no evil.

That's why my hostility towards people has become more and more outwards and expressive, the illusion of being a good person who can only form good relationships was always a false pretense bound to collapse, but it really takes sitting down and investigating, because I don't pay attention really during my day-to-day interactions because don't really care, which is another red flag of misalignment.

To treat people however I'd like, calling myself a good person who can't be wrong, and not caring to investigate if I am, all the while avoiding people who could potentially make me look at myself... I don't know how I've been functioning as a person, outside of convincing people to like me using good humor.

So to top it all off, it was all a joke anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize humor to supress the actual relationship forming within myself.

Which can literally translate to, I don't like this person, so I'll make a joke to them about how I don't like them.

That's not a real example, but it is shocking to think how close to reality that represents how I would utilize humor on a regular basis to avoid confrontation or directly facing problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be shocked when presented with the reality of my nature, when I knew from the start, when beginning my process after becoming involved with Desteni's teachings, that this sort of shocking reality of human nature was inevitable, I'm shocked this is happening so soon.

Why can't I just keep joking and gagging my way through life anymore?

I know I'll try to still, because I'm just now looking at this point, but now that I've opened it up it is now Pandora's box, I can never be the same again, I'd have to lie to myself twice as hard, leading to twice as much consequences.

And it's not like having fun and having humor is the problem, it's that I'm utilizing it as a form of supression.

Happy the outside, crying on the inside sort of dilemma.

This character of humor, of hostility, of avoiding relationships is such a big part of my personality and character that this is a great running start, so,

I commit myself to pay more attention to this character, study this character.

How will I remember to do that?

I won't even have to directly remember, I'll just command it into exsistance within myself, thusly,

When and as I see myself playing out relationship dynamics within myself in relationship to myself and other's, I stop direct participation, I breathe, and in stopping direct participation, I realize what's occuring automatically, as realizing what is the program that is running without my knowledge or understanding, and I commit myself to realize how I'm creating and living my relationship's by simply noting them and studying them, as taking a back seat and seeing what is unfolding before my eyes, so I can take these points back to myself.

Day 147- Conspiracy

I enjoy watching videos on you-tube about martial law, WW3, conspiracy, end times type videos.

It's like it breaks the mundane, all of a sudden when I'm watching these sorts of videos, it's like I live in a different world.

There's some information about crazy and outlandish things that seems credible and sometimes not credible.

The point is that it starts to affect where I draw the line between what's real or not.

I like to watch videos on you-tube with my free time, but podcast, video games, comedy skits, they don't move me into this realm where all of sudden the sky is falling, and the earth is moving from beneath me, they don't affect my perception of reality.

The outline is that, I have no supreme interest in this kind of information which is not common place information; because there's no real way to apply it, it just messes with my perception of reality which is fun for me, like I said about a break from the mundane, all of a sudden aliens, and technology, and the future, and the past can all be totally different than what I always perceived.

The other element is that this information that may or may not be true of any conspiratorial subject on you-tube just doesn't matter, in no way do I change the way I live my life after hearing about whatever it is I stumble onto, except maybe I might become influenced to not want to go outside and feel a little sketched out about everything around me.

Which is the low end of the high, which is what conspiracies have always been for me personally, a way to 'get off', to get high and then get low off information.

There's also the part of me that allow and wants to just let my guard down and be taken for a ride by all this information, to just become a blank slate and let someone guide me into another reality where my perceptions become totally warped.

I would consider the kind of videos I'm referring to as like anything else, there are more legitimate news based things to watch with real information that is very relevant and worth learning, and then there's much more degenerative programming online which has no validity and isn't trustworthy information.

So, it's not like I'm getting high off exploring these realms of perception shifting, I'm just becoming moved within my relationship to reality, it's that within me there is the desire for my reality to be more than what it appears to be on the surface, to desire to suddenly find myself living a more intriguing life, a more substantial relevant life, to be alive on the precipice of something great or horrible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to manipulate my perceptions to create the experience of living in a more interesting world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the world I see around me on a regular basis as pointless, where outside of my process of coming to life, there doesn't seem to be anything substantial in my existence.

This reminds me of another form of videos which I used to be into, new age, spiritual videos, basically the complete opposite, where utopia is coming and the world is becoming enlightened.

It's funny how the flip of a coin, in which video I might watch, would define my perceptions for that moment or that day.

A coin flip to decide what planet I'm living on.

It's the same thing with the spiritual type new age stuff, it's just the other end of the polarity, everything is coming to an end, or there's about to be a new beginning for humanity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that I live a relatively boring life compared to the action and amazement that occurs in these videos speaking about the future of humanity good or bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deceived into not realizing there's no practical application of any of this information and it's all secrets in the mind and how it came to be is unclear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my life as boring for not being what I've seen it could be through the internet, as I realize I have no reason to believe that what I've seen through all this information on you-tube videos could ever actually be applied or come into existence for me through my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive a divide between me and the world around me where I don't want to stand as one and equal to the world until it fits my mold of what I want to see around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from standing one and equal to the world around me because I've defined the potential realities I've learnt through you-tube videos as being better, more fun, and more interesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stubborn in not recognizing that the messiah isn't coming, the devil isn't coming, whatever real events that may or may not happen will all be based on reality and not the imagination experiences of what the world is or is not.

Because I would have to be consuming these videos and information constantly for me to start living as if it were reality, for me to start hearing voices and calling them angels or CIA operatives in my head, which has never happened to me either way, but is where I see that kind of possession leading to, where you're not satisfied until it's totally consumed your experience of reality, and even then nothing really changes around you.

So, that's the thing, how I perceive reality does not change reality, it just changes my relationship to reality which can cause some minor changes, but that's no different than deciding what I want to eat for dinner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my perception of reality, as I realize my perception is based on myself, where within myself am I not satisfied with the life I am experiencing through creation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create alternate realities of which my reality could never compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete within myself to make change within myself to thus affect the reality outside of myself, never realizing in self honesty who I really am in relationship to what's around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my perceptions by taking them for a ride in leading them down all kinds of different dead ends searching for a feel good experience to take me further away from the reality of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my perception become warped and in doing so create instability within myself making it harder for me to function and come to terms with who I am within my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any perception of my reality as concrete as I realize the difference between actually seeing something and perceiving it through the lens of the mind.

It's funny opening up this point because I enjoy my life, and I don't think it's mundane, but compared to the high octane perception bending experiences I get when all of a sudden I watch a video and the earth is flat, or aliens rule the world, or demons exist, or Sasquatch or wolf-men, these are undeniably very impact experiences, when I believe that utopia is coming and I can sit back and look at the pretty pictures of what it could be whilst playing no role in it's actual manifestation as myself.

So, just interesting about perception and beliefs and the experience of things being a certain way leading to different kinds of misalignment.

The big point is the perception manipulation and warping, if I watch a video that tells me aliens are here or there, it should make no difference within me unless I'm allowing myself to become misaligned in reaction to the information, unless they're standing beside me speaking to me there's no application to the information, I'm just creating a fantasy world in my head.

When and as I see my perceptions of reality becoming moved or shifted, I stop, I breathe, I realize for myself what is really moving within me which is leading to a change in my experience of reality, and I commit myself to make sure that I remain directive within my breathing as I realize my breathing is my best reference point of what is and isn't real, thus how I should perceive and interpret reality.

So, I think that using 'I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself', on top of reformatting my commitment statement a little bit, did wonder for my writing today, apposed to using 'I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself', so I commit myself to use I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself as my way I write my self forgiveness online.

Day 146- Dementia

Dementia is usually attributed to the elderly, but mental illness does not just appear into existence, it's built up over time, and here I explore my personal experiences in relationship to dementia, where I find myself repeating the same scenarios, the same experiences, the same consequences without remembering how I lead myself to repeat the same thing, and in that forming a disconnect forced to cycle the same thing within me over and over, forgetting how I got where I am, and how I see within myself that this behavior is bound to only progressively get worse if I don't address the disconnect with reality I experience within myself.

Today I noticed that other Destonians are using "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself.", I've been using, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to", I can't remember where or how I learnt it that way, but I'm going to make a shift to the way I see most people speaking the phrase.

It's also the term used in my DIP course.

I asked around and tested using it to see the difference in phrasing it that way, and in my mind it was different, not better, (maybe better), but as far as I could tell it was just different, and most importantly it will give me some compare and contrast which is pretty exciting, it'll be good reference, also when discussing matters and application of self forgiveness I can be more on the same page with the people I'm speaking with.

Which brings me to something that I've wanted to write about for a while, selective memory, where I can't remember where the disconnect between how I was writing the phrase and how other's I realize are currently writing it formed.

It's like selective hearing, it's like I hear what's being said, I just forget, I judge and I just forget.

They say pot affects your memory, I stay away from pot now, but when I did use it, I would lose my mind, the insanity, and self loathing, I just forget about it, if there's just a chance that it would make me feel good as when I fist started using, I would just keep trying.

My good judgement, my memory, was defined from that substance, by my decision to forget about the consequences, I say it's a new day, it's a new opportunity, it really isn't, there's nothing new under the sun for me, just the same patterns, lived and discarded continuously.

I can't just tell my memory to improve, I have to realize myself equal to the creation and patterns of my memory, and my cognitive functioning.

It's not about if pot is good or bad, it's seeing how it's affected me personally, how I abused the relationship between me and smoking marijuana.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke marijuana without considering the impact the habit was starting to create within my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my best interest in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the opportunity of the moment, to seize what I want however unlikely that I will be successful, and instead make things worse than when I began.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how scared I was to smoke pot again, but ignore what my memories were trying to show me.

There's the memory part, I could remember the instability, the fear, the no good reality which I would be sucked into every time I smoked pot, but I could also remember how 'good' it was the first time, first few times I did it.

Besides the first few times, it always yielded the same paranoia, schizophrenia, devoid, cruel experience, and now I have to take a stand before I relive that experience that decision making process more than I already have, I'm sober now but for cigarettes and probably sugar too, but it's too late, I've infiltrated myself with consequences I create without consideration, and I've allowed that behavior to become who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being punished for my participation and lack of consideration for my well being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingrain these patterns into my idea of who I am and what decisions I'll make when energy is at play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as messed up for living and expressing this character of dementia.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the consequences of my actions, as actively creating dementia within myself, where I've forgotten to live and define who I'm going to be in each moment, when I've forgotten what's best for me, deliberately, blaming other factors at play in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having no excuse for creating this character, when I clearly did at the time, there was clearly something wrong something lacking within me, which I'm only now becoming able to articulate and come to terms with, but as I remember, at the time, I was desperate, in my mind I was like feral animal, in fear of all.

In fear, inferior.

Pot isn't the only factor of this pattern of dementia within me, it was my social relationships, my responsibilities, my cognitive functioning on a day to day basis, my emotions, my guilt, my repression.

The defining word of what I've created to now experience and see myself unconsciously living to this day is dementia.

I see myself changing as a person, my actions becoming compulsive, just the same old patters so old they might as well become who I am, because it's what I've lived and stood for.

Ohh cruel world, ohh cruel boy, why'd you treat yourself so poorly.

Cruel boy, you've got another chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, look where I am, and see what I've given to myself, a chance to forgive myself, the integrity to not give up.

Ohh cruel boy, you're not alone, you've got yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as not good enough in relationship to other's.

It's not to create relationships to compensate for what I experience myself as lacking, it's compassion, in seeing the potential in other's within myself, in utilizing others as mirrors into myself.

It's funny, I wrote up to this part not 2 hours ago, and it's like I'm reading something I wrote months or years ago, that's the memory thing, that's the dementia, how could I have become so disconnected?

I'm also working on changing my commitment statement, so I need to practice that too,

When and as I see myself displaying and portraying the character and experience of dementia within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize for myself in that moment of breathe how I've formed this character and experience, and how I'm continuing to fuel it through myself as a system I navigate my world within, as I commit myself to bring light to these moments of repeating events, forgetting about how I got myself into certain situations, and in bringing light to these moments and through my self forgiveness I can give myself a bit of grounding to affect change within myself in these moments of forgetfulness of the consequences I build upon and create within myself, so I can work towards real change, and can go deeper into this system to take more out of it to forgiven through not suppressing
but addressing my problems in a real and functional way in self forgiveness and self honesty.

Day 145- 'Ahhh!'/ Redefining Control

In this day I redefine control, because when I started writing today's blog I felt like I had no control over myself, I felt very unstable, like I was losing my grip, and I really had to struggle to get a grip, to tear into myself and find something of substance which I can take back to myself, which became the word control.

The beginning of me feeling myself out through writing, and when I began today's day begins here;

'Fuck...'

That's pretty funny.

I'm laughing that I feel as though yelling is the best I can articulate my mind right now.

"Ahhh"

"Fuck!"

"Why?!"

"No!"

"Ohh god..."

"Just stop"

I'm going to stop smoking cigarettes... But then I'm not, but then I am, but then I'm not...

I'm going to do this, but maybe I'll do this, today it's this way, oops I just did that, ok, tomorrow things will be this way, nope they'll actually be that way... Ok.

I want to be in a rough patch.

I decided I wanted to be in a rough patch, things seemed like everything was going to be perfect for me, things were going too well, and just as I thought, it's all the drop of a pin, and things are upside down again.

There's more to my process than self forgiveness.

I need to have better discretion.

I need to be more direct.

I need to be more patient.

I need to pay more attention.

I need to care for myself better.

I need to communicate better.

There's no amount of self forgiveness or writing that I can assert within myself to fully prepare myself for a single day.

Just hitting a breaking point, floundering, falling apart.

In self honesty, I can't comprehend what's going on.

That fixes everything, I don't know what is going on within myself, but I should be able to articulate myself better.

I can't make sense of myself right now.

Ok, let's really think here, I'm seeing that I want to generally improve who I am.

I'm seeing that I feel a little unstable. My thoughts are going a little crazy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset that I'm going a little haywire.

There's no need to be upset.

I just want to be alone when my mind, when myself, is going on the fritz.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being seen for how unstable I am within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others when I feel stable, because I want to assert as myself as being stable by comparison.

I'd judge anything, a bird, a cat, a dog, any person, if it could just make me seem better.

Judgement of stature is not a productive or self honest reference point, but for me, the point that it is failing me is the problem.

Writing everyday, the other ways I try to improve, the ways I try to support myself to apply myself, none of it stands on it's own, I have to apply myself.

Ok, what about tomorrow?

What can I do for tomorrow?

Let's take things one day at a time...

Tomorrow, let's redefine a word that is pertinent for tomorrow?

Let's think of a word... Control is one word, i feel like if I weren't trying to control the outcome of so many situations and just did my best to breathe and do my best at work, I'd right now, like that a lot.

Control, right now, let's see, in trying to control my life to create a certain outcome, I'm seeing myself trying to force myself to do things, forcing myself to get out of bed, forcing myself to go work, forcing myself to do my best job, forcing myself to write.

I've created through my jobs and through my routines, and through writing a controlled environment.

I see I'm living control through force, I control myself when I feel like it.

I'm not realizing self control, I'm not realizing what I want to have control over in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control things outside of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not control myself when I don't care about the consequences of not giving myself self control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to control myself to be more stable without utilizing self control in recognizing what is building upon the instability within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself by working and writing and giving all this structure to myself in my life, as I realize it's done nothing to structure me as myself, I've structured me within myself by learning about how to support and guide myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control as dominance, control is control, dominance is dominance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself with paranoia where I'm not controlling myself through self trust and self direction, I'm assuming that I will default on giving up, because that's how I've acted in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through judgement, be like that, don't be like that, that's good, that's bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself because I think I will give up other wise, as soon as I find a way out, I perceive myself as taking it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself through fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through feeling tired, where tired becomes an excuse to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through energy, where I can energetically manipulate myself to get the results I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control myself through my identity, where my control can all come together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control oth
er's so I can achieve my personal gains.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become the personality of control, where the gains out way the means.

Where has 'control' led me? To no where's vill, to instability.

I can't control myself because I haven't realized self control,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself where I've seen real potential for self control through self realization where I'd rather go with the flow and give up on control when it does not suit my whims.

I get it, you can't get there until you're there, you can't see the potential and try to force the outcome.

I can't control myself until I realize the strength within myself to reach for what I realize is best, and commit myself to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to force change within myself without controlling myself to realize why I should change and facing the resistance within me in self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control myself from within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my fate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my actions, where you don't care about the consequences, I just want to be in control.

I'm good at being in control, now that I think about it, but what I need is self control, let's shift this external control to self control, to be aware of the consequences of my actions, and hold myself accountable, easy.

I can see the potential in this word, in redefine it.

I redefine control, as having nothing to do with anything outside of myself, as realizing control as self control, as always having to do with and starting from myself.

I redefine control as not forcing myself to do or not do anything, but controlling myself through realizing what's best for me, and taking action.

I redefine control as being about self, not controlling from within my mind, but controlling as myself, controlling the outcome which I create within myself, controlling myself to act on what I realize is best without fear or judgement of the word, nor the actions I take.

Where I can find this word, is through time and space in each action, and decision, and realization, and how I control myself to do my best through self honesty and self direction.

And I direct myself in each breathe, so, when and as I see myself having the opportunity to live my new definition in any way at any moment in any breathe, I stop, breathe as I realize controlling myself is unconditional, and not based on judgement or spite, and I commit myself to take a breathe any time I can, period, when I see myself faced with an objective or encounter which requires severe self control, and in this moment I'm controlling myself, yet I'm free to move myself without judgement or ridicule, I'm free to control what occurs within myself as I then commit myself to control myself by guiding myself to see realize and do what is best for life.