Day 131- Tool

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought of what I'd rather being doing, or where I'd rather be, than at work, when I'm at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relationship to how I would look to other's if they knew how difficult work can be for me, when I'm not doing well, and just want to be done for the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist looking and addressing my relationship to not wanting to be at work when I don't feel well, because I don't want to face my weaknesses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define having to do things I don't feel like doing as an indignity, when I create the indignity within myself, where doing what has to be done in the world when it hurts, or when it's tiring or difficult, does require dignity, to dig in and just get it done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my honor in having to go to work when I'm sick, tired, or not feeling well, or just wanting to go home, where I feel like I'm just a tool, and am not standing for anything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear just being a tool, meant to accomplish a corporate power agenda of someone else, while my own life just slowly degrades.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of depression when all of these experiences build up, and I feel helpless to making something out o
f my life, because of how much work has to be put into just supporting myself financially through jobs and incomes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame 'the man' for my own creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about who I am and what I'm doing with my life, when I see myself as disenfranchised and oppressed, by some unknown shadowy entities controlling the money and the direction of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not having an equal amount of power to affect my world through and as myself, as one individual equal to all of life, regardless of my money or authority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the authority to take charge and make decisions in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot change myself because I don't have enough power, as money and influence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disenfranchise myself by fighting against who I am within the world system, instead of just standing for changing my relationship to the world system, and thus becoming the change I'd like to see.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself not wanting to face my relationship to having to be at work and feeling forced and disenfranchised and not able to follow what I define my being as truly defined by as being or doing something besides work, as I realize there's no easy way out for anyone, and it's ok to admit my weakness, so I can support myself to change it.

So instead of changing myself and my relationship to work, I want to create external change as just leaving or calling off sick, even though I know I can make it, and I can support myself to do well at work and just get through the day if that's what has to be done, but then after two shifts at work, on top of trying to do my writing and the other things I have laid out for myself, it does become very disorientating, as the days roll into each other.

I heard a quote today, that went something like, 'The desire to quit is greatest, right before you're about to succeed.'

Where I want to quit, because I don't see how far I've come, I don't see how close I am to achieving my goals.

I'm afraid of my goals being selfish, because I have very ambitious goals.

I want to achieve my goals, and I know I can do it, and I commit myself to continue down the path of achieving my goals, but also to just take it easy don't make things too hard, because I have so much time in theory at least 7 years before my creation really comes to fruition, hence the 7 year journey to life.

So that is a ton of time to pace things out for myself, while still reaching for my personal goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a tool, when I blame other's for preventing me from reaching my goals, where I become a tool to my own perceptions, and am unable to break through.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a tool of my own inadequacies, when I allow myself to give up on my goals without self honest evaluation, making goals and failing at my goals without ever considering the greater ramifications for myself.