Day 46 - Endure my Hate

Endure and you’re fine.

Endure and let go.

I am injured, but I commit myself to endure.

I commit myself to continue to injure my endureies.

Wow, do I hate, or what?

And boy, is it easy or what? To have stability within work, income, family, shouldn’t I love and share more? I hate instead.

I hate as ego, as superiority/inferiority, I love to place myself on ‘top’, and I hate to lose.

But, I endure, because I realize this hate will come back to me, as it never leaves me, it never hurt anyone else outside of how I have lived it in my actions and words.

It is I whom endure my hate, I whom endure my mind.

I hate ‘now’, as this moment where I cannot stand outside of my ego as how I have constantly and efficiently constructed my ego over time.

I realize it is my ego, as what I must endure.

There is an agreement, perhaps, where I know to where I am driving, as I see how I am reflected onto other’s as myself.

I see how when I stand one and equal to myself, I stand one and equal to all…

So, I write point by point, I cannot write out all points at all times,

So I will see my ego, every step along this path…

And I might greet my ego, as to say ‘I forgive you’, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created an identity for myself, where none was needed.

I must endure everything I have created, as slowly but surely, I take it back to myself within self forgiveness.

Do I tempt my ego? Test to see if it knows its time has come? Or discover where I will remain to fall?

Either way I endure, and here in writing I might take it back to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I ‘must!’, endure what I have created as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot take my mind on all at once, and must endure all points in-between that which I write out and that which I fall and must face once more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I ‘hate you’, as I ‘hate myself’, as I ‘hate all’, one and equally, and that this is the ego, and cannot simply be written out in a few self forgiveness statements!

Hello! By god may hell be upon you! Because I hate you.

I realize it is not to say I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘hate’

It is to realize hate is ingrained in everything I am within my mind, it is only to realize who I am is not hate, and who I am is one and equal…

I as a physical being here one and equal love you, but am not that physical being, I am, but I am not here standing with that point, I am standing far away as my mind.

I commit myself to endure this hate, because I realize it is not who I am, because I realize I will walk it out in time, as one breathe, one word, one body, equal.

This is honesty, a moment of delusion, a moment where the mind seems to dissipate just because it has been acknowledged, while secretly it build’s an army to strike back, harder than ever, with no defense possible, outside of self forgiveness, and self direction, as self commitment to stand as living the words as self forgiveness as the living word.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as I realize I cannot face my mind all at once, and must face moments of hate as ego regardless of how they manifest, when and as I see my ego in any form, as I realize I must endure, I must get to a safe place, I must get to a place where I can write, where I can speak, where I can act out self forgiveness as the living word, for and as myself, because the system does not tolerate those who speak out for life, only those who speak out for the mind as hate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘just want my ego to stop’, as within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realized that it cannot stop, because it is my mind as one and equal to my mind, and I cannot just stop my mind, so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just want my hate to stop, so I might stand as life, and I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize my hate is of my mind, and does not reflect who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that hate reflects who I am, as I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I define myself as hate, because I define myself by memory, and all memory is ingrained with hate!...

I hate to not be great, I hate to not be powerful, I hate it, but,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find very specific things to hate, as within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to channel my hate as creating a personality of hate, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my hate power through emphasis, specificity, and identity, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give hate power as influence as channeling it as personality, as I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate specific things more than others, as I realize hate is better channeled in a very specific meaningful way, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give hate power, when and as I decide for myself that I ‘hate you’, or ‘I hate this’, or ‘I hate that’.

When and as I see myself deciding for and as myself, that I hate a certain thing/place/person/anything, I stop, breathe, and direct myself within the realization that I am giving my hate the most power and influence over me possible, as directly funneling it within myself as personality, and within this I commit myself to remember at all costs, within that breathe I take, some how to realize for myself, this hate is for only me to endure, so best not place it toward another within myself, as so I may better realize only I suffer from hate.

I commit myself to realize that my mind as hate, only hurts me, and that I as myself, am the only one who can stand one and equal, and endure the hate, as I realize it is mine alone to endure when It arise, and mine alone to find a place on earth within silence, where I might forgive myself for hurting myself as one and equal.

Edit: a few seconds after writing this, and I go to publish this article on facebook, and I’m looking around for but a few moments, and I’m like I hate that, I also hate this (Not even because I just wrote out about hate and was thinking about it, just subconsciously), looking at random thin

gs, so I breathe take it back, stop, and in that moment I’m directed to the realization as I just gave to myself, as I look around a bit further… I hate everything! I as mind as ego truly, truly, my ego, the ego, as the construct of self separate from self, is built out of hate, and can only perceive as and within hate…

So, a long, funny, yet, disheartening process ahead!!!

Wouldn’t it be funny to think that I am great, or good for walking my process? When until the moment I am standing in all ways here, and directing myself as what is best for life in all ways, might I no longer hate, so I commit myself to walk my process within the realization and understanding that this is not a ‘good’ process, nor a ‘bad’ one, but to realize everything that stands between me and my goal, is my own creation, and I may not speak a single word until I get there.