Day 154- My Idea of a Great Life for Me.

My idea of a great life for me, starts with having food and shelter.

I would work and go to school, and through going to school get educated to get better jobs and more knowledge and experience by working and going to school.

I like to imagine getting more education beyond just one degree or skill.

Then with that I can expand based on wherever I'm at within my internal process and however it will branch out would be based on and reflection of where I'm at within myself.

That's one part.

The next part is to grow more and more directive, where more and more I am here breathing living in the most effective way, the most centered as the physical way, and also this can include eating better and exercise and little improvements.

The problem I just realized with how I'm trying to live this great life, is that I always experience myself working towards an end goal of sorts, I've been very end goal orientated, but it's become too obsessive.

I have a good simple outline for me to live a great life, there's external factors which could complicate things, but I can't consciously predict those things, I should try to relax more, but I'm afraid to just be in the moment, I'm afraid I'll lose my 'way' If I'm not constantly focused on things pushing me towards a goal, which has nothing to do with my idea of a great life because these goals I'm pushing myself towards aren't related to work and school, it's like I can't be in the moment, I always end up pushing myself around all over the place.

My major goals and challenges are all set up, I should be able to just live and explore more in the moment.

It's like I need this control over myself, like I'm afraid of drifting off.

Like I always need a conflict to keep my in check.

One thing I wish I could create within myself to help me walk through moment to moment, is I wish I could function without thinking so much.

I'm easily convinced into giving authority to my thoughts and thinking, It's very easy for me to get sucked into some idea or train of thought or dream or experience, like I'm not comfortable if my attention is rooted totally on the physical with only strict exception for very specific and precise thoughts about what I will do here or there, basically mostly scheduling, and occasionally thinking about how certain things work and function, a sort of analysis of certain things, to allow me to take a step back to a degree and consider how things work.

That's my great idea of how to use thinking the most efficiently I can conceive of for where I'm at in my life right now.

I'm very attached to the idea of indulging in thinking, where I'll justify thinking and imagining about a show or media type outlet.

So, this indulgence prevents me from living my thinking idea of great thinking, and my idea of great thinking supports me in fucntioning and living my life based around my idea of a great life.

I feel limited by not letting my mind wander, but letting my mind wander limits me, because I don't accomplish the things I want, like being in the moment, or being the most efficient I can at whatever task I'm doing at had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself define my mind wandering as an innocent harmless enjoyable thing, when I've seen that it's a moment of letting go, which is really just suppressing, and that it catches up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a life where I don't let my mind wander as being dreary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my potential and capacity of being here and living and fucntioning to my ultimate ability, when I fear not having a way to drift off sometimes.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can drift off as the physical while still being self directive, where I can let myself explore different aspects of the physical in each breathe and discover more of what's here as life in each breathe without any particular direction, and this is me drifting off, but not losing myself to my mind of drifting off into fear and anxiety and worry and dreams.

That remind me of my long standing rivalry with dreams, but I don't want to get into that here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and perceive my thinking and drifting mind as untamable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to back down from the challenge of taming my apparently 'untamable' drifting mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and apply the equality principle to my mind, where if I can stand and be directive in relationship to one single tiny bit of my mind, the same applies to the rest of it, as all of it can be stood and directed, so the experience of it being untamable is just me stepping down from the challenge.

I'm looking for a way to support myself to be more here in the moment, to stop pushing myself forward constantly to no end, for no good purpose at this point.

The challenge of remaining here and focused on breathing and exploring the physical in breathe and through my body without drifting off within my mind is a good healthy challenge to keep me focused on being here and being present.

So,

When and as I see myself drifting off within my mind, I stop, I breathe, I realize the more I become possessed and give into fear and judgement, the further down the rabbit hole of the mind I go, but the more I breathe focus on what's here and direct myself to my best ability, the more down the rabbit hole of life and existence I go, thusly, I commit myself to choose the red pill, every time, without fear, judgement, or ridicule, as I commit myself to always choose life, the physical, and what's best for it over the 'likeness of god', as the false idol of deception which has cloaked reality for human kind, I'm getting distracted with analogies, so in taking the first step of directing myself when I see myself drifting off, I commit myself to focus on my breathe and the physical and directing myself to my best potential when faced with my mind trying to distract me with things that don't pertain to the physical, directing myself the best I can, or my breathing.

I'm faced with the very problem I
'm trying to direct while writing my commitment statement, where I'm dragging it out and getting worked up with ideas and symbolism and analogies, which can work and be fun sometimes, and maybe it did work for my commitment statement here, but in the end I decided I need to redirect myself, not erasing what I had to say, but redirecting to make sure that the important specific point of the commitment was intact.