Day 55- Internet Addiction

I don't even want to talk about internet addiction.

I don't want to preach about what is already common knowledge.

Everyone's addicted to the Internet.

Everyone who has it... That's a generalization, but I mean that is very common, more so in younger people probably.

It's gross just thinking about it, 'I'm hooked', 'it's in my veins', why is it that it seems so morbid, so gross just to talk about.

I'm physically churning just thinking about my relationship to videos, articles, click bait, social media, texting.

I don't even know where to start.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond to my addiction to internet with total disgust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expiernece disgust where I'd like to bring up a serious issue.

I'd rather respond in disgust then even talk about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respond with disgust because I do not want to even acknowledge that I have a problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that just because I do not acknowledge that I have an internet addiction does not help me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to help myself where I see I have a problem.

I usually don't 'see', I'm usually to busy in my cycle of work to internet to sleep, continued... That I don't recognize it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my habitual cycle prevent me from knowing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the habitual cycle of work, internet, sleep, repeat, exsist as a reflection of my internal creation.

Control... I want to control my world... So I have deviced the perfect system... Money comes from work, then money spend on entertainemnt apposed to essentials, and then sleep because that's a pointless way to live, so sleep let's me recharge all the energy it takes to create such a system...

I'll keep the system going to! I just happen to be limited within my disposal to internet right now... So I'm forced to face myself in this blog... -_-

But, I'm here... I'm writing it... So I can be as spiteful as I please. The ship has already set sail, I'm facing this point, even if it is just because I'm limited to my internet capacity right now -_-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to control my world in such a sad state, where I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have to rely on a'quick fix', as simply taking my internet away on purpose for me to get to point B, which is facing my addiction...

Que sera, sera... I did it, I utilized a quick fix, and I got to point B.

I used malifecent force, as intentionally setting myself up to not be able to use Internet to the extent I am comfortable with, a quick fix, because taking myself away from my problems does not actually stop them, but it assists me in adrssesing them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in the position to my addiction that I require drastic measures to face myself.

... I really want to watch this video of a game I like right now...

God willing I probably will watch it once I am done with this blog, but that is the antithesis of the problem.

I am here facing myself, and my mind wanders, not only in wandering from being here writing, but in total contrast to what I am trying to establish for myself as a degree of self honesty.

So I want to watch this video, and the expiernece is kind of like 'no one can stop me', so I'd use an emoji of a little face with shades on if I knew how to, like a cool dude, like I'm going to watch this video and no one can stop me, like it's cool.

It's just a video series for a game I like to play, a competitive card game.

I could excuse myself saying it's an intellectual game, with numbers, strategy, and competition, but at the same time I'd like to manage more work with Desteni in the community and reading people's blogs.

That's another thing the game (Hearthstone) is a very popular online card game, akin to magic the gathering, or yu-gi-oh, and I feel like I'm part of the community when I play the game and watch the latest events in the community...

But Desteni? How about boring, lame comes to mind... Writing myself out? Drag... Doesn't have dragons, ogeres, mages, spells, warlocks, demons, or elves... Actually Desteni does have dragons, because it'll drag-on forever, like why can't I just have equal money for the whole world by using a spell, like I would in hearthstone, and why can't I say I forgive myself for everything? That would be a much better formula... Real questions.

So I think that speaks for itself honestly.

But at the same time it's right in your face, fantasy is something easy to agree on, we all like to pretend, tune out, and have fun.

I was going to say Hearthstone also has tons of memes, but I've been seeing Destonian's making memes a lot lately... So the community will probably blow up pretty soon, now that we have memes after all.

I go off on a tangent, but it really is hard to face just how much of my life revolves around me deliberately chosing

things I know are not even comparable to something like reading or writing, self forgiveness, introspection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it doesn't matter what I say because I will never be able to go but a few days without wasting my time on the internet/entertainment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to humble myself, as to take a step back and see, I made the decision to restrict myself from using Internet and entertainemnt in a lot of different ways over a brief period of time, I've been writing about it a lot, more then just this one blog.

The seed is already growing.

I gave something to myself.

Something ventured something gained, a new way for the gnomes to say huurraayyy.

So, I want to thank myself, because I know it's not easy making sacrifices, to force myself to do the things I need to, but I'm so grateful that I am taking apart my world like this, and I would recommend anyone involved with self forgiveness to give to yourself the same recognition.

I commit myself to go watch that video I wanted to after this blog...

But what kind of crappy commitment is that?

That's not ... Very productive....

But it does lend itself to a few things.

Reward... Reward myself for all of my hard work...

I give myself a reward, to kick back, and receive a reward, an incentive.

Maybe if I write a blog tomorrow I will receive another treat :)

So basically in doing that, I bring up the point of 'reward', and I will then write that out tomorrow.

Which is another thing, I don't like to feel constricted in what I have to write about, I like to just come across it laxidiasily.

So a double edged sword.

I give myself a gift, but demand I take self responsibility for my gift.

To question, is reward the best way to get myself to do things? Is eating, breathing, and enjoying an incentive to live? A reward?

I commit myself to watch that video I wanted to... But also to take that very point back to myself. To get to point B via reward.