Day 137- Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I was listening to this Daft Punk song a lot lately, and I get really pumped when I'm listening to the song, and I think about work, and school, and Desteni, and it makes me feel like I can tackle all of my goals and can accomplish everything I set myself to, it makes me feel like I have a lot of energy to do everything I need to do.

That's when I was listening to the song, but now I'm feeling not as hot, now I'm feeling there's more resistance within me than I'm addressing.

It's fun getting into a song, but I'm seeing how me feeling like I can do everything and like there's no challenge no resistance to get up and face the day is fucking crap.

It's hard to get up and going, I don't feel pumped and ready to take on the day when I wake up, so how I feel listening to this song reflects how I'd like to be, reflecting who I'd like to be for just a moment, someone harder, better, faster, stronger.

And sometimes I am that way and I'm on top of everything, and sometimes I'm dragging my feet and am falling behind, or apart.

I'd like to just enjoy those moments of feeling on top, in control, fast, strong, hard, but the way I feel now directly correlates to how I got pumped up to accomplish my goals, but the energy went flat, deflated.

I feel a little deflated right now.

I wrote up to this point earlier, and now I cannot recall what was going on in that point in my life, so, right now I remember the idea of what was happening at that time earlier today, but I have to restart because things for me are different now since then.

So harder better faster stronger.

It's like improving, but there's other ways to improve than the gung-ho don't slow down seek and conquer.

Boom boom boom.

There's more to life than boom boom boom.

There's more than just getting work done.

Where in my life can I be harder better faster stronger.

I don't know.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only be harder, better, faster, stronger in dominating my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be harder, better, faster, stronger at slowing down and kicking back and relaxing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being harder, better, faster, stronger, as getting things accomplished.

Because what I'm trying to accomplish at any given moment seems to be, whatever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be harder, better, faster, stronger at being at ease.

Being at ease is not easy.

Being at ease isn't really even in my vocabulary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let things be harder, better, faster, stronger, and easier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always step up my standard and demand toward myself, without making things easier in the process.

Take it easy on me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make communicating with people harder, instead of easier.

When I'm not even good at what I'd like to be in relationship to communication.

Harder, better, faster, stronger, what about easier?

What about taking a step back, what about setting things aside.

Easy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be harder, better, faster, stronger, because I fear losing control if I don't keep pushing myself forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself forward before forgiving where I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself into the future without forgiving the past.

I'm on a dead end road.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself over walls, instead of finding ways around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give myself no choice but harder better faster stronger as a means of reaching my goals, instead of taking it easier.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create chaos in my life to overcome.

I've learnt my lesson, I just want to take if easy, to be relaxed, to enjoy my walk.

Please, I just want to have an easy ride, don't make things more difficult for me, stop putting so much pressure on me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you to be great, when I hurt you in the process.

That's ok, I just need to be forgiven.

Forgiven for what?

What did I do wrong to you?

You pushed me too hard, to fast, to strong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself harder, better, faster, and stronger.

Thank you for forgiving me, now I just need to make sure I can trust you.

So commit yourself to changing for me.

Ok, I will change for you, I love you.

Ok, I love you to Matt.

Ok, thanks Matt, good job.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself pushing myself harder, better, faster, stronger, to realize the inherit fear that is existing within this modus operandi, and consider within my breathe how I can slow down and make things more functional and stable and comfortable and relaxed for myself as I walk through my life.

Let me ask you something.

Ok, what is it?

Why don't I trust you?

Because you're not trustworthy.

How can I prove my trust to you?

Just let me relax.

That's what im committed to do.

But, I've tried to write out relaxation, and have failed.

Why did I fail?

Because I'm not a relaxed person...

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as exclusively unable to relax, instead of remaining steadhearted in my devotion to relaxing even through I've pushed myself too hard to relax in the last.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself to relax because I've pushed myself to relax in ways that have failed in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to carry the weight of the past, thus not allowing me to relax in the present.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself in relationship to the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be relaxed in relationship to the past.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself pushing myself too hard based on the past, and simply allow myself to be relaxed here in the present.

I think I've made another discovery here, I commit myself to utilize the method of relaxation that has occurred to me in this moment in my future commitments because I trust myself to utilize this technique of relaxation and know that I can be harder, better, faster, stronger, and relaxed.