Day 70- Taking a Hit

I hit myself.

I'm an abuser. I hit myself all the time. In my mind when I'm thinking, when I'm reacting, when I'm existing as fear.

Forgetting the system, other people, and just taking a stand within my own relationship to myself, I am my only problem.

I keep hitting myself with more consequence and more struggle and more problems.

The I complain about how hard it is, to deal with myself.

Complain about what I have done to myself.

I'm going to be taking a lot of punches, everything I can throw at myself I will, Murphy's law, if I can find a way to make things more difficult for myself I will act upon it, automatically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing that one way or another I will make things more difficult than they need to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to prepare for the hit of conflict within my mind, by trying to out think and predict the situation, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and act upon the illusion that I am not the soul creator of my own conflict and consequences within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always be on edge, out of preparation and anticipation for the next hit as the next conflict I will imagine and bring about for myself based on my environment or my mind as predicting where and who I will be in the future and all the problems that I will come about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect myself as restricting my ability to be here, and be content within myself, when I place myself within anticipation out of fear of what problems will arise next.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subservient to myself as my mind of inciting conflict and problems within myself which stand in my way of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prey upon myself as conflict with the expectation of it one day making me stronger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop myself as becoming stronger as surviving as a mind, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make myself stronger as giving myself to life as myself as one and equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prepare myself for conflict instead of just taking the point of conflict back to myself, as hitting myself with self honesty, and taking that hit with self forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others are the source of my conflict.

Wow, that's a big deal.

I understand the concept, but I have I ever lived it?

My writing is over a long period of time, and in a lot of different places and mediums, but in all of what I've written, have I ever forgiven myself for blaming others for my problems, for my difficulties, and actually began living it for myself as realizing myself as my only problem?

Ground breaking material.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for my own internal repercussions and conflicts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate interaction with others out of reaction to seeing someone, or planning to see someone, or just knowing they will be in the same place as I, because I with all my heart, totally sincerely blame my problems on others.

Very interesting new perspective.

How do I avoid a verbal or physical conflict, while still realizing myself as the instigator of my own standing within relationship to another.

Could someone walk up and literally hit me in the face, and I still be able to deal with the pain, without blame. Realizing the pain as my own, even if the actions resulting in the pain were not.

A little philosophical, but when being self forgiveness and self honesty as the outline, as the core, totally justified.

It's a what if? What if this happens? What if that happens? What if the sky falls?

Anyone who has ever heard of the 'knock out game', know that in this world even in the most 'civilized' of countries, there is no 'real' civility anywhere, any time.

So, what I think to myself, of course I'm going to react, that's justified, that's my right. This idea of they struck first.

That boundary in my mind, where I know at any moment I'll totally give up everything I've tried to stand for.

It's hard to deal with annoyance, and anger, when I know there's always seeing to be a point where I know of course I'd fall into blame and reaction, of course I would justify my actions within myself.

I over heard a gentleman speaking about some drunk kids who were hassling him on his property, and how he treated their lives with implying he would pull his 45 on them, ect, ect, and I don't have guns or knives, and that's probably, definitely, for the best, for myself, because I'm not any different from this man threatening those drunk kids, I'm ready to blame anyone for anything within me, even when I try not to, I know where my line still remains, waiting to be crossed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define an uncrossable line within myself where I will indefinitely blame and resent and abolish any self forgiveness and self honesty I have left to me in that moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deep down tolerate blame and hate at any cost, because I still believe it is justified in certain manners.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that blame as hate and anger and resentment is ever justifiable, as ever meaning anything but ignorance to self as self honesty as where self is the only creator in one's own experience.

I commit myself to find this hate and blame and anger, and to root it out, as I look forward, and look back, and look within, until I can see and live for real the actualization of myself, as realizing better than to justify hate and blame, and to know better that my conflict starts and ends with myself.

I commit myself, to stop, breathe, when and as I find a way to justify blaming others for my problems, as I realize in self honesty, I have no way to do so outside of my own creation as my mind.

Self responsibility, at all costs.

I commit myself to take the hit, because I'm the one who threw it.