Day 56- Reward/Internet Addiction

Self forgiveness is it's own reward. I'll be at work lately, my mind will be a mess, I won't feel well, and I just imagine what more I could have done the past night in writing.

I go to bed early, and sleep in late like it's a reward for a hard day at work, but it is not feeling like a reward when I have nothing to show for the next day.

I could be more self honest about what does and does not really support me, and align that with what a reward really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest about what a reward really is.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself I'm being rewarded when I give into my desire to 'crash' to 'slow down' when I want to just play games and watch videos and 'forget'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself this is a reward when the results only set me back in my progress within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set myself back, because I would rather sit back and relax, regardless of the inevitable Consequence's.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward myself with entertainment because I'm afraid to face what is heading my way as consequence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsability for myself when I see that Consequence's are forming, and decide to reward myself with 'ignorance is bliss'.

That's not a reward. I am not rewarded for laying back and 'kicking it', kicking away everything that matters to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that what is being rewarded here is my mind as energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I cannot grasp how energy reward's in entertainment as kicking back and forgetting, will never substantiate me to the degree reward as self honesty and self forgiveness is.

I'm going to go ahead and react with stubornness apparently...

So let me reassert myself here.

What I'm saying is that in self honesty this is the truth.

I already know realizing this deception in this moment is only a small degree of the mass hypnosis I have constrewed for myself within entertainment energy addiction.

So, I'm getting back to my point lately, internet/entertainment addiction.

What scares me is not being able to work more.

What scares me is that I will not read and write self forgiveness more.

I'm scared because I know I place my addiction first and foremost.

Yet, atleast I am admitting it is addiction without total repulsion, at least I am being self honest about what I am going through right now.

That's the reward, the reward for me writting out my internet addiction yesterday was not that I got to go give into it once I was finished writting, it was that today in facing myself, I can see I have garnered something, I have gained a part of myself back.

I can see more fear, more resistance, more acceptance, I've opened up more dimensions, and it is in this most difficult moment, that I must press forward.

Consequence is a reward I suppose.

I'm rewarded in seeing the outcome of my actions and decisions.

Right now, I'm where I was yesterday, exactly where I have identified myself within this blog.

When I'm done here, I want to just kick back watch some videos, relax,

I wanted to do some extra writing some extra reading tonight.

And I can see myself sitting on the fence.

The grey line, between giving in, or pushing myself just a little harder.

I don't know which to do, but that's because it is my decision for myself.

I'll be here again if not sooner than atleast at some point tomorrow, but I know that little extra push will mean everything for me.

To re Ward.

Lay my ward, my protection from consequence.

Ward my path forward.

Allow me to navigate my world.

Re aplly the ward.

To reword myself.

'I don't have the energy to continue after this blog, I have been at work 12 hours again.'

I chose how much energy I have.

I can chose to set myself up tomorrow and even in this very moment with the reward of the energy required to get to point B, point B being in this example to push myself a little harder.

Just a little.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the reward of energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have rewarded myself with the energy to do what must be done anymore because I have belittled whatever energy I have received in my life.

I say this because I look back, and I cannot even remember a time when I have woken up with energy, I cannot remember the last time I woke up feeling like 'the day is mine', 'time to do what must be done'.

In sleep I am rewarded with magnificent dreams.

I'm more fond of dreaming of something I find beyond this world, something truly profound, something I desperately would like to put into words but could never 'dream' of how I might do.

I'd rather go a day in crap, in cramps, in pain and regret, then to not be rewarded with magnificent dreams instead of rewarding myself with a good night's rest.

That will be my post for tomorrow... Dreams.

Even for today's post, I was annoyed, like I saw a point in my day, and I'm like, this would be awesome to write out, I'd really enjoy that, but instead I already decided I would write about reward today -_-

But that's the point, I can still stay up rather late regardless of how early I must get up, because I know I can go off minimal amount of sleep without any repercussions.

Why do I know this?

I was rewarded the knowelge of how much I really need to sleep, and more about my relationship to sleep, because I fucking wrote it out in self honesty.

It was a gift, to give myself more time to write, to work, to live.

The gift of life.

I squander that gift, I sleep in, go to bed early, and spend my extra time of day filing my time.

A little better then giving into the fantasy of drem world, but not by much.

So I think to myself, I say, "Matt", "what's it going to take?"

"It's going to take a little force" I anser back.

I knew exactly what I meant. I have to say, this what I'm doing.

I have to commit myself, I have to reward myself with a decision for myself, because I know I'm sitting on the fence, and I know which way I'm leaning.

I commit myself to spend two more hours, reading and writing self forgiveness after I finish this blog.

Wow, "this sucks" says my mind, yes mind it sucks for you, and it'll suck for me to if I don't follow through to the fullest extent, it'll suck an egg, for sure.. But I know in

self honesty it is the greatest gift I could give to myself right now, the greatest reward, to take charge, to be the change, the little extra push .. Fail, and I must start again, maybe even further back than I began, but that is ok too, just get there somehow.