Day 138- Nerotic

I feel crazy neurotic right now.

I feel like my nerves are shot.

What is wrong with me?

I get like this sometimes and then I just forget and it gets better on it's own.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify how neurotic I become because it goes away if I give it enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my traumatic experiences within myself be forgotten only to return again, instead of forgiven so that they will stop for good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel victimized by my neurosis.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let all of my stress and anxiety build up and fester under the surface while actively avoid looking at what is happening inside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as needing help when I'm in this state, when I already realize nothing can soothe me, except from forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my neurosis build up and affect my actions by becoming hostile and agitable.

I feel like a time bomb.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what will happen if I let my nerves get out of hand any further than how they are behaving right now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my nervous system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get worked up over nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shake myself up and work myself up for no reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed on fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to things of no substance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tolerate my panic attacks.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I was stronger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish things weren't the way they are, disenfranchising myself.

I feel nauseated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I won't be able to hold together for much longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing touch with reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for becoming victimized by my own circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear rising to my circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my circumstances as not worth becoming upset about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel upset because I'm experiencing myself falling apart.

Everything seemed fine just the other day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not feel strong enough, when the time comes to muster my strength and pull myself back together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for having to derive strength instead of just being strong enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a weak person for needing to derive strength where I have become weak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to weaken my nervous system due to prolonging my anxieties and complexes beyond the relative time in which I realize they should have been addressed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting my problems get out of hand again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify how I abuse myself through not acknowledging it when it is occurring until it builds up to these moments of total neurotic feelings within my being.

It looks like I'm starting to pull myself back together.

But that is not good enough.

This can't persist again.

And this is clearly still going to be a persistent issue for me.

So, when and as I see myself becoming possessed with neurosis, I stop, breathe, and make note to remember and concentrate on what it is that I have allowed to be built up within me, and what it is that allowed this build up to crack and break thus spilling my blood, as breaking the dam, as losing control within my life.

One thing I will mention to myself is that I did drink a big energy drink at work, and have been smoking cigarettes again, and I was not suppose to do those things, but I thought I wasn't ready to move past them and had other things to deal with, so I didn't want to push myself too hard, but I feel like these things have contributed to my mental backlash I'm having today.

Definitely picking up on some characteristic backlash.

Certainly a lot to do with my communication with myself and other's.

I'm definitely trying to overcompensate for how messed up I feel inside.

Resentful comes to mind. As well as violent and hostile.

I'm like a caged animal, and I'm shaking the cage, so there's clearly an overwhelming quantity of abuse I'm participating in going so far as to reflect such through other people, which isn't usually a problem because I don't like to see people very often.

Ok, yesterday I remember how excited I was to try relaxing, so let's start relaxing.

I don't even remember if this is the circumstance in which I'm suppose to try to relax, so I'll look that up from yesterday's blog and see if it is part of my commitment I'm enacting
.

I skimmed over what I wrote and analyzed my commitments from yesterday and I'm definitely doing the right things, by letting myself be at ease, and trying to relax within my breathing. So that's good to know that I'm on top of my responsibilities without having to over think what needs to be done.