Day 96- Boredom

'Boardom'

Boredom does make me think of boars, where if I have activities, where I'm preoccupied in my world, as I usually am, I'm usually not bored.

The dom is like the dome, like the sphere. When I'm in my sphere and am just actively doing things I'm pretty much content as I'd really need to be.

So the dome could be my head, and when I'm mentally preoccupied I'm not bored, I'm fulfilled and content.

When I do get bored it comes from my relationship to time.

I'm bored because I'm waiting for next activity, the next 'always something'

It's hard to be prepared for the next activity when I miss every single thing in-between.

I charge through from one event to the other.

But with the preparation, I can be ready for everything to come.

The polarity is bored or preoccupied. Charging forward or waiting around.

That's a cool mantra, 'charge forward'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be discontent within myself in reaction to not having an activity to charge through, or an activity that I feel properly preoccupies or fulfilled me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge into the next event, when it's not time to get going yet, where I get for example pumped up to go to work, but it's not even time to get ready to go yet, and I don't want to get pumped up, I just want to be content, but I understand needing to utilize getting pumped up to be more efficient sometimes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to burden myself with the need to charge into battle as work and game and all the preoccupations and activities, where in self honesty I could sit around and just breathe just be here, but there's a reason I preoccupy my time with media outside of work, It's about always charging forward, never boring down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rock with the balance in my life, where I'm always charging forward, and never balance it out with time to just sit around and be bored, read a book, just lay down and relax in silence.

I have a tendency to preoccupy myself before boredom can even be induced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge charging forward as more important than just taking a step back and being bored, just laying out like a board with nothing to do.

Taking some time back to myself, will allow me to be better at charging forward when the time comes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place all my investment in charging forward, like the blind boar warrior in my picture for this blog, where I'm just acting like a beast without any senses except to fight, as charging into the next event and the next action.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to flesh out my life no matter where I am or what I'm doing with boredom, charging forward, as well as taking time to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get my heart pumping before I go into work, when it is still several hours until I need to be at work, and I don't want to get pumped up for work just yet, and I'm not sure what getting so worked up about before I go into work will serve me, when it might be better to just go in calm, and take on the tasks as they come one at a time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get my heart rate going with excitement and anxiety when I know it's time to go into work soon, and I want to be able to charge through all the conflicts and tasks that I must face at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge through all the conflicts at work, instead of simply taking things slowly, calmly, where I can better dictate myself and who i am in relationship to the tasks and conflicts.

It's like fear, like being feral, where I fear all, I fear all of work, and just want to charge forward and be done with it, just to go do it again the next day, if not immediately afterwards.

I have an all or nothing personality, that's a lot of charging forward and trying to do it all, and then failing, and then not doing anything.

Pacing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have the discipline and self restraint to pace myself for myself, where I'm not influenced to charge forward all the time.

It's easier to burn myself with a fire under my butt, than it is for me to simply move myself and not have to be influenced.

A lazy pig.

Not in a judgement way, just in introspection, thinking about pigs and boars, thinking about charging forward from one activity to another, not taking time for good hygiene, health, organization, structure, or relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get pumped up to go and do activities where I'm lacking in the constancy of not being lazy, where I say to myself I'm not lazy because look at all the things I do and accomplish, when this kind of laziness that finds a way to creep into all things I do exist because it's not about changing my actions, it's about changing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy when I charge into everything I do, because it's easier to throw it all to the wind and go gung ho than it is to take time and have discipline and focus and self sustainability.

I'm can be very blunt with women, and express my interest in dating without getting to really know them first, not that it's a bad thing, but it's an example of just all or nothing, don't bother with them, or charge in no holds barred.

Dating can sometimes be just another form of preoccupation, something to rush into just to take your mind off things.

I never thought much of boredom, or about how we're always preoccupied with all the new technology and inventions we have, but bored and entertained seems to be one of those quintessential things.

We as people always want to be entertained, unless we're in a situation of survival, where survival supersedes the need to be entertained.

The other night, I wanted to do some things when I got out of work, but I layed down, and it was like I had no will to do anything else, like I was just done for the day, like going to work was my entire day, even though there's certainly other activities and responsibilities I want to attend to.

I can't just be doing any old activity, or I can, but I need to be excited by it.

I'm not bored when I'm excited.

I hate the feeling of being bored, it's like a moment where life has lost all purpose and meaning.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define life as lacking purpose and meaning just because I'm not entertained within myself at any particular moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into situations and take actions I'm not comfortable with just to get my horses racing, just to get triggered, to not be bored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suffer within myself as conflict of any kind, before I would take the latter as boredom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge boredom as worse than pain and suffering within myself.

What is boredom?

Boredom was something I experience when I didn't have anything to do at work the other day, and I made a note of it.

I realized I was bored because I did not have anything to do because I was all caught up at work, and it made me think about needing to be preoccupied, and how I charge from one preoccupation to the next, to essentially for all intents and purposes not be bored.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be influenced by boredom within myself when I take actions and do things that lead to me not experiencing boredom within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my thoughts and feelings distract me from dealing with my conflicts in relationship to other's where if I'm in conflict in relationship to someone else it's just a matter of putting it down to paper or just out loud in self forgiveness, but that can be tedious and boring, so I'd rather it be more difficult and painful than needed.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being influecned by boredom, as I realize myself as putting myself into situations within myself within this influence in avoidance of boredom that I'm not comfortable with, when I'd rather just face boredom and discover what it is, the state of inactivity.

I commit myself to start devoting time to stillness within myself, to being still and not thinking, feeling, expressing, and just being bored, being quiet, taking some time to really take things back for what they are, exciting or boring.