Day 144- Physical Tension and Dreams

I feel tense, I don't know why I'm tense, now that I look into it I do have an idea of why I'm tense.

Foremost, I have a character in me that tense up and puts all of my weight and energy into something,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the act of putting everything into what I'm doing, when, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to focus all of my weight and energy as tension, where in tensing up I can see how I'm not standing in stillness and focus, and am afraid to be here and not asleep in a dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from putting all of myself into what I do, when I fear remaining focused on just being physical, because it means I cannot drift off into my mind, and am trapped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape being trapped as the physical, by further trapping myself within my mind, as creating and forming the addiction to alternate realities, less focused on physical action and existence.

So there are a few elements at play here, not putting myself into what I do physically, creates separation it's based out of fear, and caused tension in the physical, for not utilizing the physical to my best potential.

The character is the fear of placing myself into my actions, causing further separation from my actions when tension is formed, and this character seems justified, but I know it cannot be legitimate, as appealing as it is on the surface, to be able to zone out and all the things I can do in zoning out, I realize can be accomplished on the physical level just the same, but better. Except for one part.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear putting myself into my actions in the physical, because it means I cannot dream.

But, can't I?

Or can I not?

Can I dream as the physical?

What is a dream?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing the physical, in total focus and effort in each breathe, because it means ending my relationship to my dreams.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of my dreams.

This dream stuff has been going on for my whole life,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the dreams I imagine in my head as better than living a dream as reality as a waking dream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a character that prefers his dreams a certain way, in my head how I personally desire, when this does not line up to the physical dream I'm actually living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that the physical dream as reality, could never be as beautiful as what I can conjure up in my illusionary mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn in relationship to my dreams, in holding onto the ones that I define as the greatest and most essential for my personality ego energetic exsistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my life of ego and vanity as dreams and energy exist where I realize if I had the money to live without a care in the world, and could cater only to my existence as illusion and dreams, then surely I would?

That's an example of how if things really came to it, and I won the lottery, and could just roll over and die in my piles of wealth, who would I be?

Begs the question, who would I be if my dreams were in fact my reality? physically I would not be so different, it's just the visual, where I don't like what I see, I don't like going into the same place of work, seeing the same people, and same objects over and over again, I've lost compassion for what's right in front of my eyes, as I've lost compassion for seeing the same old thing within myself day-in and out.

If I died tonight, at the very least, couldn't I just tone things down a bit, take a hit while I still can, in letting go just a little, facing my fear of dreams and pictures as being what define my highest purpose.

It defines my loss of purpose, and my fear of reality.

If I could die with a little more integrity intact.

It seems impossible to tackle all at once, but the thing is I can turn the impossible into possible, with a switch of my mind.

I know dreams are a major part of my personal life and process, I've just been so busy scraping by ever day, and now that things are improving so much for me on a day-to-day basis, I find myself having the choice to put myself into each day, each moment, each breathe, each choice, and as I began, I looked inside of myself and saw the tension caused by me not putting myself all into each action, each breathe, everything I do, and I questioned why, and I saw the fear, the all or nothing, another point and character I've encountered before.

Take the physical or take the dreams, and I know what my utmost potential is, but sometimes even that can become blurred, by the overwhelming strength and authority I've placed on my imagination, dreams, and pictures.

This bit between me and my dreams, it at the very least is very intimidating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself form realizing myself as creating my dream here on earth as putting myself totally into each action as each breathe to my fullest potential, when I give into fear of not reaching my utmost potential as a imagination dream.

I am my imagination,

I don't want anything to do with reality, so why put myself all into each action, and each breathe?

Why even try? At all?

I want to die seeking my self interest as imagination, and all my attempts at convincing myself that it is not really in my best interest, are being ignored.

For me personally, it's the long run, it's common sense, which is allowing me to triumph in not just bending over and giving up to my dreams, for at least
tonight, but hopefully for the rest of my life.

I remind myself, this is a great place to be, to be so comfortable with my mind, body, my work, my schedule, that I'm able to make time to face my greatest obstacle I've yet to face in my life, my dreams, even if it's just for a little while.

Also on my DIP course I'm on it says to do my commitments a little different that how I usually do them, so I will test that out here.

When and as I see myself being distracted from reaching my utmost potential in physically focusing myself in each moment and each action, distracted by my mind as dreams and imagination, I stop, I breathe, I realize that it doesn't have to be all or nothing, I can be swayed by a great wave of energy and emotion and imagery in my mind, yet still direct myself back to what I'm doing physically, and that is how I realize I will be defining myself as I venture further into the realm of dreams, and continue to utilize my other blog which is entirely based on facing this very point and challenge in my life, and thus I commit myself to remember when faced with dreams and imagery of any sort, what is important is that I remain physically here, and thus do not need to give into fear.