Day 69- Character Assassination

I am an assassin, an assassin of character. I'm very busy fighting my own character, and the character of others in my mind. Always trying to get the last laugh, the final blow. I fight characters within judgement, because it is all I am, and so all I can see in others.

I exist within total judgement of myself and others.

I cannot see life in anyone, because I cannot see it in myself.

I'm trying to kill the character that stands between me and myself as life, without self honesty, without self forgiveness. So the consequence, is that the fight within myself, only gets worse.

This needs to be forgiven, some part of this hate within myself, as my ego, needs to be slowed down, and taken down at least a notch for right now.

I need to see with real eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value the character as ego as self interest, more than I do value and integrity as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my character is right, and it is that of others that are wrong and needing to be taken down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved and influenced by my own character, where I have judged my character as unquestionable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have built upon this foundation of judgement for so long, that I cannot trust who I am anymore.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the character of mental energy and experience, where the decisions and actions I make as this character of myself, cannot be trusted to live and act for and as life.

So, one thing I'm learning about self forgiveness, is that it is the opposite of a quick fix, and in fact, will make things worse.

I'm breaking down judgement and character, broadly, because it is the only way I can see and understand it, only that it exist within me, next what I could predict to happen, is that my judgement will become more pro dominant, become louder, become more obvious and disturbing.

Because that is what it will take for me to see, what I've done in depth and detail.

To take it down a notch, until one day, it's no more than a thought, that only requires a single breathe to stop and forgive.

I've judged so much to the point that I'm in constant conflict with comparison, judgement, with my own character in relationship to myself and others.

So, yeah I can't see Jack shit. I'm fighting phantoms basically. Fighting myself.

But what do I know?

I know it's wrong, I know it's in my mind, I know it does not reflect what is best for me as equal to others, I know it must be faced, to reach equilibrium, not as fairness and justice, which is another character entity, but as oneness.

Here's one, now that I'm giving myself some breathing room through my initial self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as annoying characters for annoying me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not face the construct of annoyance within myself, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a character who does not want to be disturbed, because I refuse to be self honest and self forgive myself when I have been annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the conflict within myself when I a character of annoyable, meets a character of annoyance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take annoyance back to myself because through label, judgement, and character definition, I truly see myself as being annoyed by another as my personality, unable to see myself within this participation through my use of words and perception and behavior.

So, I must both, forgive myself of allowing myself to be annoyed, as well as defining others as the reason I become annoyed out of blame.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define others as annoying, out of blame.

I commit myself, to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself labeling another's character as annoyance, as I see, realize, and understand this is a reflex, to not see myself as the cause of my own annoyance, where I see myself as not deserving to be annoyed, the character of being above deserving to be annoyed, and subsequently, finding myself very easily annoyed.

Characters are ironic.

I commit myself to become the assassin of character, through self honesty, and self forgiveness, apposed to my current state of spite and hate, as dishonesty and neglect towards myself, as realizing myself as the character from which I can see the character of others.