Day 53- Under the Skin

I hold everything beneath my flesh. I can feel it.

I can feel my thoughts, emotions, reactions tearing my flesh apart.

I bury everything.

It hurts, I can feel everything I am holding onto.

You could say it's just sore from work, just sore from a long day.

The 'long day' is right, a long day of me building up so much within me, to no release.

This is my release, this is me digging up what I have buried.

Lost but not forgotten, not forgiven.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bury things within me even though they do not leave me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to control my experience through suppressing that which I do not want in my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bury deeper when I have seen that suppression is not real change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to force myself to go through this breaking point where it's like my skin is just breaking down and I cannot carry these experiences within me any longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that it's too late and I can no longer control my experience.

Control my experience, I fear I cannot control my experience in life, I fear I cannot control it through suppression. I know I cannot, so what do I really fear?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to control my expression through suppression any longer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear, that the very systems I have been functioning as within me will not stand for life in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my systems as suppression will not stand, when there is nothing to fear, I simply know it is true and must act.

To act, I suppress, I don't act, I circumvent, avoid, decive, con, manipulate.

Not good not bad, it's what I do to myself. It's a form of suppression to not face myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face myself through suppression as suppressing what I need to face and dancing around my problems.

I bury my own point.

Yes I see myself opening things up, but I allow myself to wiggle hear and there, never staying stead hearted. Never really getting to the point, just dancing around on the surface, biding my time, suppressing.

Expressing myself as a form of suppression.

Dancing around the point, like 'I tried', I did 'something'.

I'll get there in time, but what consequence awaits me until then? I bury everything and I am now carrying the weight as my process, my commitment to myself.

But it still hurts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself within suppressing the things I need to face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think everything would work out for me, if I could just get past this one point, this one feeling.

I did get past, I'm getting past right now, everything I am is from the past. It's all I am.

I commit myself to assert myself as facing what I need to without suppression.

I commit myself to within my breathing identify and unearth the expression of suppression within me and how it is manifesting as mind and body.

I demand that my body brings my suppression to the surface, to find within this some release, not real change, just movement. I demand my mind does not suppression but instead resonates brings out and shows me what is lying beneath.

I commit myself to real change, as self forgiveness self commitment, self honesty.

But I challenge myself, as being spry, being limber, being able to navigate my world in creative and interesting ways, because I trust myself, and because I know the difference between real change and
movement of energy, and I know what must be faced for real as all points, but to give to myself a new outlook, "another way for gnomes to say hurray" - Pink Floyd

The point being to give to myself a new way to navigate without suppression, without trying to be perfect and suppressing anything that says other wise, to express something new, something different, to 'let it out', because the point must be taken back one way or another, a different path to the same place, 'a new way to say huuurraaaayyyy'.

My commitment is to take all points back within self forgiveness and self commitment, but how I navigate my self and my world in-between the points I might take on in a single day, is just as paramount. An example being something I said to a friend of mine about how if you were about to drive off a cliff, you wouldn't say I hadn't written out driving off cliffs for myself, you would just act, you would just know.