Day 64- Groggy

How I feel in bed, 'I can't believe it's time to get up already'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to feeling groggy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with feeling incapable when I am feeling groggy as disconnected unmotivated not put together.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let grogginess be a source of influence for me where I struggle then to coordinate myself and make decisions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unable to act by consistently giving into grogginess as the desire to sleep in and lounge around before I have to go to work or go to bed or do an activity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how me already defining myself as unable to navigate my world efficiently is the platform for where grogginess can come in and verify my identity as not just defining myself as unable to act and rise to the occasion, but actually feeling it within me as the word groggy as another level of enforcement onto myself as the word as a feeling expression of being weak and needing to do subversive activities to bide my time.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to counter my grogginess by sticking to my plans and not allowing myself to be influenced by this feeling expression of groggy unable to move, unable to act, feeling off kilter.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only act when I feel on the ball, level headed, and stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize how feeling as how I am experiencing myself is such a big factor in how I spend my free time, where I push through grogginess to do the tasks I am obligated for as going into work, but on my free time it is a major point of distress in my life, where I make decisions souly on how I feel.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up for lost time at work where I am forced to deal with my grogginess when I am at home and don't feel I have an obligation to push through such expressions that I hold within me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am obligated to deal with such internal expressions because they will continue to gain traction in my life and affect me if I do not make a real stand through free will as self forgiveness and self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect going to work and being in environments where I am forced to deal with my physical expression in the act of tasks and work to be enough to realive me of this expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use work as an excuse where I expect my grogginess to eventually be overcome by discipline as going to work and pushing through the experiences of resistance as grogginess.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize I am the one who creates grogginess by resisting what must be done as putting roadblocks in my own path.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize pushing through the resistance is not enough because I am not realizing myself as the source cause of the resistance, so I'm just pushing away what I have created without coming to understand how and why and where.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create grogginess when I hold onto the reaction of resistance to taking form as action in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become groggy because I am creating myself as someone who would like to watch TV and Internet and stay in bed as long as I like, but my current state does not permit that activity in anyway except for small alloted amounts.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize I cannot simply change what I have designed as taking new actions of discipline and work and structure and expect my old patterns to just fall away all at once.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize structure, discipline, and work is just one part of what I must give to myself to overcome being groggy, but also must learn constancy where I do not let my actions be influenced even a little by grogginess, and realize how I manifest grogginess even when I am doing what I am suppose to be doing but it still must be walked out in time.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, and direct myself as taking action to the best of my ability without being influenced by how I feel and what it makes me feel like doing when and as I see myself wanting to take a easier less discipline course of action when I feel groggy and not up to the task at hand for whatever reason.

I commit myself to take this step in this moment, as the first step of facing my internal apathy as desire to give up let go and give in, where I sit down and write out of no obligation but to myself, where I am even writing outside of my normal time frame structure, as a means of taking action for myself as in writing this out, I already took the first step in writing despite not feeling like doing so.

So structure, work, and discipline as making money and work and structuring what I can as the rest of my time to write, and managing still an alloted amount of time for other activities is the best path for me right now I am realizing, but there still is and will be everything in-between, that will really make or break me when I hit that crossroad, today it was dealing with some plethora of things that come out of nowhere, but it is how I have faced these things that is afflicting how I will continue to move and navigate moving forward, so I must not judge myself right now, but understand how my reality is unfolding, and understand I have the pieces, but am still required to put them all together as sticking with the decisions I make to budget my time so I reach the point where my actions are my own, and not influenced by for this day the feeling of being off, and not finding the will to make more of myself within my current expression.

I need to emphasize this point more for myself.

Because right now, I have the ability to form relationships spontaneously with people, I have my newly developing work ethic, my writing, my jobs, my family, the money I am learning how to budget, gain, and manage, 2 different homes that I have between where I am currently paying rent, and where my mom has a home that is down the road that she says I am always welcome to, I have my passion, my ambition, my ability to balance my time to make sure I am completing the task, chores, and homework as writing that I demand of myself as self responsibility, I live in a safe place, in a safe country, and I know about the world and politics and am actively seeking to better myself and my understanding of reality...

So I have the pieces.

I have what I need to make a better life for myself, and to share that with others as and for myself as equally.

So with all of this, all of that said, it's funny how I just focus on the worst possible outcomes, don't consider all the pieces, just seeing the ones that I cannot quite place into the puzzle, and so it is in these lost pieces that I give up and give in and am apathetic and begin to feeling groggy.

So the pieces are all there, but it is selfishness, that I have it all, but still refuse to make sense of it, to make it work, to do what I can, in all ways.

So I cannot accept that I ever wake up or go to bed feeling groggy and needing either sleep to sleep it off, or coffee to wake up and get going, I cannot accept myself holding onto this experience.

It's a long road, but I want to enjoy it. Alone but together, separate but equal.

I want to live. I commit myself to live.