So I don't pay much attention to writing out love, only to come and realize, just how much the very concept of love has invaded many aspects of my life, and is very much needing my attention within self forgiveness.
I was writing out my relationship to a game I like to play online, and I say out-loud to myself something like "I love that game", where I was taken aback like why would I question my relationship to this game, when I love this game, like love is unquestionable.
Right now, to have no partner, no game, as I am not playing this "game I love", I'm just writing, no snacks as food to 'love', it's just me here writing, and what I am now in this moment realizing, as I am laying down writing, is that I love this pillow, I love the way my head feels against this pillow.
In this moment, of writing for myself, where if anything just because I am breathing and focusing on my writing if not just for this moment my mind is mostly quiet for me, I am not sad, or happy, I'm just content, and here, yet, the one point of detachment from this moment comes where I least expected it, I'm writing here, but secretly just for myself, as I bring this secret into the light, I am in love with this pillow, and with this couch, and with this blanket I am smothered myself within as I am writing here.
I am smothered in love.
I will continue to write here, surrounded by my blankets, couch, and pillow, but what I am realizing here is that, love, the point I thought only mattered to people in relationships, and me being not in a relationship now or recently, or having ever tried to establish a serious relationship for myself at any point, am coming to realize that love is not just pertaining to relationships.
I remember when I was trying spirituality, I had a meditation in a quiet room and I began to see all kinds of lights and colors and had experience of bliss, and I left the room smiling feeling 'in love with everything'.
I disassociate myself with love, only to find it could possibly be one of the most infiltrating elements within my life, almost explaining my lack of enthusiasm of seeking a relationship in my life, why seek love in another person, when I'm already 'in love with everything', why have I spent so much time playing video games 'I love video games', why did I put so little effort into my school work, 'I hate school'.
I lay out my line catch a point within me which moves me as mind energy, and I catch the biggest fish of all, love and hate, ying and yang, black and white, right and wrong.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the love of anything I enjoy, as within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold that which I simply enjoy within me as the construct of love, as constricting and being sure I hold onto that which I enjoy for as long as possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to control as put as much time and effort into that which I love as in reality really that which I simply enjoy, and within this not considering my actual relationship to said thing.
Like this pillow, I enjoy it cool, but eventually I must leave it, but even the thought of that now makes me shudder.
As I am brought back to the point of sleep, in how much I realize when I say, 'I love sleep', it is not in jest or to be taken lightly, as I realize now, it is a vehement, violent, viscous love.
I realize it is the same caliber I would say, "I love my wife, till death do us part", as I would say "I love my bed, till death do us part".
Same with cigarette's, certain shows and movies, I establish within myself that I enjoy something, and I then go 10 miles further in total devotion without question and beyond reason.
'I loved that movie', 'It was the best movie ever'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take things I enjoy to a radical extreme within love, as within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become obsessed with the things I enjoy to the point of abuse.
I see as well, how sleep is something that is very consistent for me, and within this it has become easy for love to become a part of the relationship, as creating feelings and attachment's uncalled for in relationship to sleep as a means of influencing myself to not just enjoy the point of sleep, but creating an addictive mental relationship to it based on feelings and emotions revolving around sleeping.
Why would I do this, take something I enjoy, and ruin it, as addiction.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create love to try to control my reality as only revolving around things I enjoy, because I have defined who I am as needing the comfort of that which I enjoy.
I look back to an early memory of the first day in kindergarten and being upset, because I did not want to be there, I hated it.
I only have available to me 1 year before that as pre-school in terms of memory, but even in my first memory, I remember extreme hate.
I knew what I enjoyed, and what I did not enjoy, and what made me comfortable and what did not, so well within myself, that in my very first memory I have been able to recall for a long time, was of me acting on hate as knowing what I did not enjoy and acting out violently against it.
I do not have a memory of a time when my life was not influenced by love and hate, where I was not moved in total self interest, and within this, I wish I could remember further back, but I must work within the constraints I have created as the memories I have available.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear looking past my self interest as ego, as considering other human beings as one and equal, instead of seeing only my relationship to the world within the lens of love and hate, where I love this person for being successful and famous for being born with money, but hate this person for being violent for not having any money or education and not knowing better.
I love money, I love that I have money, yet I believe that I hate that people in most places do not have sufficient money, how can I love that I have, and hate that other's don't?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love money when it is in my self interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate money when it is not in my self interest as ego to recognize that for me to have other's must lose.
I realize hate and love as one and the same within needing each other to exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the things I enjoy, as saying 'I need this'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize when I allow my words and actions to attach me to the things I enjoy I create the system of love as influencing me to never let go of that point or thing which I enjoy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit how I am able to move and direct myself within my world as needing to form the attachment of love before I can navigate and direct myself to my full potential.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have given to myself no direction in my life and development, to the point that I have found the pinnacle of my exsistance as holding onto things I like within love in an attempt to carry said things with me for all of time.
I commit myself to re-assert my relationship to things I enjoy, to the point of sincerity, where I realize I truly enjoy something in the moment, but am directing myself to not form attachments to said thing, as sincerely ejoyiong something within interaction within a moment, yet being able to let go as I move forward with the next event or chapter I must face always being able to direct myself to not form attachments as love and hate.
I commit myself to breathe when and as I see myself attaching myself to something within the architecture of my mind, and to let go, as allowing myself to move forward and make the decisions I need to make for myself uncolouded by my false purpose as love and hate and to remember, I must continue to write myself out, because 'love will always find a way'..., If I do not stand as the directive principle of life.
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