Day 156- Sleep Problems

Every day I wake up I feel like I'm not ready to get up.

In recent memory, it's not sometimes that I wake up like this, it's every time.

But then I'll have days when I'm writing my blog, and I can't think of anything to write about, and it's like I forget that the painful waking up experience had even occurred, even though I make a mental note every time it happens, that, I need to work on my sleep, I need to take a nap when I get home for the day, I need to write about this, but I always forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the bad experience of waking up and feeling as though I have no strength or will to leave my bed.

Cutting myself off, as having to get up and go to work, or whatever I'm getting up for, feels like cutting me off from an addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the feeling I have while I'm asleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go through this traumatic experience of cutting myself off from sleep every night, yet never delve back into investigation, where I just hope each night that I will sleep better, and thus wake up feeling ready to start my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my traumatic waking up experience each night with the feeling of hope that the next night will be better, and will be a more rewarding sleep session.

One specific thing I want to work on which has to do with the suppression is, when I wake up, and I feel like, I didn't sleep enough, but it's almost time to get up and go, so I get upset in my head, and I say 'this isn't fair', 'this sucks', 'I can't believe this'

Here I can see the emotions, where I'm sad upset depressed, because it's 'not fair'

Before I even question what is or isn't fair about this particular sleeping situation, I say,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with extreme negative emotion when I have to get up but am not ready to get up yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame something for making this sleep situation not fair for me, when, I don't know what I'm blaming, or what part of myself I blame, but it's this feeling that something is being done to me by something outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself for not fulfilling my 'need' to get something particular out of sleep.

What is this need?

Everyday I feel this same desire and need for more sleep, yet I get up and function just fine, if not very well during my day, how could I 'need' this feeling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my body become addicted to excess amounts of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of my hunt for 'perfect' sleep.

Perfect sleep being, waking up feeling fulfilled, feeling ready to get up, feeling like I've slept enough, feeling like I do not need to lay back down now that I'm awake.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hunt for this perfect sleep in separation from myself as the arbiter of my own body.

When and as I see myself thinking to myself this isn't fair that I have to wake up when I don't feel up to it, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've made this problem and contributed to it by not effectively waking myself up by going back to sleep after my alarm went off, thus, I commit myself to push myself harder in trying to wake up in silence and self movement of starting my day by directing myself to wake up when it's time to get up regardless of how I feel, as well as not contributing to the thinking about all the ways it isn't fair that I have to get up when it's time to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word 'contradiction' when I feel victimized by not getting a quality amount of sleep, as feeling good after I get up, when I don't even fight back against myself, if I'm being victimized by myself, why don't I fight back?... I'd rather roll over... and go back to sleep.

It catches me off guard every single night, I'm not ready to fight, I'm not ready to do anything, it's like everything within me has just been re-calibrated, and I'm not ready to put it all together.

I wake up living the words hostile, like I'm angry that I'm awake, but I'm also living the word passive, where I just want to roll back over... So hostile yet passive, makes passive aggressive.

Which ties into my life, because I'm a passive aggressive person.

I have manifested a lot of passive aggressive tendencies, where I'm mad or upset about something in my world, yet take a passive role of just sitting there fuming, not finding a direct route to resolution, just waiting for the problem to go away.

This sleep problem is not going to go away on it's own any time soon from what I've seen of it, so I commit myself to live the words, direct patience, in relationship to my sleep problem of waking up, because direct patience, is the opposite of passive aggressive.

So that shows how in everything within me as my mind being interrelated, how this personality of passively tolerating my problems and just letting myself throw a fit bleeds into all realms of my life, with people, and even with sleep or other problems, I just get upset, and then wait for things to resolve themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be passive aggressive in relationship to my sleeping problem, instead of just seeing I have a problem and finding a timely and appropriate resolution.

One thing is that I'm passively aggressively upset that I have to write about this point, because I have been hoping that I just go into bed with the mindset of sleeping the way I want to, and eventually coming out the other end with my intentions having manifested, but no, I clearly have to write about it, I clearly have to write self forgiveness about it, but I wished that I could have just one thing in my life not need my direct written stated attention, I wish just one thing could be wished into existence, I wish that I could wish for better sleep.

I wish I could make just one wish come true, but instead I'm forced to learn about how things really work.

So, I've seen passive aggressive, and wishful thinking, Passively wishing things will get better, all the while getting angry that they aren't getting better. So, that's a cool personality construct to be paying more attention too, because I already know I have some serious anger/aggression issues that need to diffused.

I commit myself to deal with my issues head on, instead of passively becoming angry that my issues aren't being attended too.