Day 157- Creating Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not having any potential, as an excuse to not reach for my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the excuse of having no potential because I don't want to put the work into creating myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself I'm lazy, when that's not who I am, but is what I created through living the word lazy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as only being able to accomplish so much, because I don't want to put the energy into creating myself.

I see the potential of what I could create as myself, but what if I fail?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing as giving into ego, as creating myself out of separation as superiority/inferiority.

So superior and inferior, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge being inferior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as inferior to one and equal as life because of how unstable my thoughts are.

I look at how I've judged others as inferior for there thought patterns and reaction patterns, and it really was just about me, judging what I had seen in myself, trying to be superior to what I've become through my own mind design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in a position where I don't know what I want for myself and my life.

I don't need to be unsure, but it's also ok to not be sure just yet certain things, it's the experience of being torn, like I need to know what I'm doing with my life right this moment or I'll be forever lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pull myself apart in trying to figure out who I am and what I'm doing with my life, where I don't even apply self honesty, I just want the answers to come to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the answers in my life to just come to me without me having to apply myself, leading to consequences, where the answers will come to me in time, but without me having put in any effort or having applied myself, the answers won't be coming the ways I might have liked then to.

Apply Myself.

I commit myself to apply myself more.

I don't want to do that, but I think it was for the best.

I wish I hadn't committed myself to apply myself more, I wish instead I had committed myself to play more video games, because there are some good video games coming out, and I'd rather play games than apply myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my best interest, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question in self honesty what is in my best interest as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as life needing to be honored and respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself at all outside of my thoughts and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold thoughts and emotions over my well being and success as a living being on earth, because that's where I am for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing how I live as certain words.

If I redefine a word, and realize maybe, what I would realize is the way I want to live the word resentful, is by practically and accepting changing the things I resent on earth, like violence, changing the violence within me, changing how I live the word violent, to living the word violence in not participating in violence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word stubborn by holding onto words I don't want to have anything to do with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor myself as a living being by actively and directly addressing the vocabulary I live and direct myself by, and changing it, sculpting it, redefining it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define changing my living word as too tedious, when, in self honesty, it's funny I'd say that, because it's just self forgiveness and self honesty, what I've been doing everyday, but to me it's a little more specific, a little more advanced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word lazy in relationship to changing my living word, when I literally just changed how I live the word lazy in this statement, and it was the same as anything else.

So this blog today, is about me creating myself,

One thing I noticed was how I committed myself to improve by applying myself, even though I'd rather just play video games.

But, I didn't give up, I just was faced with resistance, which is ok.

When and as I see myself facing resistance when trying to create myself, as directing and creating who I am and what I'm living, I stop, I breathe, I realize the resistance is showing me how I've tolerated what is not in my best interest for so long, that thusly, I commit myself to not be influenced by resistance by sticking to what I decide and realize is best for myself whenever possible, and thus showing the resistance that I am not standing for resistance, I'm standing for what's best for myself as life, when I make decisions that aren't influenced by negative or positive reactions.

One thing I will mention briefly. Is how I get into these energetic patterns of comfort, where I appease exactly what energetically comforts me, so for example I decided I would write more for today on the forum, but some things came up, and then I decided I would face less resistance if I changed what I wanted to do, so then I also just do whatever I want, and that can be influenced easily.

That's just an important part of creating myself, because most importantly I create myself through time, and when I waste my time willfully to appease my comfort of pace, I see why I think this is best for me, yet I can also see in self honesty there some neglect taking place, where I'm living the words passive, giving up, surrender, in the name and word of satisfaction, which hardly even well defined.

Then, what happens, is, all of a sudden, when I finally have to
make the time to do my blog (at the very least) then it's like a real struggle, because I just let the resistance build up until I desired to face it, idk, pretty complicated means of applying myself, so I'll see whats going on tomorrow.

I commit myself to investigate how I apply myself tomorrow.

Ok, good job.