Day 58- Home Work/Dicipline

I have a few things I need to do, some pertaining to work, and some for other instances. Where I have obligations outside of work. Chores are a lot like homework, or cleaning up.

Daily writing is like homework for myself.

When I think about homework/chores/managing my actives the biggest thing that comes to mind is discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not will myself to do the things that would be in my best interest, if I can find a way to weasel around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take shortcuts in the work that I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give to myself the discipline to do what is in my best interest as homework, chores, and managing activities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the energy polarity of being lazy vs being disciplined.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have realized real discipline as doing what is in my best interest without energy restriction or reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act as lazy because it does not require me to push through energy resistance and force myself within my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not view myself as having or possessing discipline because I am not willing to push through energy resistance towards things I don't want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize myself as acting on discipline, as the discipline to not do things I do not want to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define discipline as aligning discipline in way that is counter-intuitive to my best interest.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refrain from doing what needs to be done in my world as chores, homework, managing my activities, as a form of discipline, as the discipline to not do what would server my best interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am not disciplined, when here I can clearly see, I am very disciplined at being stubborn, and evasive.

Wasting my time, as self destruction, when I see there are things to be done serving my best interest, takes a remarkable amount of discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to squander my discipline on self destruction, instead of self enlightenment, as lightening my load, as doing what I need to do in a timely, senseable, structured manner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immidetely react to the thought of the different things that need to get done in my world with a shortcut, way out, or a scramble to find a way to divert the urgency of the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immidetely look for shortcuts, ways out, and ways to divert the urgency of any given situation on principle, because this is not where I want to align my principles in my life.

I can see with a little more clarity now, in this moment atleast.

I can see myself as the directive principle, able to decide my actions for myself.

I feel like I'm having a panic attack, like I don't know what to do as not being driven by energy.

My current energetic drive is to smash my head against a wall.

So, this is a good time to break through the wall within myself.

Take that wall head smashing energy back to myself, and redirect it towards the wall within me, within my mind.

Much like the Shaowlin monks break bricks and canes, I must break the brick within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with panic as not knowing what to do with myself when I place myself in charge as the directive principle.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not knowing what to do for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require energetic tugs and pulls within me to guide me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking the directive role of pulling myself as pushing myself to do my chores, homework, tasks that would be best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in within my reaction of panic as saying to myself I cannot make decisions, I must be guided externally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn the directive principle of doing the tasks required of me into a tornado of worry and confusion.

Now that the I have settled the storm, I see myself stepping closer to my goal, my goal of dedication and discipline.

I also see myself as having a choice.

I weatherd the storm, and I can see clearly now.

To curl up in a ball, as watching more videos on the internet, just calling it a day, or pushing myself as hard as I can, to write, to study, to devote myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not recognize that in my life I have had choices which defined my character.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for consistently taking the choice that represents me giving up, as watching TV, and playing games, when more lively activites were available.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based solely on my decesion to give in to gluteney and within this not seeing and realizing I have been in a storm my whole life, and that a decesion does not come easily when being torn apart inside by energy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to appreciate the effort I put in for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be patient as giving myself all the time I need to reach my goals.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mad dash towards turning the lights out and tuning off.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expiernece within me an urgency to avoid my problems, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to quickly find ways to avoid my responsibilities instead of finding actions as solutions.

I sit back petrified.

Daily blogging is really messing me up.

All I want to do is go clock out mentally from my day, and I have to sit here in horror as I direct myself to become a living being, to push myself toward my goals, to achieve everything I could ever want for myself as one and equal to that which I might share with another.

I resist mentally, but I do not fight back.

My mind does not think it needs to fight back, because it thinks it has the pocket card, the upper hand.

You're wrong mind, you do need to fight back, because I am the one with the pocket card, I created you, and you must watch as I deconstruct you, and there's nothing you can do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to race against myself as avoiding my responsibilities.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that till death I will always have self responsibility to attend to, so it's not going anywhere.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I must rush and push myself as hard as I can aginast the wall of energy as my mind, because the world around me is falling apart.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to divert my self responsibility as blame toward comparing what I must do for myself as what another must do for themselves.

Yes, someone in poverty has the self responsibility to survive each day, and yes I can accomolish the same point with ease, but it is in not comparing the disproportionate lives of those with, and without, that I can see my self responsibility as someone 'with'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine myself changing the world, saving others, when I cannot even do my homework, and struggle to do my laundry, can hardly maintain myself writting for over an hour without wanting to go do any plethora of things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the responsibilities of others, when I cannot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the equality principle, where one must be held accountable for one, where I may only ever be the change I want to see within myself, as one and equal to the world.

What do I want?

Let that be my responsibility, let it be my guiding hand.

I have only myself to blame, only myself to take on in self honesty.

Let me write it out.

Write atleast once a day.

Evolve from there, wherever possible.

See what I learn, see how I feel after I take another step, and decide from there.

I have all the time in the world.

If someone choses to hit the red button and drop the nuke, do I really think it was because I did not write enough? Was not disciplined enough?

Or is it because I'm so possed by fear of such occcurances, that I don't see my purpose, my purpose is to stand as one, no more, no less, once I'm there, I'll have to see what the next step is, and decide from there.

Equal money is not going to be created out of the love and compassion of man, because from love grows hate...

Equal money will arrive from each one, as each one realize what we give we receive, so stand for no less than the best for all, mathematically.

Frightening... Yet spectacular, given the current situation on earth.

I cannot change the world, no one can change the world, but I can change myself as one and equal to the world, I can give what I'd like to receive.

The principle is to do what is best for all of life...

Because I care so, so, so very much about the suffering and injustice in the world?

No... Because I am life, and I am the one who created the suffering and injustice I see in the world.

I'm the one who could not fix anything, because I did not fix myself, and all I ever had to do was a little homework.