Day 143- Rapid Thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my thoughts racing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind race so fast, that I can't see what's going on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to control my thoughts to slow my head down, so I don't feel overloaded with information.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become overloaded by my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I cannot direct myself when my mind is moving 'too' fast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the pressure within my chest in relationship to my racing mind as too much for me to bare.

If I can't bare the pressure I'm under, I can't be as directive as I could be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to unconsciously drop the load of my mind onto my body as intense heart rate and chest pressure, when I allow my ego to be directive when I allow myself to be possessed by my ego in relationship to my mind racing as feeling undignified.

I feel undignified in relationship to what my mind is doing, and how my mind is racing to places I wish it would not go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into ego as not caring to deal with how undignified I feel in relationship to my mind, and in doing so further ingraining who I am as what I allow for my mind to go wherever it wants, which is what I over time through accumulation have designed it to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to convenience myself that I don't care about how undignified I've allowed my mind to be designed, to go wherever it would like to without hesitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to separate myself from what I've designed within my mind, by judging it as ugly, and thus not my concern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only pay attention to the pretty things I can do within my mind as being focused and attentive and able to direct and plan my day and my life, so when the ugly parts come back around I refuse to admit responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject the ugly ability of my mind to shoot off in all directions finding different points to disturb me, as I realize this is a needed balance, to assist me in developing and progressing within my world.

What's ugly about it, when my mind goes of the rails, is that I don't wont to be seen in this state, I don't want to be seen as the full extent of my creation, just the 'good' parts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek relationships that only validate the good things I want to see in myself.

I want to face forgive and move on from the bad parts of my mind, as I realize bad as being just a judgement, a means of survival, to adapt and incorporate only the best parts or myself into my actions and living.

The idea of presenting a pretty picture overlayed over the chaos and depravity of what people go through, in terms of hate, depression, loathing, fear, is commonly accepted as part of human nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create parts of me that I would like to change and forgive, yet allow them to remain, justified.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify that which I can best communicate and present to the world from within myself as being that which I hold to the highest degree, without utilizing self honesty to realize I'm not ok with what I'm presenting to the world as being the full picture of who I am.

My mind can go anywhere, and given enough time if allowed to do so even unconsciously it will go to and become the things I don't want to see or stand for within myself, and it's in those times I want to be alone, I don't want to live my life pretending I'm happy with what's happening inside of myself.

Calming back down again, but what's funny is, I can see the matrix sort of alignment about being calm, the temporary, unresolved nature of having calmed down from an intense experience.

It's so systematic, I'm not done with you, come back here, where are my rapid thoughts and my heart beating out of chest? Where's the fear and anxiety? The paranoia and distrust?

A temporary pact, go away and get stronger than come back and face me again when I'm not prepared.

My mind has retreated, because I've retreated, I think I got some good blows in, and it'll all come back maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, and the dance will begin again.

I'm not edging my mind on, I'm edging myself on, and I'm too afraid to bring myself back into that state of being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my creation, when I fear my creation returning with a vengeance, as I try to put myself off again, to put myself back in place.

Owch, my heart, that sinking sensation, of knowing I'll have to face my fears again. Not standing as the creation of fear itself in the world.

Well my mind my mind just outsmarted me, was I smarter when I was younger? To program my mind to be as clever as it is now?

I'm scared of not being successful.

I'm scared of losing a job, having to find a new one.

I'm scared of being worked too hard once I go to school.

I know I can succeed, but it's little fears that build up everyday that leads me to having break downs, where it all hits me all at once.

I commit myself to stop breathe, when and as I see my mind going crazy, as I realize myself as having the strength and integrity to access the validity of the fears and insanity that ensues when I have mental break downs, and realize what I can do to support myself and reacess who I am and where I'm going in my life.