Day 136- Free Form Self Forgiveness

In my self forgiveness, I approach things very specifically, and I make sure things are related and on topic, and that my commitment sums up my forgiveness and helps me expand on how I will inact my forgiveness.

Today I just want to test the parameters of self forgiveness, and even if it's random or convoluted I can learn something about the nature of specificity and self forgiveness.

So I'm going to just roll it off the top of my head and I will see what happens, I'm usually very specific so it will be a good experiment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what will happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be moved the way I would like to be. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be thinking too hard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts towards myself that I don't like.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed by my thoughts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about things when I could be better in how I think about things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to say provcative things under the excuse of speaking my mind, which is true, but I'm still using structure as self forgiveness so I know speaking whatever rolls of my mind is not excusable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to call myself stupid.

Now I'm actually getting somewhere, in just letting things out but utilize self honesty and self forgiveness, I never want to call myself stupid, so that's embarrassing, but I guess it was supressed and I didn't know it, so I guess I'm pretty mean towards myself, and I never opened it up in self honesty, so I'm sorry about that, to myself.

Sorry isn't really good enough,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent myself for wanting to call myself stupid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for having so many stupid thoughts that are like babble or vitriol.

So, wtf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to just let go and do self forgiveness without having to funnel through crude nonsense and mental build up/backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care what other people think, where I'm not being self reliable and trustworthy for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my backchat/mental build up, and thus giving it structure over the self forgiveness and self honesty structure that I can trust as myself to utilize for my well being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over specific thought bubbles by giving them purpose beyond what they actually are as my conscience bile/vomit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my mind throw up and spew shit all over the place, when it isn't necessary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue and be angry at myself for beating myself up over how untamed and unreasonable my mind has become.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsability for my mind and using it effectively.

This really get's my cog turning, and opens some things up for myself, so I can do that, and I can just do self forgiveness and let things out and then I'll eventually stumble onto something of substance for myself.

I'm pretty angry about where my mind goes when I'm not putting pressure on it and trying to control it, I'm pissed off, and I just wrote about being pissed off the other day, so I'm going to breathe, because that's my commitment for when I get pissed off.

I'm going to make a free form commitment as well for my forgiveness.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself having a dumb thought and then am angry, so I can just stop the dumb thought and deal with my judgement and anger which takes more presedent, so it removes a layer so I can address my anger and frustration in a more feasible way.

Commitment and forgiveness actually both were better than normal, so it's good to let off the pressure and just open up sometime's when I have nothing specifically I really want to tackle which has been very often lately.

I will remember to utilize freeform forgiveness when I find myself unable to think of something to write about, which has led me to write a lot less than I would like to have written lately.