When I look at how I could improve my ability to direct myself, I see I could push myself harder.
But it begs the question for me, why push myself harder, when everything seems to unravel itself at it's own pace, why speed that up?
Everything's moving at the pace my mind can bare, so I'm directing myself in conjunction and cooperation with the pace my conscience, my programming has defined.
Directing myself at the pace of the programs within me is easy, because usually I can sit back and let everything just play out on it's own.
All ways of directing myself within each breathe are all accumulating to the same thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to want to be directed autonomously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for my self direction, where I prefer automated systems to direct my thoughts, actions, opinions, self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not being able to explore the different realms and possibilities within how I direct myself in each breathe, because I fear my memories, of when my directing myself had failed me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself directly with the full force and potential of myself as life, because I fear the horror of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for criticizing and over analyzing how I've directed myself in the past, as I realize this has created a barrier between me and what I can realize of myself in real time and action in breathe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being faced with choices when I fully direct myself, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear choice as mind and energy, as I realize mind and energy are automatic systems with predestined choices, but I as life am free to direct myself and take self responsibility for my choices if I don't approve of them or find that they are misaligned with what I want for life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I cannot fully and completely forgive myself until I'm standing as one and equal to directing myself as a living being, and not as a front for a personal agenda of my mind and energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are systems within me that are so slow to become realized within myself that if I did not take the forefront, I would die without ever having and realizing them as myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are systems that I am required to direct myself differently to face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just direct myself the same way for the rest of my life until I've died.
I've directed myself within my breathing many different ways, and really that hasn't changed since I started writing with Desteni again, I'm breathing and working with breathe the same I have for the two years I tried to do everything on my own in my own breathing process, but now I have self forgiveness and self honesty as a reference, as well as a community to support me in how I direct myself in every waking moment.
I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear creating different ways of directing myself will make me inconsistent in my living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with when directing myself within my breathe is an act of self and when it is an act of my system.
Direct is differently an important word for me, it brings me back to all the ways I've tried to direct myself without self forgiveness during my two years trying to carve out my own path.
It reminds me that there's nothing wrong with what I've tried to do in carving my own path, only that I realized it wasn't for the best, and I realize I still try to direct myself in the same way as back then, only different.
Looking at the word direct here, is like a hard reset button for me, if I died now I would feel like I've lost all direction, doomed to float onward into nothingness forever.
When and as I see myself directing myself within each breathe in any way, I stop, breathe, I realize If I'm directing myself is what's best for me as life in self honesty, and if not, I commit myself to without fear of retaliation, and without judgement, instantly change how I'm directing myself within my breathing to better support life, which however I'll defined now, can only be elaborated on in practice and procedure.
I've tried to direct myself to stop my mind in each breathe, because I wanted to live motionless, and in silence, I've directed myself to create experience within myself, just through breathing and concentration without any external substance, just to see what I was capable of, I've tried to direct myself to become totally automated, to direct myself to act without thought, without command, I've tried to direct my vision in breathing, to see what I could see beyond the veil of the mind, I've tried to direct myself in breathe at least a hundred different ways, I've tried to live and express words in breathe.
Directing myself in breathe, I don't know that I have accomplished anything at all, or that I haven't gone backwards within myself, but this directing of myself is completely unavoidable, and I don't go a second without this experience of direction, so it'll either be me, directing me, or something else, directing me.
Direction in each breathe as the living word, is unavoidable for me and is a big word for me.
I commit myself to continue my fight within myself in relationship to everything that moves within me, as I realize I must fight to earn back my honor, so that I can honor myself enough to be the one directing myself, I realize this is the war humanity must fight, this is the violence that must be condoned, the fight within one self against oneself, me at war with myself, me fighting myself to regain myself, me fighting nothing separate from me, as I realize all as equal and one, so I must fight myself to earn back the right of life as equal and one to all.
My process doesn't have to always be me fighting myself, sometimes it can be me enjoying myself, and relaxing
with myself, and sleeping with myself, the whole point is me questioning how I will direct myself in each breathe within myself, thus who will I be in the world.
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