The feeling when 'I just cannot'
What is the feeling of having energy?
Where does it come from? From food, water, and sleep?
Probably, but there's another type of energy, energy produced from the mind, such as emotions, feelings, experiences.
So why do I seem to derive more energy from my mind to will myself into action, and on the other end feel like 'I just cannot' sometimes?
Is it possible I'm not deriving a sufficient amount of nutrition, water, and sleep? I still don't know, so to reach that point, of being able to sufficiently function based on nutrition, water, and to a degree a little down time as sleep, I need to clear out what I have mentally put in my system as energy derived from things going well, and things going bad, being happy, or being upset, and really in that isolating a few things, and giving myself a better platform to function.
So, let me walk through the experiences of being burnt out, which is really tied to the experiences of not being burnt out, but having the energy.
So sometimes I have some form of energetic charge, and sometimes I do not, and that's when I'm burnt out.
So where do I start from there?
This up and down rollercoaster, isn't right, it's of no service to me, it's a disservice, and I cannot see what lies beneath it, and that's not right either.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give disservice to myself as riding and being ridden by energy, when I do not even know what my real relationship to real physical energy as sleep, water, nutrition really is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride this ship, of energy as mind, when I cannot even see my relationship to it, only the consequences as burnout, including the consequences of having energy, which is see
at the cost of, no longer having energy, when 'I just cannot'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to utilize energy at the cost of my well being to function in my world, when I have seen myself burnout, if not after one day, after a few days, and in this moment knowing within me, this is not how I should be living, but continue to push through, without having realized anything about myself as energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ride the wave of energy, even though I have seen the evidence that it has become something totally playing the directive role in my life, potentially in all facets.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act solely on the influence of energy because I do not know any other way to live and express myself.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to give myself another way to live and express myself within my relationship to energy as it stands.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have any other option, because I have define within myself energy as movement influence, as reward and consequence, as the only thing there is to act upon.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within this system of energy, when I see myself having a choice, and utilizing instinct, as feeling, apposed to principle and consideration of life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enforce the system of influence as energy when I seek out relationships that make me feel good, without considering what's best as a more full picture, with more dynamics being taken into consideration.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my influence of energy over myself become so prevalent that I cannot even grasp for myself how much my life is torn between the different polarities of energy.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to ground myself when I see myself being torn apart by energetic polarities.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not ground myself as centering myself here, because I cannot comprehend what that means or implies or how that is lived.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on energy because I can understand how to move it, and change it, and act on it, even though I do not really have any control in the matter, because it is a system, that I have pre-programmed, and do not fill grasp or remember just how it came about, I just know that it is.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to except my life as energy as it is, because I can neither remember how it came about, nor see any other option.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself to open myself up, and to really in self honesty consider what's going on.
It seems like, I'm utilizing energy, to survive a system I have created, even though it does not seem to take all of life into consideration, nor support me to my fullest potential, and it seems very unfortunate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have tolerated the misfortune of energy as consequence and survival within my life, where I have refused or denied to stand for integrity and principle.
Fear, it can help you survive, but is that really what is best for me? Surviving out of fear of my own misfortune, as my own consequence through my own creation.
Who am I as creating consequence through energy? Who am I as surviving not as life but as energy?
Who am I to create the system of which life must bend before?
A devil.
A devil who might refuse to stand up and say this is no quality of life, I cannot stand for this, and whom instead listens to demons, as my minions, as the voices in my head.
Maybe I have created consequences for myself as energy, which might be quite reprehensible.
Here's my opportunity, my ditch effort, to shake off my feathers, and prepare.
Consequences, this way cometh. Who am I going to be?
I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself to the best of my ability, as honor, integrity, and principle, when and as I see myself creating a life based on energy, when I see myself acting not on those traits, but instead on self interest, where as I said, I don't really know what may be coming this way, but know what my role has been, and I know what I must do, moving forward.
Good luck.
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