After Note: It's funny how, I began this blog, intending to write out a certain point, but through my self honest evaluation, through self forgiveness, have come in this blog post, to the realization having what seems to me nothing to do with what I had intended to write,
but actually having everything to do with what I had intended to write, that I in my life right now, believe in 'god', as an overseeing benevolent construct making things happen in my life, more than I did when I was a child and believed in the Catholic god, and I up to this point identified as being open and willing to take an anything is possible stand, when really, I already have been living a very firm belief in my own personal God, so what really happened, was I believed myself too special too share a god, and instead decided a special snowflake like me, must have a very special God just for me.
...
Ok, so everything is cool right now.
Everything. It's perfect...
So it's time to get going, and fast.
This is the time to prepare. The calm before the storm.
So I'm already scared after writing that, I'm like, 'yeah that's true things are calm now, so the only thing that can happen is things not being calm.' Than I think, I wonder what's going to happen, and 'I'm scared to imagine what it could be.'
I forgive self for accepting and allowing myself to think 'uhh ohh', 'that's probably true something bad will be coming up next.', and within this admitting that not only do I know I'm not living real change because I'm just having a good day, I know as indicated in my mind I'm willing to enjoy the good, but the idea of the bad whatever it might be is very scary.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that bad times are coming.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess over the bad in fear of consequences without realizing what role I have played in my life as not taking the good with the bad equally, and not realizing how to stand within the good times and the bad times within myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I deserve the good times, and not the bad times.
Forget any participation in the matter, just to say I deserve to have everything go my way, and don't deserve to have it not go my way, regardless of my participation.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to work with the mathematics that the more that is going good for me, the more likely something bad is to happen.
Why is that?
Theoretically my life could always be on the up, in an alternate reality my life might only ever get better from each moment to the next.
So, what I'm working with is the system I'm in, and in common sense everyone knows, Murphy's law, 'everything that can go wrong, will'.
So taking a step back, I'm talking real change. The world could go up in flames, but it's who I am in the relationship to that world which is what I will live and apply for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear knowing something will go wrong for me, and within this not realizing that it's who I am in relationship to things going wrong that defines how I react, respond, and interpret said events.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize how I personally define certain events and outcomes in relationship to myself affects the way I live.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have lived like I would never die for example, as partaking in risky or morally questionable activities, showing me how I only exspect good things to happen for me, regardless of who I am as creating certain outcomes for myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I cannot predict what the next big or even smaller conflict or occurrence may be in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be able to predict and control what will happen outside of myself, when in self honest I simply cannot, I can do what I can do, but the rest is out of my hands.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by an accident or some unforeseen cause.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being fired from a job, due to some mistake or fiscal purpose.
So if I don't fear these things, they certainly could still happen either way, but I fear dealing with what might happen once it is already occurred.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dealing with a conflict or an accident.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as having defined myself as not being capable of dealing with certain potential occurrences that probably will arise for myself or someone close to me even at some point in time
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my full potential as taking the good with the bad and really defining who I will be in regard to either event.
I think, this is really perplexing, I'm not getting to the meat here, certainly cutting the skin, but not really hurting that nerve that's always good to locate, and then I think, it's hard to see what's going on when you're in the thick of it, it's not just that I'm having a good time, and want to get ready for not having a good time at some point in the future, it's that I'm way into cosmic flow, things happening for a reason, and that's something I have not substantially addressed!
There's a popular guy on YouTube, I used to watch. He did a lot of video game, review, discussion, and commentary. He had a segment called WTF is: and then the title of the game. He would say that for the title, and it makes you go, yeah, I have never heard of this game, maybe it had a small production team and not a lot of publicity, so maybe you go into the review/overview having no idea wtf is that game? Just based off the title.
So WTF is cosmic flow? Also known perhaps as fate, synchronicity, destiny, meant to happen.
Yeah, meant to happen, it happend, it could not have happened, but it did happen, so it was meant to, because it did happen.
Basically cosmic flow, means something happened to me, and I believe I'm special and that this will always be what happens to me, who am I within it? Idk, who am I in response to it? A very very special snowflake, so much so that when bad things happen to me... I just 'cannot even'.
Suspending how money, family, region, and education is the foundation for the quality of life a person might have. Also suspending the still possible to me chance that certain things happen to certain people, prescribed by, something or someone out of that individuals control.
Let me answer one question, who am I as a special, very special, snowflake? And where did I go wrong?
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything happens for a reason.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everything I have ever lived was given to me by the universe.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for this deeply held idea, because I know that what it reflects is the abdication of self creation and self responsibility for said creation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that good things that happen to me happen for a reason, given to me as my destiny, but that bad things happen, just because.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see my relationship between the good and the bad, and how I want to believe I'm special and that things will always work out in my favor.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how in reality the real factor at play is money, and that I am special, in having money, at the cost of others who aren't as special, and must suffer for me to be handed the good things in life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit the amount of factors and information I have to work with in any given situation, because I perceive everything through the lens of privilege as money, as fate as the cosmic flow and synchronicity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for perceiving my situation as being more than born into the money, family, and society I am in, and believing that I am special, because all of what I have alone was not enough.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for desiring to have and be so much within my world, where what I stand and live for, does not indicate I'm anything but the problem for myself, and for the world as equal to bring made up of individuals as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within the feeling of guilt, as within this I realize what else was there? As what else could I have done given the situation, where in a sense, what's done is done, and it is now that I have the tools and the self authority to enforce them for and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty that I have not enforced who I am as life when I have lived the experiences of being heavenly gifted with things as luck and fate and 'meaning to happen'.
So, what happens when I'm playing out this construct... I get a job, 'it was meant to be', I meet people in my job, 'I was meant to meet them', I interact with them a certain way, 'I was meant to have this interaction'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see my participation as self responsibility when I enforce the perception that something was meant to happen and shouldn't be questioned.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not question why certain things happen and why I behave a certain way, because that would question the very fabric of how I live, without dignity, without considering all of life as equal, and seeing how humans have created the world through a reflection of themselves, and to blame the universe for creating the current situation on earth, is treason.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to betray everything I ever could have stood for, when I decide that it has nothing to do with me, nor even the people around me, but souly in the hands of God.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify giving God another name, as the hand of the universe bending itself before me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the repercussions of defying god, as standing as a creator.
I commit myself to stop, and breathe when and as I see myself believing something as having meant to or been destined to happen, as I realize, I do not know why things happen in self honesty, all I know is I must take back my power of self, as living what is best for all of life one and equal to myself in all ways, so that moment of perceiving something outside of myself through the lens of my mind, must be taken back in self honesty, and self forgiveness just like anything else.
I commit myself to stop, and breathe when and as I see myself fearing the potential outflows of internal and external consequences I must face in my world, as I realize consequence has always been a part of my life, I just only ever perceived the good and only ever perceived how special I was and above consequence, when in reality, I have no idea how close I have come to shattering that belief through outflows which might have never allowed me to see myself as anything other than the money in my pocket.
As I move forward from here. I have a grievance I must bring up.
If I have lived my life believing in a god as someone creating my expiernece and Destiny outside of myself, without the gravity of that even sinking in once, where is am I living the same mistake, the same lie, do I think I'm even close to knowing just how wrong I can be? I commit myself to find out just how much of my life is a lie, and then to gather up whatever is left of me under the heap of deception, and to redirect what is left of me, to stand for and as myself as life, one and equal, in the best way I possibly can.
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