Day 71- Lounging

I have a goal, an idea for myself, to be lounging all the time. At work, at home, everywhere I go, I want to be lounging.

What does this mean in different terms? In a more practical living expression.

I want to be unmoved, to swim through live untethered by my mind.

So, lounging is like relaxing. I'm not really living the words relaxation, in my life.

I'm living the words, anxiety, stress, nervous, on edge.

Those aren't lounging words.

Those are survival words.

I want to stop surviving as my mind, and start lounging as myself, here, not charged up with emotional experience as stress, anxiety, worry.

I immediately become defensive, like why should I be relaxed, content, and comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to challenge my own common sense that I should be living and expressing myself in a way I see as objectively better for myself as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so caught up in my own ways, that I'm not willing to take the most basic step of change, as comfort, and relaxation, over stress, and conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change, even if it seems like it would be in the best interest of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be naive within holding an expression within me out of resistance to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, when I say, this is clearly what is best for life, as being relaxed and content, over being stressed out for no good reason.

This part of me is saying, the stress, and anxiety, will fall away as I write it out in time, and until then I'm stuck with it.

That's more of my mind speaking, but me, the most me here speaking, is saying, that's not true, you can always make things better for yourself, and you can be relaxed, and content, and you can lounge, without having written out every single point of stress and anxiety.

Because it's one of the things I learn listening and observing the Desteni community, you can live words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live the word stressed out.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to instead live an objectively better word of lounging, as being here, content, relaxed.

I resist real change, as the living word, the living expression.

Yet, I'm totally willing to live out change in my mind, as false, as a picture, an experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the illusion of change over real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live without common sense, when I take a clear substitution over the real thing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change, without living and breathing the real thing, so I can keep who I am in tact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep who I am as my mind in tact, and somehow believe that I still deserve to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to keep who I am as stress and anxiety in tact.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on stress and anxiety, as tools of survival.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I cannot change who I am if I am still trying to survive as my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust who I am here, as life, to be able to live, as to eat, and work, and survive as a human body, where I believe I need stress and anxiety to keep me afloat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I need stress and anxiety to survive, as stress and anxiety influence me to make the most limited decisions interested only in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have lived as what's best for life as being relaxed, content, as lounging.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, when and as I see myself living the words stress, anxiety, and worry, as I reassert myself as the words, relaxed, content, and lounging.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the state of being here with myself and being relaxed in my movement and actions and within my body as being 'lazy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid relaxation where I associate it with weakness and not being active in my world and environment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize relaxation and calm and content as being one and working with my body here, in each breathe, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stifle my ability to be here and work with my body when I"m trying to survive and avoid words like lounging and relaxing, because to me, I'm not seeing what's really happening as the constriction and stress on the body through my mental practices as anxiety worry and stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I have never actually tried to live and work within and as my own body in each breathe before, so it makes sense that I had the initial defensive reaction, it's frightening to face how I am neglecting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing how I have neglected myself as survival, and have actually limited how I breathe, and act, and move within my body and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to survive as my mind as the way I'd like things to be as my ego, at the expense of relaxation as the luxury of giving me back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leech off of the physical, as indicated by my inability to be here, relaxed, content, and comfortable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to substitute real comfort, and real content here in living and breathing as myself, with feelings, as feeling, tried, and feeling then the release within sleep.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear lunging into myself, as lunging myself, as lounging within and as myself, as just breathing, and just being here to my fullest capacity.

So, I wrote out the other day about that sort of fear as wanting to hold onto just one part of my mind, wanting to stop certain things as attachments to dreams, and certain mental play outs, and I wanted to make a statement for myself, that I will try to go all in, no holds barred, in seeing that I fear letting go of certain things.

So, what I want to give to myself as self support within this commitment which I'm walking, is to go all in, as to leap into my body, to lunge back into myself, as to lounge as I am here, and I'd like to be content and comfortable, as I walk myself back to life.

Here's how I'm going to try to approach this.

I've been having the most bizarre/interesting relationship to my breathe, as I try to develop self awareness as breathe to the best of my ability, I realize a lot of it is a process, and I realize when I'm consistent writing self forgiveness within self honesty, I mimic that stability within myself as breathe.

When I was not doing self forgiveness yet still trying to breathe in self awareness still trying to change to no real avail, I found my breathe bordering insanity, I was trying to breathe as all kinds of different ways and expressions, and It's hard to really describe what I was doing, my one goal was to stop my mind, and a lot of consequence and outflow arouse from that point, when being done without self honesty and self forgiveness.

Here and now I'm putting some of these pieces together for myself, where I see I can still utilize my breathe in some fascinating ways, and am becoming more proficient at maintaining myself as self awareness within breathe.

So, In the past I've tried to breathe myself into a state of relaxation, among trying to breathe myself into many other different states of mind, during my time away from my writing, but this time, with utilizing self honesty, self forgiveness, I'm going to see if I can't utilize my breathe in a more practical way this time around.

This is going to be pretty crazy...

Ok, I commit myself to in each moment, as each breathe, actively, as directly, as me moving myself in each breathe, as the word lounging as relaxing.

This is really crazy, because I'm talking each breathe, living the word relaxation, in each breathe. For ever, till death, as actually living it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the task of breathing as relaxation in each breathe, until death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self responsibility, as I am responsible to myself until death, and I should be relaxed as working with my own body within that time-span.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself down within falling and giving up on breathing as relaxation as the living word directly for and as myself within each breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I won't actually be able to live these words of lounging and relaxing, and content, because I believe it will be coming from my mind as consciences, and only erupting as a feeling expression within myself.

That's an interesting point and brings me to something I have struggled with within myself.

How do I know I'm living something, vs. just manifesting mental experience.

I don't really have a good answer to that in this moment, but what I know is that what I have seen, within myself and other's in relationship to living self forgiveness is very real, and very possible, and that no matter what trials and tribulation I face, I find myself no more complete than when I am here, with myself, breathing, forgiving, and trying to create myself as what is best for all of life.

I commit myself to try, even when it seems totally batty, I commit myself to try, because I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain within self forgiveness.

Day 70- Taking a Hit

I hit myself.

I'm an abuser. I hit myself all the time. In my mind when I'm thinking, when I'm reacting, when I'm existing as fear.

Forgetting the system, other people, and just taking a stand within my own relationship to myself, I am my only problem.

I keep hitting myself with more consequence and more struggle and more problems.

The I complain about how hard it is, to deal with myself.

Complain about what I have done to myself.

I'm going to be taking a lot of punches, everything I can throw at myself I will, Murphy's law, if I can find a way to make things more difficult for myself I will act upon it, automatically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing that one way or another I will make things more difficult than they need to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to prepare for the hit of conflict within my mind, by trying to out think and predict the situation, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and act upon the illusion that I am not the soul creator of my own conflict and consequences within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be on edge, out of preparation and anticipation for the next hit as the next conflict I will imagine and bring about for myself based on my environment or my mind as predicting where and who I will be in the future and all the problems that I will come about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself as restricting my ability to be here, and be content within myself, when I place myself within anticipation out of fear of what problems will arise next.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subservient to myself as my mind of inciting conflict and problems within myself which stand in my way of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prey upon myself as conflict with the expectation of it one day making me stronger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop myself as becoming stronger as surviving as a mind, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make myself stronger as giving myself to life as myself as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare myself for conflict instead of just taking the point of conflict back to myself, as hitting myself with self honesty, and taking that hit with self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are the source of my conflict.

Wow, that's a big deal.

I understand the concept, but I have I ever lived it?

My writing is over a long period of time, and in a lot of different places and mediums, but in all of what I've written, have I ever forgiven myself for blaming others for my problems, for my difficulties, and actually began living it for myself as realizing myself as my only problem?

Ground breaking material.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my own internal repercussions and conflicts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate interaction with others out of reaction to seeing someone, or planning to see someone, or just knowing they will be in the same place as I, because I with all my heart, totally sincerely blame my problems on others.

Very interesting new perspective.

How do I avoid a verbal or physical conflict, while still realizing myself as the instigator of my own standing within relationship to another.

Could someone walk up and literally hit me in the face, and I still be able to deal with the pain, without blame. Realizing the pain as my own, even if the actions resulting in the pain were not.

A little philosophical, but when being self forgiveness and self honesty as the outline, as the core, totally justified.

It's a what if? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if the sky falls?

Anyone who has ever heard of the 'knock out game', know that in this world even in the most 'civilized' of countries, there is no 'real' civility anywhere, any time.

So, what I think to myself, of course I'm going to react, that's justified, that's my right. This idea of they struck first.

That boundary in my mind, where I know at any moment I'll totally give up everything I've tried to stand for.

It's hard to deal with annoyance, and anger, when I know there's always seeing to be a point where I know of course I'd fall into blame and reaction, of course I would justify my actions within myself.

I over heard a gentleman speaking about some drunk kids who were hassling him on his property, and how he treated their lives with implying he would pull his 45 on them, ect, ect, and I don't have guns or knives, and that's probably, definitely, for the best, for myself, because I'm not any different from this man threatening those drunk kids, I'm ready to blame anyone for anything within me, even when I try not to, I know where my line still remains, waiting to be crossed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define an uncrossable line within myself where I will indefinitely blame and resent and abolish any self forgiveness and self honesty I have left to me in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deep down tolerate blame and hate at any cost, because I still believe it is justified in certain manners.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that blame as hate and anger and resentment is ever justifiable, as ever meaning anything but ignorance to self as self honesty as where self is the only creator in one's own experience.

I commit myself to find this hate and blame and anger, and to root it out, as I look forward, and look back, and look within, until I can see and live for real the actualization of myself, as realizing better than to justify hate and blame, and to know better that my conflict starts and ends with myself.

I commit myself, to stop, breathe, when and as I find a way to justify blaming others for my problems, as I realize in self honesty, I have no way to do so outside of my own creation as my mind.

Self responsibility, at all costs.

I commit myself to take the hit, because I'm the one who threw it.

Day 69- Character Assassination

I am an assassin, an assassin of character. I'm very busy fighting my own character, and the character of others in my mind. Always trying to get the last laugh, the final blow. I fight characters within judgement, because it is all I am, and so all I can see in others.

I exist within total judgement of myself and others.

I cannot see life in anyone, because I cannot see it in myself.

I'm trying to kill the character that stands between me and myself as life, without self honesty, without self forgiveness. So the consequence, is that the fight within myself, only gets worse.

This needs to be forgiven, some part of this hate within myself, as my ego, needs to be slowed down, and taken down at least a notch for right now.

I need to see with real eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the character as ego as self interest, more than I do value and integrity as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my character is right, and it is that of others that are wrong and needing to be taken down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and influenced by my own character, where I have judged my character as unquestionable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built upon this foundation of judgement for so long, that I cannot trust who I am anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of mental energy and experience, where the decisions and actions I make as this character of myself, cannot be trusted to live and act for and as life.

So, one thing I'm learning about self forgiveness, is that it is the opposite of a quick fix, and in fact, will make things worse.

I'm breaking down judgement and character, broadly, because it is the only way I can see and understand it, only that it exist within me, next what I could predict to happen, is that my judgement will become more pro dominant, become louder, become more obvious and disturbing.

Because that is what it will take for me to see, what I've done in depth and detail.

To take it down a notch, until one day, it's no more than a thought, that only requires a single breathe to stop and forgive.

I've judged so much to the point that I'm in constant conflict with comparison, judgement, with my own character in relationship to myself and others.

So, yeah I can't see Jack shit. I'm fighting phantoms basically. Fighting myself.

But what do I know?

I know it's wrong, I know it's in my mind, I know it does not reflect what is best for me as equal to others, I know it must be faced, to reach equilibrium, not as fairness and justice, which is another character entity, but as oneness.

Here's one, now that I'm giving myself some breathing room through my initial self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as annoying characters for annoying me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face the construct of annoyance within myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a character who does not want to be disturbed, because I refuse to be self honest and self forgive myself when I have been annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the conflict within myself when I a character of annoyable, meets a character of annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take annoyance back to myself because through label, judgement, and character definition, I truly see myself as being annoyed by another as my personality, unable to see myself within this participation through my use of words and perception and behavior.

So, I must both, forgive myself of allowing myself to be annoyed, as well as defining others as the reason I become annoyed out of blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as annoying, out of blame.

I commit myself, to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself labeling another's character as annoyance, as I see, realize, and understand this is a reflex, to not see myself as the cause of my own annoyance, where I see myself as not deserving to be annoyed, the character of being above deserving to be annoyed, and subsequently, finding myself very easily annoyed.

Characters are ironic.

I commit myself to become the assassin of character, through self honesty, and self forgiveness, apposed to my current state of spite and hate, as dishonesty and neglect towards myself, as realizing myself as the character from which I can see the character of others.

Day 68- The Spear of Self

What does my mind say about me?

Why is my mind always running?

What does my mind accomplish?

Nothing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to run these derelect programs in the back of my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have at some point found justification for the participation in this energetic system of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have acted as manifesting what is not real as energy as allowing myself to be influencing myself as energy to the point that it is always in motion within me now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret the consequences as what has come about in my mind, when it is not for me to regret, as the energetic regret, makes it even worse yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have misaligned my actions and words with an illusion as my own personal expiernece and perspective as personality as the mind.

Why did I put myself in this position?

Why didn't I act on what's best for all of life, equally as myself, from the get go?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have implemented my mind where I have not stood for what is best for life within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have learned to act as what is best for all of life equally, and have to replay my mistakes over and over as my mind, until I get the picture.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get the picture as my self intrest, as the 3dimentional expierences of the mind became my own, as my possession.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to possess myself as mind, as indicated by my personality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be destructive towards life, as only considering my personal gain as ego and personality as energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play mind games where life could have been established.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living, when really I fear my own design of living as mind, which is not expressing life as living life, but is expressing destruction, as life living destruction.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as re-directing myself as what's best for all of life one and equal as myself, when and as I see myself destroying life as the system of limitation, self intrest, and destruction as my mind in it's current form.

Those are some very broad strokes, but it helps me to put the whole picture in perspective, now let me state some more specefic instances and circumstances.

- thinking in general, as not taking the best stance in a matter and living it, but instead doubting myself and coming up with infinite diffrent perspectives and possibilities and just crunching the numbers over and over again, until I have no real stance on the matter I was thinking about.

-reactions, a personalized opioin as expierences towards a specefic thing, influencing who I am in that moment of reaction, as abdicating how I will act and move myself based on ego.

-feelings and emotions, defining who I am as an experience and not as standing living and breathing, another form of expression as ego.

So who I am and how I live and breathe is lost somewhere in the mix of all of those and all other formulas I have concocted of who I am, what I do, say, and express within myself.

So everything moving and playing out within me is a consequence outplay of what I have already ingrained in the very fabric of who I am as a mind.

So, the best thing I can do as life, is to constantly be writting out and picking apart this system, thread by thread, until life is all that remains as the physical.

Taking apart these things, is what is going to give me the oppritunity to redefine my life and who I am, as one and equal to all of life.

So, why do I get distracted. These moments of possession towards other things.

How have I defined my purpose as doing certain activites that do not support me via comparison.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to someone who might be able to rise to the ocassion better than I see myself as having the will to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as not having the will to rise to the ocassion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take my life and expierences into total consideration in making decesions and taking action, when I compare my will to rise towards another, who has lived their own life and expierences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as I am young, I can do this, because I have my whole life ahead of me to do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow my insecurity as not rising to the ocassion, affect me when I'm still comparing my ability to rise as, I'm young and they are old, so I have the head start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my process into a game as I'm young, and I started young, so I can still 'get ahead'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize this comparison of age vs time spent within Desteni, because I still believe I need some kind of motivation outside of myself as living what is best for life as one and equal to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate acting on principle for and as myself when I require the challenge as compition to prove myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require to be validated before taking action for and as myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to recognise myself as the results I have manifested in my life as self forgiveness and self commitment as validation of who I am and what I should be doing in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set the condition for myself that I write and forgive and commit and give it my all, under the circumstances that I am loved and recognized for my action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to
be recognised as God for taking action and changing myself as one and equal, where I see myself as not playing the role of God for and as myself, as acting, making decesions and moving myself within and as my world and reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weak when I inadequately manage my time, as judging myself as someone who cannot manage their time and devotion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto past memories of how I have spent my time, as defining who I am now as being unable to take authority in my life and management of my time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to affect my ability to manage my time now, out of comparison to how I have judged myself as managing my time in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge who I am now in comparison to the past.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself comparing who I am to the will of other people, as I realize and direct myself within the understanding of myself as one individual, not comparable to anyone else within how I direct myself in my world.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself judging myself as unable to manage my time, based on how I've judged myself as time management in the past, as I realize who I am now should not be defined by past events and experiences.

Day 67- Silver lining

Silver lining.

A lesson in everything.

Improvement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live without self improvement, when something bad happened and I did not learn from my relationship to it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have taken bad experiences back to myself and tried to improve on them.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to treat myself better, by learning more from my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not treat myself better by learning from my situation and experiences because I'm existing as blame toward my situation and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not improve myself in relationship to my experiences and situations out of blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be honest with myself in how I have limited my self improvement through blaming my circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not improve from within myself because I do not honestly introspect when something goes wrong or right in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have existed within the personality of going into situations and trying to make things work out, without ever taking a step back and questioning when things don't seem to quite add up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek what I want externally as what I'm not giving to myself internally without questioning when things do not work out, as not realizing how I blame others for not giving to me what I want and desire in my world as relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the best way to live as improving as learning from my mistakes and unforeseen situations, as taking the points back to myself, as seeing myself as the starting point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear overwhelm me and prevent me from seeing what needs to be seen as taking points back to myself.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as realizing myself as limiting myself within blame when I do no pick up where I left off, as improving the good, bad, and neutral in my life, as giving to myself the gift of self improvement utilizing the equality principle, when and as I see myself blaming other's for my situation as an excuse to not improve myself wherever I can.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not improve when I'm blaming others for not doing what I want them to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to have authority over someone else and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize blame as blaming another for not doing things my way.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take self responsibility for myself and my own actions when I limit what I'm willing to do and stand for within myself dependent on what another will do for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as the starting point of my self improvement and instead impose onto myself out of blame of external forces, as if this person does this, than I refuse to move forward.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself out of blame, as I cannot function like this, because 'this is not fair to me'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize others actions are their own, and who I am within my relationship to others actions is what is limiting me, as I am setting a bar of when and when I am not willing to act and improve based on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be destructive towards myself because things aren't fair to me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I am the one destroying myself, as not accepting the world around me as it is, and guaranteeing the one thing I can actually give to myself, as standing one and equal regardless of the circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to verbally attack others within my mind, as a means of further ingraining the blame within me, where, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can make things fair through mental attacks on others characters, and within this not realize I'm only seeing even more of my own limitation towards myself as blame, as in self honesty I realize when I verbally slander another as backchat and hate, I'm the one who has to pay the Piper.

I forgive myself for accepting and and allowing myself to believe by mentally taking a swing at someone as hateful thoughts and language that I will be justified and reach equilibrium with them, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself as hate and thoughts as backchat to reach equilibrium, without seeing that I'm the one who has created the imbalance within myself, and the hate and spite I permeate only makes it worse.

So, now I can see how I'm absolutely the one with the problem, I'm the only one, as one and equal, so I am existing as the curator and creator of my own problems and injustice.

So, best I stop all the fowl mouthing, even if just internal, because I'm only making things worse for myself.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, and direct myself to not participate in deliberate backchat as hate speech toward others out of blaming them for my limitations, when and as I see myself blaming another for my current experiences, as giving me a chance to move on from that moment, and leaving it as it is, until it can be attended to within breathing, self honesty, and self forgiveness, and self commitment, as I realize when I permit myself to think the things I do, about people, about myself, out of blame, I am clearly the one running the show, the one who tolerates blame to get his way, the one who knows not what he does. The fool. I commit myself, to stop playing the fool, and live.

So this personality of blaming my circumstances and others, and than not taking action in response, what kind of world do I think I live in? What evidence is their that the world will ever bend to my whims? There is not evidence that the world as the people making up the world are fair, I'm not fair, this is an illusion that I have illustrated, expecting the world to suit my desired outcomes, and hopes.

It takes me back to my dreams again, as I have stated before, boy can I dream, what do I gain? Nothing really, it seems.

And this illusion, seems to reflect my ability to dream.

Where I can really really dream up and concoct a certain idea as a dream of what I'd like my world to be, and what is fair, and what I want to happen, and it's all another dream, I blame the world for not being as I have dreamt. And I'm so up in my own illusions, that I won't settle for what is, and simply realize and do what is best for myself as all of life equal.

This is my chance to improve, this is my chance to move forward for real.

What will be, will be, what I need to do is to take on myself, as one and equal, as doing what is best for myself as all of life, in all ways.

I commit myself to stop the corrosive destruction that I have manifested as my mind, and to reintroduce to myself, a better way or living, for all, as one and equal to myself.

I commit myself to remember, the power my mind has, is only the power I have over myself. Disempowement vs Self empowerment and self improvement.

I commit myself to improve for real, as seeing with real eyes, and without fear.

So I just have another thought as a thinking moment about some situations in my life right now, and I think to myself I'm budgeting my time now to write, introspect and improve and that's fantastic, but in the moment at work, at play, ect. I think to myself, I was trying my god damned heart out, what else could I have done?

So, when stop blaming others in my mind, I'm seeing a more clearer picture as indicated by this sentiment I had toward myself. 'I tried my best'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be mad that things go wrong even though 'I tried my best'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize trying my best, means trying to best the system, not trying to better myself.

I commit myself to suppourt myself in the betterment of myself, and to stop trying to beat the system, as I realize, nearer, and nearer, I am the system, so what good will beating myself accomplish?

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as realizing the limitation of 'fairness', as not realizing what is, and only seeing my dream and my desire of fair, as a mind, when and as I see myself, reacting, and acting on my judgement towards myself as what is and is not ok within my world.

Day 66- I didn't realize I still believed in God.

After Note: It's funny how, I began this blog, intending to write out a certain point, but through my self honest evaluation, through self forgiveness, have come in this blog post, to the realization having what seems to me nothing to do with what I had intended to write,
but actually having everything to do with what I had intended to write, that I in my life right now, believe in 'god', as an overseeing benevolent construct making things happen in my life, more than I did when I was a child and believed in the Catholic god, and I up to this point identified as being open and willing to take an anything is possible stand, when really, I already have been living a very firm belief in my own personal God, so what really happened, was I believed myself too special too share a god, and instead decided a special snowflake like me, must have a very special God just for me.

...

Ok, so everything is cool right now.

Everything. It's perfect...

So it's time to get going, and fast.

This is the time to prepare. The calm before the storm.

So I'm already scared after writing that, I'm like, 'yeah that's true things are calm now, so the only thing that can happen is things not being calm.' Than I think, I wonder what's going to happen, and 'I'm scared to imagine what it could be.'

I forgive self for accepting and allowing myself to think 'uhh ohh', 'that's probably true something bad will be coming up next.', and within this admitting that not only do I know I'm not living real change because I'm just having a good day, I know as indicated in my mind I'm willing to enjoy the good, but the idea of the bad whatever it might be is very scary.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that bad times are coming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over the bad in fear of consequences without realizing what role I have played in my life as not taking the good with the bad equally, and not realizing how to stand within the good times and the bad times within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve the good times, and not the bad times.

Forget any participation in the matter, just to say I deserve to have everything go my way, and don't deserve to have it not go my way, regardless of my participation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work with the mathematics that the more that is going good for me, the more likely something bad is to happen.

Why is that?

Theoretically my life could always be on the up, in an alternate reality my life might only ever get better from each moment to the next.

So, what I'm working with is the system I'm in, and in common sense everyone knows, Murphy's law, 'everything that can go wrong, will'.

So taking a step back, I'm talking real change. The world could go up in flames, but it's who I am in the relationship to that world which is what I will live and apply for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing something will go wrong for me, and within this not realizing that it's who I am in relationship to things going wrong that defines how I react, respond, and interpret said events.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I personally define certain events and outcomes in relationship to myself affects the way I live.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like I would never die for example, as partaking in risky or morally questionable activities, showing me how I only exspect good things to happen for me, regardless of who I am as creating certain outcomes for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot predict what the next big or even smaller conflict or occurrence may be in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to predict and control what will happen outside of myself, when in self honest I simply cannot, I can do what I can do, but the rest is out of my hands.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by an accident or some unforeseen cause.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fired from a job, due to some mistake or fiscal purpose.

So if I don't fear these things, they certainly could still happen either way, but I fear dealing with what might happen once it is already occurred.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dealing with a conflict or an accident.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as having defined myself as not being capable of dealing with certain potential occurrences that probably will arise for myself or someone close to me even at some point in time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my full potential as taking the good with the bad and really defining who I will be in regard to either event.

I think, this is really perplexing, I'm not getting to the meat here, certainly cutting the skin, but not really hurting that nerve that's always good to locate, and then I think, it's hard to see what's going on when you're in the thick of it, it's not just that I'm having a good time, and want to get ready for not having a good time at some point in the future, it's that I'm way into cosmic flow, things happening for a reason, and that's something I have not substantially addressed!

There's a popular guy on YouTube, I used to watch. He did a lot of video game, review, discussion, and commentary. He had a segment called WTF is: and then the title of the game. He would say that for the title, and it makes you go, yeah, I have never heard of this game, maybe it had a small production team and not a lot of publicity, so maybe you go into the review/overview having no idea wtf is that game? Just based off the title.

So WTF is cosmic flow? Also known perhaps as fate, synchronicity, destiny, meant to happen.

Yeah, meant to happen, it happend, it could not have happened, but it did happen, so it was meant to, because it did happen.

Basically cosmic flow, means something happened to me, and I believe I'm special and that this will always be what happens to me, who am I within it? Idk, who am I in response to it? A very very special snowflake, so much so that when bad things happen to me... I just 'cannot even'.

Suspending how money, family, region, and education is the foundation for the quality of life a person might have. Also suspending the still possible to me chance that certain things happen to certain people, prescribed by, something or someone out of that individuals control.

Let me answer one question, who am I as a special, very special, snowflake? And where did I go wrong?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything happens for a reason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything I have ever lived was given to me by the universe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for this deeply held idea, because I know that what it reflects is the abdication of self creation and self responsibility for said creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that good things that happen to me happen for a reason, given to me as my destiny, but that bad things happen, just because.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my relationship between the good and the bad, and how I want to believe I'm special and that things will always work out in my favor.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how in reality the real factor at play is money, and that I am special, in having money, at the cost of others who aren't as special, and must suffer for me to be handed the good things in life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit the amount of factors and information I have to work with in any given situation, because I perceive everything through the lens of privilege as money, as fate as the cosmic flow and synchronicity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving my situation as being more than born into the money, family, and society I am in, and believing that I am special, because all of what I have alone was not enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for desiring to have and be so much within my world, where what I stand and live for, does not indicate I'm anything but the problem for myself, and for the world as equal to bring made up of individuals as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the feeling of guilt, as within this I realize what else was there? As what else could I have done given the situation, where in a sense, what's done is done, and it is now that I have the tools and the self authority to enforce them for and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I have not enforced who I am as life when I have lived the experiences of being heavenly gifted with things as luck and fate and 'meaning to happen'.

So, what happens when I'm playing out this construct... I get a job, 'it was meant to be', I meet people in my job, 'I was meant to meet them', I interact with them a certain way, 'I was meant to have this interaction'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my participation as self responsibility when I enforce the perception that something was meant to happen and shouldn't be questioned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question why certain things happen and why I behave a certain way, because that would question the very fabric of how I live, without dignity, without considering all of life as equal, and seeing how humans have created the world through a reflection of themselves, and to blame the universe for creating the current situation on earth, is treason.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray everything I ever could have stood for, when I decide that it has nothing to do with me, nor even the people around me, but souly in the hands of God.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify giving God another name, as the hand of the universe bending itself before me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the repercussions of defying god, as standing as a creator.

I commit myself to stop, and breathe when and as I see myself believing something as having meant to or been destined to happen, as I realize, I do not know why things happen in self honesty, all I know is I must take back my power of self, as living what is best for all of life one and equal to myself in all ways, so that moment of perceiving something outside of myself through the lens of my mind, must be taken back in self honesty, and self forgiveness just like anything else.

I commit myself to stop, and breathe when and as I see myself fearing the potential outflows of internal and external consequences I must face in my world, as I realize consequence has always been a part of my life, I just only ever perceived the good and only ever perceived how special I was and above consequence, when in reality, I have no idea how close I have come to shattering that belief through outflows which might have never allowed me to see myself as anything other than the money in my pocket.

As I move forward from here. I have a grievance I must bring up.

If I have lived my life believing in a god as someone creating my expiernece and Destiny outside of myself, without the gravity of that even sinking in once, where is am I living the same mistake, the same lie, do I think I'm even close to knowing just how wrong I can be? I commit myself to find out just how much of my life is a lie, and then to gather up whatever is left of me under the heap of deception, and to redirect what is left of me, to stand for and as myself as life, one and equal, in the best way I possibly can.

Day 65- The Devil, as Energy.

The feeling when 'I just cannot'

What is the feeling of having energy?

Where does it come from? From food, water, and sleep?

Probably, but there's another type of energy, energy produced from the mind, such as emotions, feelings, experiences.

So why do I seem to derive more energy from my mind to will myself into action, and on the other end feel like 'I just cannot' sometimes?

Is it possible I'm not deriving a sufficient amount of nutrition, water, and sleep? I still don't know, so to reach that point, of being able to sufficiently function based on nutrition, water, and to a degree a little down time as sleep, I need to clear out what I have mentally put in my system as energy derived from things going well, and things going bad, being happy, or being upset, and really in that isolating a few things, and giving myself a better platform to function.

So, let me walk through the experiences of being burnt out, which is really tied to the experiences of not being burnt out, but having the energy.

So sometimes I have some form of energetic charge, and sometimes I do not, and that's when I'm burnt out.

So where do I start from there?

This up and down rollercoaster, isn't right, it's of no service to me, it's a disservice, and I cannot see what lies beneath it, and that's not right either.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give disservice to myself as riding and being ridden by energy, when I do not even know what my real relationship to real physical energy as sleep, water, nutrition really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride this ship, of energy as mind, when I cannot even see my relationship to it, only the consequences as burnout, including the consequences of having energy, which is see
at the cost of, no longer having energy, when 'I just cannot'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energy at the cost of my well being to function in my world, when I have seen myself burnout, if not after one day, after a few days, and in this moment knowing within me, this is not how I should be living, but continue to push through, without having realized anything about myself as energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the wave of energy, even though I have seen the evidence that it has become something totally playing the directive role in my life, potentially in all facets.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act solely on the influence of energy because I do not know any other way to live and express myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself another way to live and express myself within my relationship to energy as it stands.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have any other option, because I have define within myself energy as movement influence, as reward and consequence, as the only thing there is to act upon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within this system of energy, when I see myself having a choice, and utilizing instinct, as feeling, apposed to principle and consideration of life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enforce the system of influence as energy when I seek out relationships that make me feel good, without considering what's best as a more full picture, with more dynamics being taken into consideration.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my influence of energy over myself become so prevalent that I cannot even grasp for myself how much my life is torn between the different polarities of energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ground myself when I see myself being torn apart by energetic polarities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ground myself as centering myself here, because I cannot comprehend what that means or implies or how that is lived.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on energy because I can understand how to move it, and change it, and act on it, even though I do not really have any control in the matter, because it is a system, that I have pre-programmed, and do not fill grasp or remember just how it came about, I just know that it is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to except my life as energy as it is, because I can neither remember how it came about, nor see any other option.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to open myself up, and to really in self honesty consider what's going on.

It seems like, I'm utilizing energy, to survive a system I have created, even though it does not seem to take all of life into consideration, nor support me to my fullest potential, and it seems very unfortunate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have tolerated the misfortune of energy as consequence and survival within my life, where I have refused or denied to stand for integrity and principle.

Fear, it can help you survive, but is that really what is best for me? Surviving out of fear of my own misfortune, as my own consequence through my own creation.

Who am I as creating consequence through energy? Who am I as surviving not as life but as energy?

Who am I to create the system of which life must bend before?

A devil.

A devil who might refuse to stand up and say this is no quality of life, I cannot stand for this, and whom instead listens to demons, as my minions, as the voices in my head.

Maybe I have created consequences for myself as energy, which might be quite reprehensible.

Here's my opportunity, my ditch effort, to shake off my feathers, and prepare.

Consequences, this way cometh. Who am I going to be?

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself to the best of my ability, as honor, integrity, and principle, when and as I see myself creating a life based on energy, when I see myself acting not on those traits, but instead on self interest, where as I said, I don't really know what may be coming this way, but know what my role has been, and I know what I must do, moving forward.

Good luck.

Day 64- Groggy

How I feel in bed, 'I can't believe it's time to get up already'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to feeling groggy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with feeling incapable when I am feeling groggy as disconnected unmotivated not put together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let grogginess be a source of influence for me where I struggle then to coordinate myself and make decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unable to act by consistently giving into grogginess as the desire to sleep in and lounge around before I have to go to work or go to bed or do an activity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how me already defining myself as unable to navigate my world efficiently is the platform for where grogginess can come in and verify my identity as not just defining myself as unable to act and rise to the occasion, but actually feeling it within me as the word groggy as another level of enforcement onto myself as the word as a feeling expression of being weak and needing to do subversive activities to bide my time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to counter my grogginess by sticking to my plans and not allowing myself to be influenced by this feeling expression of groggy unable to move, unable to act, feeling off kilter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act when I feel on the ball, level headed, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how feeling as how I am experiencing myself is such a big factor in how I spend my free time, where I push through grogginess to do the tasks I am obligated for as going into work, but on my free time it is a major point of distress in my life, where I make decisions souly on how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up for lost time at work where I am forced to deal with my grogginess when I am at home and don't feel I have an obligation to push through such expressions that I hold within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am obligated to deal with such internal expressions because they will continue to gain traction in my life and affect me if I do not make a real stand through free will as self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect going to work and being in environments where I am forced to deal with my physical expression in the act of tasks and work to be enough to realive me of this expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use work as an excuse where I expect my grogginess to eventually be overcome by discipline as going to work and pushing through the experiences of resistance as grogginess.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the one who creates grogginess by resisting what must be done as putting roadblocks in my own path.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize pushing through the resistance is not enough because I am not realizing myself as the source cause of the resistance, so I'm just pushing away what I have created without coming to understand how and why and where.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create grogginess when I hold onto the reaction of resistance to taking form as action in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become groggy because I am creating myself as someone who would like to watch TV and Internet and stay in bed as long as I like, but my current state does not permit that activity in anyway except for small alloted amounts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I cannot simply change what I have designed as taking new actions of discipline and work and structure and expect my old patterns to just fall away all at once.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize structure, discipline, and work is just one part of what I must give to myself to overcome being groggy, but also must learn constancy where I do not let my actions be influenced even a little by grogginess, and realize how I manifest grogginess even when I am doing what I am suppose to be doing but it still must be walked out in time.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as taking action to the best of my ability without being influenced by how I feel and what it makes me feel like doing when and as I see myself wanting to take a easier less discipline course of action when I feel groggy and not up to the task at hand for whatever reason.

I commit myself to take this step in this moment, as the first step of facing my internal apathy as desire to give up let go and give in, where I sit down and write out of no obligation but to myself, where I am even writing outside of my normal time frame structure, as a means of taking action for myself as in writing this out, I already took the first step in writing despite not feeling like doing so.

So structure, work, and discipline as making money and work and structuring what I can as the rest of my time to write, and managing still an alloted amount of time for other activities is the best path for me right now I am realizing, but there still is and will be everything in-between, that will really make or break me when I hit that crossroad, today it was dealing with some plethora of things that come out of nowhere, but it is how I have faced these things that is afflicting how I will continue to move and navigate moving forward, so I must not judge myself right now, but understand how my reality is unfolding, and understand I have the pieces, but am still required to put them all together as sticking with the decisions I make to budget my time so I reach the point where my actions are my own, and not influenced by for this day the feeling of being off, and not finding the will to make more of myself within my current expression.

I need to emphasize this point more for myself.

Because right now, I have the ability to form relationships spontaneously with people, I have my newly developing work ethic, my writing, my jobs, my family, the money I am learning how to budget, gain, and manage, 2 different homes that I have between where I am currently paying rent, and where my mom has a home that is down the road that she says I am always welcome to, I have my passion, my ambition, my ability to balance my time to make sure I am completing the task, chores, and homework as writing that I demand of myself as self responsibility, I live in a safe place, in a safe country, and I know about the world and politics and am actively seeking to better myself and my understanding of reality...

So I have the pieces.

I have what I need to make a better life for myself, and to share that with others as and for myself as equally.

So with all of this, all of that said, it's funny how I just focus on the worst possible outcomes, don't consider all the pieces, just seeing the ones that I cannot quite place into the puzzle, and so it is in these lost pieces that I give up and give in and am apathetic and begin to feeling groggy.

So the pieces are all there, but it is selfishness, that I have it all, but still refuse to make sense of it, to make it work, to do what I can, in all ways.

So I cannot accept that I ever wake up or go to bed feeling groggy and needing either sleep to sleep it off, or coffee to wake up and get going, I cannot accept myself holding onto this experience.

It's a long road, but I want to enjoy it. Alone but together, separate but equal.

I want to live. I commit myself to live.

Day 64- Occupied vs Self Occupied.

I don't identify as someone who get's bored.

But as I have begun writing out my relationship to the Internet and entertainment and to my own mind, I can see, that I am always preoccupied mentally, somewhere some how.

If I am in a situation where im spending time with someone, at work, at school, outside, I find a way to mentally occupy myself, and when I'm at home, I'm on the internet so that keeps me occupied.

I am an occupied territory.

I have invaded myself, and am under total lock down, so I'm not bored, I'm too busy surviving myself one way or another.

Within the Desteni vocabulary, I have learnt about, honest vs Self honesty, awareness vs Self awareness, forgiveness vs Self forgiveness.

So I'm thinking, right now, I wake up and go to bed, and everything in-between is occupied, even my sleep is occupied by dreams.

I'm not self occupying, I'm occupying my mind, my experience.

One thing that I notice is when I'm listening to a song and start to feel an expression or emotion arise within me, and I try to almost push myself out of my body and let the feeling in response to the song take over an drive me in that moment.

So where else am I occupied. Within the expression of work, the flow the pattern the interactions with coworkers and with the physical feeling in my body. Sometimes I have gotten so occupied by all the experiences at work, that I have a shock like, 'I feel like I just woke up', or like 'where am I? What am I doing?' Where I am so much occupied by all the experiences at work, that no of course I'm not bored, but I'm certainly preoccupied, and not here in the work.

One more example, I think about times I have gone for a walk or a hike. And it's like I take it all in, but take it all in as a mental experience, where I let this environment and my mind merge and let it sweep over me, where maybe for a moment or so I'm really just in my body walking hiking, but the rest is constant ebbs and flows of conscience experiences, maybe I have a spiritual moment, or a day dream, a thought, and so hiking and walking just becomes a way to be out in the open wilderness where I can let my mind be wild and free.

It seems like a far fetched idea, that my mind is just utilizing my environment to express itself in a different way, but makes sense, when I'm at work, I feel different, not because I'm working vs sleeping, but because 'I as consciousness am at work now'

And so that becomes the basis for my mental occupation.

Right now I'm at home, not even that I physically am in a certain place, but that my mind is currently expressing itself as someone who is at home.

An interesting example is actually games, movies, TV. Where I might feel scared by a horror movie, but in reality I'm totally safe and secure in my house with my dog and the doors locked, but I'm not self occupied within my environment, I'm mentally occupied within this movie, so am occupied by fear of monsters and ghouls and demons and ghosts in this horror movie.

Cool to flush out a new concept for myself, occupation vs, self occupation.

To be here, look, see, smell, feel, move, interact as self occupation.

Or experience, react, feel, emote, dream as occupation, as being pre-occupied by the past as programs.

So, where I start here, is how this relates to a point within me, that occupies me a lot I would imagine.

I am afraid of the idea of just being here.

This will be a big step for me, and is a cool reference for my progress, where the sheer thought of just being here in silence nothing moving as mind systems and constructs ect. Is something I have subverted in just keeping writing, keep pushing myself in my life, to come back to the Desteni community and to self forgiveness and self honesty to realize my mind as it stands in no way is supporting me for real.

I'm afraid of being in silence, without being occupied a
nd just self occupying.

Afraid to just listen to a song and not feel and experiences and be moved.

Yet, what really deep down drives me forward at this junction, is knowing or at least being able to precieve that what I'm doing as writing and self forgiveness is what's best for me, and that means to be self occupying self, occupying the space I exist within. I'm pushing forward but the fear is still holding onto the idea of living a fantasy world separate from what's here.

This is even scarier than a ghost or goblin in one of the horror movies I mentioned, to face my real fear, my real existential fear.

At least in the horror movies I'm mentally occupied by the fear, so don't have to face the fear for real in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being self occupied where my mind is not moving me as energy and experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear commiting myself to self occupation will mean I will be giving up on my dream world and forced to self actualize my reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of just being here without my mind's backchat and drama and agenda.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of being here, when in reality I don't even know what just being here and just knowing and just acting out what's best is really like.

I fear the idea of being here, even though it's just a fictional idea that I have never self actualized, because I fear having to give up every last strand of indignity I have formed as my relationship to the system as the system within myself.

So the ultimatum, either stay a system in just even one little way and I'm still and only ever was a system, but give everything back to myself, and I live.

Like being buried with treasure when you die, trying to take just one thing out of the psychical and with you in death, but the body rots and the gold or treasure remains where it was.

The physical world is waiting for me to come back, to totally come back, no stone unturned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the idea of totally giving myself to self occupation because I fear not being able to call it off whenever I want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize if I can call it off and am still holding on just a little, than I was never really here and all I was calling off was my own mind.

So what is really going on here?

I fear the process, because I cannot just be 'here', but I can infact walk 'there', as 'here'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being here as something of a possession which will just occur out of nowhere, and within this allow myself to fear the idea I have created of being here, without ever having tested that definition thoroughly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make false claims and false definitions of what my process really is and really represents because I don't want to face the long road ahead.

Where if process can just end, and I'm suddenly self actualized without ever having done anything, that's the idea and definition I have created, and fear my very own creation, as I realize how my actual actions for real and the direction I have taken my life has been based on a fiction, a farce, a fallacy, a fabrication. I've not walked out anything for real, only created mountains of ideas and definitions. What's the saying go about mountains and molehills? Don't make a mole hill into a mountain? 'He makes mountains out of molehills'

I fear being here, because I fear walking the process to getting 'here'.

I fear that life is a process in itself, and has ups and downs, and good times, and bad times, and sometimes I wish I could just be here unmoved, and sometimes I with I could be occupied, because that would be an easier way to not face what is here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being here and being unmoved means not having to face what is here, when it is in fact the opposite, as to face what is here within all dimensions, in all ways including the mind.

My mind cannot stretch long or far enough to encompass what is required of me to be here, and must be shed.

I must shed occupation, and reassert myself as self occupation.

I'm always occupied,

So, I commit myself to taking another step for myself, as seeing what I need to support myself, facing self forgiveness and self honesty and reasserting myself, as taking the following step,

I commit myself to always push for self occupation.

I commit myself to always realize who I am here as occupying myself as breathe as the body, to firstly override the temporary replacement system of life as the mind, and later facing in self honesty and self forgiveness why life was preoccupied with a programmed system in the first place.

Day 63- Thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not understanding how to navigate my world without thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear if I do not plot out my intentions and who I am and what I am doing as thinking that I will not be able to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I am capable of directing myself within my world without constant thoughts in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that there is nothing else allowing myself to navigate my world and make decesions and plans without thinking as ploting out what I will do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live within a dependency on thinking where I do not allow myself to have better structure and self affirmation by being able to plot out my life and my activites and decesions without thinking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have considered other ways of moving myself and making plans and decesions without voices in my head.

Who am I as needing to think?

I'm in danger if I don't think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I will not be able to handle difficult situations if I do not think.

I cannot function if I do not think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot function within the current system if I do not consantly carve out a path for myself as thinking.

I can't make decesions and navigate my world if I do not think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I cannot navigate my world and make decesions without thinking.

So, what I'm realizing is that like dreams or thoughts or reactions, or anything, I don't just stop them all at once, I take back little pieces for myself, bit by bit.

So, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop thinking all together because I blame thinking for not allowing me to see clearly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame thinking for imparing my ability to fludily and naturally navigate my life when I am the one who created my internal perceptions and behaviour as consceinceness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such dangerous and unpredictable systems within myself that I feel I must think to balance them out, because if I don't think I just automatically play out the systems within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically play out systems within myself in interaction and behaviour automatically and without self honesty as a decesion for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ok to automatically act on the systems of interaction and behaviour I have learnt because I'm a good person who could do no wrong.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the systems within myself without question because I believe it is justified because I believe I am good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe whatever my agenda is within my behaviour and actions it is good, because I believe I'm good.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize believing I am good is an excuse to not question my decesions and actions.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself within the best of my abilities, not based on ego and agenda, when and as I see myself automatically playing out systems of agenda as words, deeds, and behaviours.

And I commit myself to realize better ways of acting and behaving within my world as self honesty and self forgiveness.

Day 62- Accepting Myself in Relationship to the Hand I'm Dealt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create so much in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create so much experience within myself that I cannot keep track of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and structure so many thoughts and visions and experiences that I cannot manage it all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to both create more than I can carry and not carry what I have created.

So I have too much in my head, but it's too late now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like a victim to all the thoughts and patterns and experiences I have created in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with frustration, because it's not 'fair'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe it's not fair my mind overwhelms me with all these things, when it's in fact my own manifestation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face that my mind is my own manifestation when I am frantic and upset, but then, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give extra attention and recognition to how great my mind is when I utilize it to have fun, and be creative and enjoy myself within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mind when it's against me, but love it when I feel like I'm on top of everything and am ok.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to box myself into this prism of take and reject with my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this personality of taking when it's good but rejecting when it's bad, without seeing how the two are interrelated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hustle within myself as my mind, where I want to have all the good and none of the bad, when the two are interconnected and will be balanced out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mind to be able to give me what I want and not what I do not, without realizing myself as the source of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see who I am as the manifestation of this reality, and in that not recognizing that when my mind is playing against me, it's me playing against myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other's as being the source of my bad or negative experience within my mind, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take any part of my mind construct back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my circumstances.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my circumstances as the things that I may or may not have directed within my world and experience, instead of realizing there is no where to hide.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide away certain parts of my mind in other people, in god, in the spirit, in relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize, if I do not stand for what is best, bad cards will be dealt and good cards will be dealt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on the belief that if my hand of cards is good, then I will be fine, but if not, then my mind and body will be in ruins.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take all responsibility in making a good life for myself, while still realizing what goes wrong and what I cannot help, does not excuse me to give into my mind of self destruction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when things become hectic and overwhelming out of blame of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face my relationship within myself towards any given situation and within this not see myself as the one manifesting my experience, and defining who I am and how I will act in certain scenarios.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept my circumstances for good and for bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be able to simply conceptualize for myself that, some things will be, maybe I had to do with it directly, maybe not, but regardless, it is for me to move myself in my world, and within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to over complicate the simple structure of self responsibility, as I realize self responsibility means doing my best to do best for myself as one and equal to other's in all ways mind and world.

When and as I see myself blaming my current circumstances for the state of my being within my mind and body, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization that I am the creator of my own reality within my mind, and must face what comes in my life with strides, and what I cannot help, I cannot, but I must act for real, to reassert a better world for myself and other's, because just stopping my relationship is not enough, without reasserting myself in all ways.

For me, I think this is what it's all about.

Example:

I'm mad at my brother, right.

So I created the being mad when he does this.

Because it makes me have to do more chores when he does not do his.

So I'm mad because I feel victimized for having to do more chores because of his actions.

Take all that back, and what's left, the chore must be done, or maybe a different approach is possible, I figure it out to the best of my abilities and optimization, and take action.

That's it, that's life, maybe the chore was growing the crops, and I live on a farm with just me and my brother, and if the crops aren't grown neither of us eat.

Take back the dirt and rot of being mad and blaming, clean the slate through self forgiveness, reassert what is best.

Then we get to eat, and probably be quite happy living together, and then we die, but what we lived, was lived, maybe we shared our life with other's and they learned from us in how to just act, just figure things out, maybe not.

Interesting.

Life is interconnected through oneness and equality.

If I live alone with no contact to anyone, but myself, maybe on another planet, and what I do will never directly affect anyone since I never contact or speak with anyone.

I still must take my world back to myself, because I on my planet, was all there ever was.

I must live as the best I can for and as myself, so I can have a good life, and if I was the only person to ever exist, than that's what life was.

I lived, so I did what was best for myself as life.

Maybe it's more than life, it's the physical, I did the best for myself, in relationship to what is here.

That stands for itself.

That's the physical.

A perfect system, based on mathematics.

That's who I am.

Now I just need to direct myself in the best way, in all ways, as I redefine my relationship to my mind, as my relationship to everything within myself, to be one and equal with what's here.

Why? Self responsibility is inevitable, and I do not want myself or anyone else to suffer the hard had of consequences.

Got it, simple enough, covers all the important bases,

problem is, I as what I have created, has ulterior objectives and agendas.

How did that happen?

It doesn't make sense.

Consciences is a weed killer.

I'm killing myself because I cannot stand for life.

What that comes down to is...

Something somewhere somehow down the line, for life to be, it had to be able to exist in it's current format on earth, and earth has earthquakes, tornado's, tsunamis, and sometimes if you live in the desert, or in Antarctica, you might not have food, so the mind is to survive on earth.

HEY EVERYONE, WE HAVE THE MEANS TO LIVE GOOD LIVES NOW, YOU CAN TURN YOUR MIND OFF, SELF FORGIVENESS, REASSERT SELF COMMITMENT TO LIFE. WE'RE HERE, WE CAN ALL HAVE ENOUGH.

Now we just have to survive ourselves... Interesting.

Day 61- Try Again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I will inheritly succeed if I try again at a task or goal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the act of trying again will result in real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being determined to reach my goal will suffice when no self honesty and introspection is applied in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can reach my goals through repeatedly applying myself without questioning why I have fallen and am trying again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I try something I failed at again and try it again the same way I did the first time, I'm expecting results, but am not as I have not been asking myself why did I fall and why am I trying again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect different results when I try the same thing the same way I did the first time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn when I say to myself 'I know I can do this'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to take a step back and reacess a situation before trying to assert myself into it again.

My best example is where in my life I'm trying to form a dating relationship, and I haven't developed any serious relationship yet, but I do talk to a lot of different girls though work, dating sites, ect.

What always comes to my mind is this 'girl is the one', but the relationship does not pan out the way I had prescribed it to within myself, and so I try again.

Never questioning why I always believed this time will be it, yet it never has been.

It seems like what I can practically do to support myself is not to keep trying over and over again always thinking this is the one.

But to try again, with a fresh perspective, to try again, after reacessing the situation before jumping back in, thinking eventually she really will be the one for me.

I have to wonder how I come across to women always portraying myself as needing and requiring them to be the one for me, it sounds like too much pressure.

It's just a simple little point that I can take back for myself.

I see how I view myself, like I'm great, so she's mistaken in not putting more effort or being more interested in me.

These are things I can take back to myself.

Yet, instead I just hustle, like try to approach women a different way, try to appear more attractive.

Could I instead stand on principle, as just being myself, and working with who I am, instead of trying to woo, or impress women with fabricated words and character.

That's what I would rather to just be myself, and work on myself, and if someone appreciated that, then maybe that would be a good basis for a connection.

Simple things like that, instead of just jumping back into the midst of things, praying this time I'll succeed, questioning everything allows me a totally different format.

For example work can be very difficult, and instead of just going into work the next day hoping this time things will play out different, I could radically change my goals, like what if I just went back to college instead? To get a degree for a higher paying position that was not as physically demanding?

I can do that because I have the financial capacity to do so, but that's just a personal example of rethinking, before trying again.

Putting less emphasis on try try again, and more on questioning who I am within what I do, and why I'm doing it, ect.

So I switch from 'I have to go back and try again' which is for me frightening and stressful, like I have to do this, but I don't know how.

To, 'how will I do this?'

Intresting.

I commit myself to express myself as acting on 'how will I do this', instead of expressing myself as 'one way or another I will do this'.

Because when I say one way or another I will do this, my intention is to charge back in, mean it I flounder struggle or suffer, and that's the results I get, and sometimes it works.

But in asking how will I do this? I have myself time to prepare, to premeditate, to preposition myself, to write it out, to question, to reassess.

There's no need to rush back into the heat of thing, when I can sit back and turn the flames down.

So I will still try try again, but I will approach it with question, inquires, and postulation.

Because it inheritly appears better in most cases where self honest introspection can be applied.

'Try again tomorrow.'

But if I don't think, and question, and reapply, tomorrow has nothing to offer me, if I do not offer myself some reformating, some reacessing.

It's funny how it almost makes too much sense, but I see how it can be a double edged sword.

Because sometimes situation might require me to just charge back in, no holds barred.

It's a balancing act, sometimes I do need to just try again, and get some hands on expiernece, but once I see myself not gaining traction, it becomes counter intuitive to rush back into a situation that I had just fallen within.

Sometimes you act and sometimes you question.

So for me, it's about balance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place more value on acting, than I do on taking back and questioning.

Day 60- Mind of Control

I like writing out existential day-to-day things. Stress, fear, and anxiety are the kinds of things I would see myself as wanting to write out. Simple, in how relatable those points are, and in allowing me to work and function with better ease.

I write out things that I think will help in pertaining to work, but here I want to take a step back, and recognize whatever I write out, will support me in all facets of my life, in whatever aspect which may occur.

So I don't need to so much constantly tackle my direct existential problems, like stress, and anxiety, and realize in taking self responsibility for anything, I am taking on self responsibility for me, allowing me to navigate better in all facets of my life, and interpersonal relationships.

So I sit back and I think, how do I want to tend to the weeds? What do I want to trim down.

Control.

I postulate, predict, prepare, presume, and pre-meditate.

And secretly, I really think it 'works'.

Like I can just walk into a situation with all outcomes covered.

Like I've already been there before it's happened.

Even if I could 'control' what happens between me and another person, what is there to gain?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the need to control who I am within my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to in these moments not see, I am trying to manifest a certain outcome between my relationships with myself and others, but in that never take it back to myself, and ask, what am I doing here?

That throws me off, like, I know this is what I want... But why?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so stubborn in my need to create certain outcomes in my world, that I don't allow myself to flow naturally as to see where I stand outside of my identity of what I want to create.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my world, because I fear being hurt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the oppritunity to be hurt within myself emotionally and mentally, when things don't play out the way I intended.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize in trying to control my world in not being hurt as ego/emotion, I didn't stop getting hurt, I just changed it so that when I make a mistake and get hurt, it was because I screwed up in my approach.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for doing something wrong, when I get hurt mentally, instead of taking back to myself, like, why do I not see that I am the one hurting myself? Why am I evading self honesty, in favor of unreachable goals, as trying to just have total control.

It sounds on the surface like some kind of relationship gone wrong and 'I got hurt', and then was stoic and cold and tried to control everything after that day.

But I do not see that, and have no outstanding memory that would really justify such behavior.

It's not so hard to see it from the other side, not a defensive mechanism, but a means for things to work out in my self interest.

There's the resistance. When I unveil something and know it's a revelation, because I do not want to talk about any longer.

Self honesty then resistance, garnered through, self forgiveness.

That might just be it then.

Self flagellation. 'I can have more, and why should I?'

I want everything to work out in my favor, always, and without question. No loose ends, no mistakes. What a work out in self righteousness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to come to terms with my mistakes because I want to control who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to be above mistakes, instead of equal to them, as accepting them and learning in self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give power to my mistakes in saying this is not who I am, and in trying to control everything within myself my mistakes and flaws only seem bigger than what they are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to fix what is 'wrong', through means of control, without ever asking myself why it is wrong, and why I need to control it.

What else can I say? I need to 'control' what comes next, I need to know the perfect way forward, the best way to proceed.

But I don't know what it is, there is none, it's fabricated.

I try to control every fiber within my exsistance.

How to proceed...

Simple... I commit myself to stop trying to control my reality, and instead discover what is actually made of, outside of my manifestations of control.

I commit myself to realize who I am as control, and who I am here, as able to make decisions, that exemplify what is best.

I commit myself to realize what it is I am trying to control, so I can realize for myself, what is better off unscathed by the mind.