Day 155- Pull it Together

I was pretty stumped, and still am a little bit.

I couldn't think of anything to write about, so I'm just sitting trying to get something to come out of my head.

I was trying to pull myself together to come up with something to write about, and that's how I felt inside, I feel inside like I'm trying to put all the pieces together, trying to pull everything together.

I feel like I've been living the phrase 'pull it together' for a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly try to pull myself together in each breathe without more efficiency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be as efficient as I can in certain parts of my life because I judge efficiency as an inhibitor of my creative potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart, if I need to pull myself together, than I've fallen apart, but I'm constantly trying to pull myself together, so I'm not forgiving myself for falling apart, I can't even see how I got to where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to change myself in pulling myself together without forgiving me for falling apart in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not self honestly look at why I've allowed myself to fall apart.

Why? Why did I allow myself to fall apart? I don't remember, but I'd say it's because I didn't trust myself to give myself any direction, so just became another automated system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by not giving myself a purpose, a direction, a meaning to live in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by not giving myself words to live for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart because I have lived words that have been shallow and not representing my utmost potential by any degree at all, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall apart by living words that limit who I am to definitions based on personal interest and bias.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the living words within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for the words I've been living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the living word as just another idea, a small part of the greater whole, when it's one and equal to the entire whole, the whole of the components that I consist of.

I'm living the words fast, go go go.

I'm living the words tired, I want to go to sleep.

I'm living the words hollow, I'm living and breathing but don't fill full.

I'd like to live the word, complete

I'd like to live the word, peace

I'd like to live the word, serenity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give the power of my living words to energy generated in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the words I live with integrity, where instead I judge the words I live, and so live the word judgement.

I see all this stuff about living words, and I'm like, 'great', more stuff to pile on, more things I have to solve and figure out for myself, but in giving it a shot and trying to learn how to redefine words, and practicing on my own, I'm thinking, in most memories I remember how I felt, happy, or sad, or neutral, and in words I see there's a much bigger chasm and depth to how each moment is lived and expressed.

I remember living the word unsure a lot in my life.

I remember living the word callus.

I remember living the word confronting.

I remember living the word hostile.

I remember living the word cautious.

I remember living the word silent.

I remember living the word depth.

I remember living the word dream.

I remember living the word distant.

I remember living words.

So now I find myself living the words, pull it together.

What other words are present?

Shifty, restless, deep, endless, pointless, comical, needing, resentful.

That's a few words I'm living within the phrase pull it together, but when I started writing I couldn't pull anything together, but now I can pull and string lots of different words I'm living together.

It's like I opened up and stepped through another dimension, where I could see myself from another position I'd not considered before.

I see that If I don't forgive myself, I'm going to keep trying to change myself without merit, consent, reason, agreement, consideration, development, fortitude.

Changing myself is what I'm trying to do when I try to pull myself together.

I have an idea, I'm living the word idea.

For my commitment statement.

When and as I see myself living the phrase pulling myself together within my beinging, within my breathing, I stop, breathe, I realize I'm an entire living construct, I realize there is not a chance that all I'm living is the phrase 'pull it together', I realize that's just a narrow tunnel I've forced myself into through conscience energy, thus, I commit myself to see what other words I'm living and are integrated into the living phrase of 'Pull it together'.

I commit myself to stop being afraid
of living words, and embrace them as a full meaningful part of my process.