Dementia is usually attributed to the elderly, but mental illness does not just appear into existence, it's built up over time, and here I explore my personal experiences in relationship to dementia, where I find myself repeating the same scenarios, the same experiences, the same consequences without remembering how I lead myself to repeat the same thing, and in that forming a disconnect forced to cycle the same thing within me over and over, forgetting how I got where I am, and how I see within myself that this behavior is bound to only progressively get worse if I don't address the disconnect with reality I experience within myself.
Today I noticed that other Destonians are using "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself.", I've been using, "I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to", I can't remember where or how I learnt it that way, but I'm going to make a shift to the way I see most people speaking the phrase.
It's also the term used in my DIP course.
I asked around and tested using it to see the difference in phrasing it that way, and in my mind it was different, not better, (maybe better), but as far as I could tell it was just different, and most importantly it will give me some compare and contrast which is pretty exciting, it'll be good reference, also when discussing matters and application of self forgiveness I can be more on the same page with the people I'm speaking with.
Which brings me to something that I've wanted to write about for a while, selective memory, where I can't remember where the disconnect between how I was writing the phrase and how other's I realize are currently writing it formed.
It's like selective hearing, it's like I hear what's being said, I just forget, I judge and I just forget.
They say pot affects your memory, I stay away from pot now, but when I did use it, I would lose my mind, the insanity, and self loathing, I just forget about it, if there's just a chance that it would make me feel good as when I fist started using, I would just keep trying.
My good judgement, my memory, was defined from that substance, by my decision to forget about the consequences, I say it's a new day, it's a new opportunity, it really isn't, there's nothing new under the sun for me, just the same patterns, lived and discarded continuously.
I can't just tell my memory to improve, I have to realize myself equal to the creation and patterns of my memory, and my cognitive functioning.
It's not about if pot is good or bad, it's seeing how it's affected me personally, how I abused the relationship between me and smoking marijuana.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smoke marijuana without considering the impact the habit was starting to create within my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my best interest in the long run.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider the opportunity of the moment, to seize what I want however unlikely that I will be successful, and instead make things worse than when I began.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see how scared I was to smoke pot again, but ignore what my memories were trying to show me.
There's the memory part, I could remember the instability, the fear, the no good reality which I would be sucked into every time I smoked pot, but I could also remember how 'good' it was the first time, first few times I did it.
Besides the first few times, it always yielded the same paranoia, schizophrenia, devoid, cruel experience, and now I have to take a stand before I relive that experience that decision making process more than I already have, I'm sober now but for cigarettes and probably sugar too, but it's too late, I've infiltrated myself with consequences I create without consideration, and I've allowed that behavior to become who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being punished for my participation and lack of consideration for my well being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ingrain these patterns into my idea of who I am and what decisions I'll make when energy is at play.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as messed up for living and expressing this character of dementia.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget about the consequences of my actions, as actively creating dementia within myself, where I've forgotten to live and define who I'm going to be in each moment, when I've forgotten what's best for me, deliberately, blaming other factors at play in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as having no excuse for creating this character, when I clearly did at the time, there was clearly something wrong something lacking within me, which I'm only now becoming able to articulate and come to terms with, but as I remember, at the time, I was desperate, in my mind I was like feral animal, in fear of all.
In fear, inferior.
Pot isn't the only factor of this pattern of dementia within me, it was my social relationships, my responsibilities, my cognitive functioning on a day to day basis, my emotions, my guilt, my repression.
The defining word of what I've created to now experience and see myself unconsciously living to this day is dementia.
I see myself changing as a person, my actions becoming compulsive, just the same old patters so old they might as well become who I am, because it's what I've lived and stood for.
Ohh cruel world, ohh cruel boy, why'd you treat yourself so poorly.
Cruel boy, you've got another chance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself, look where I am, and see what I've given to myself, a chance to forgive myself, the integrity to not give up.
Ohh cruel boy, you're not alone, you've got yourself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as not good enough in relationship to other's.
It's not to create relationships to compensate for what I experience myself as lacking, it's compassion, in seeing the potential in other's within myself, in utilizing others as mirrors into myself.
It's funny, I wrote up to this part not 2 hours ago, and it's like I'm reading something I wrote months or years ago, that's the memory thing, that's the dementia, how could I have become so disconnected?
I'm also working on changing my commitment statement, so I need to practice that too,
When and as I see myself displaying and portraying the character and experience of dementia within myself, I stop, I breathe, I realize for myself in that moment of breathe how I've formed this character and experience, and how I'm continuing to fuel it through myself as a system I navigate my world within, as I commit myself to bring light to these moments of repeating events, forgetting about how I got myself into certain situations, and in bringing light to these moments and through my self forgiveness I can give myself a bit of grounding to affect change within myself in these moments of forgetfulness of the consequences I build upon and create within myself, so I can work towards real change, and can go deeper into this system to take more out of it to forgiven through not suppressing
but addressing my problems in a real and functional way in self forgiveness and self honesty.
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