Day 199- Not Sleeping Well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't move myself to sleep well in a way that I wake up refreshed and ready for my entire day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry that I can't move myself to improve my relationship to sleep but instead can only make it worse until I write myself out in self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak for not being able to utilize sleep and manage my own sleep, where I feel like everything is just falling apart.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to use sleep as a way to gain all the energy I need for my day without seeing how my body uses or works with energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized by not being able to get what I want out of my sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can't be victimized by sleep because sleep is a part of me where I'm creating the action of sleep so I'm then creating my own victimization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself hostage as self victimization, as I'm going to punish myself until I start sleeping better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebel against myself for punishing myself out of spite for not sleeping well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a bizarre personality conflict surrounding my sleeping instead of just opening up the point in self honesty and resolving it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face any change in my sleep unless it's exactly what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not open up the point of sleep and actually address what can and needs to be done out of stubbornness and spite.

When and as I see myself being angry that I have not slept well when I wake up, I stop, I breathe, I realize there's no one to blame but myself for not resolving my relationship to sleep, for not taking on self responsibility as a part of all things in my life, thusly, I commit myself to take self responsibility for my sleep, so if I wake up feeling horrible and not wanting to get out of bed and just go back to sleep I accept that this is what I'm doing to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up not prepared to face the day on an emotional level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my emotions to the degree that I would rely on sleep to soul give me the strength and movement to deal with myself the next day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that sleep from a point of separation cannot support me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsibility for dealing with my emotions and everything else involved in the next day, while utilizing sleep to support me within that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize if I'm relying on sleep to help me get through the day, I'm not relying on myself, so nothing good would come from relying on sleep in separation of self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed that I asked sleep to do something for me that I need to be doing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for asking of sleep to do something for me that it would not be right for sleep to do for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not forgive myself of what I've expected of sleep and just move on and change to someone who doesn't ask sleep to fix my problems.

When and as I see myself hopping that sleep will support me with my problems the next day, I stop, I breathe, I realize I need to take self responsibility for my own problems for and as myself and that's the only way sleep can support me is once I'm supporting myself, thusly, I commit myself to utilize sleep to realize where I stand in realizing that sleep is just reflecting me back to myself, and that in standing one and equal to sleep, sleep will help me if I'm helping myself.

So sleep is only going to help me I help myself.

What's really been on my mind a lot, is how I'm starting to see how the amount of self forgiveness I put into a single day will pay off, in supporting me within my day, making my day better, making my day less struggle, helping me enjoy things, helping me do something good with my life, helping me develop my skills and abilities as a person.

So more then ever I'm realizing how self forgiveness is an obligation to myself, not by god or authority, but to myself as life, and the more I find myself in conflict with realizing that the excuses I make to not write more aren't sufficient, and I'm not doing the best I can, within reasonable expectations.

So if sleep is going to help me, I need to help myself and face this point of contention within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting that I'm not doing the most I could for myself and thusly causing more pain and suffering in my life then needed due to personality systems of laziness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting my laziness out of fear of retaliation against myself out of judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify laziness out of fear of being retaliated against by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support my laziness by judging myself and causing me to fear retaliation out of hate and spite for causing unnecessary pain and suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight against the stream by creating more conflict then resolution because I don't want to sit down and actually address my concern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my concern that my laziness is greatly inhibiting my well being and success of life for myself and all of life as one and equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize nothing has to change and nothing bad will happen to just sit down and address my concerns with myself in self honesty, and that if I'm going to end up fighting with myself then I have no choice but to wait it out and give myself the time I need to write things out until I can move myself into action.

When and as I see myself fearing the conflict of how much to push myself in relationship to writing self forgiveness, I stop, I breathe, I realize sometimes fighting with myself will set me back, and sometimes I will be successful, but in the end it's a matter of time and application and a matter of defining for myself what I can do for me and why I need to do it over time, thusly, I commit myself to be patient with myself while I am still defining things like what is a priority to write out, how much to write out any given point, how much application will have to go into any given point I write about, how much will it take of me to write out any given point.

I realize no matter how much I write, writing self forgiveness does take a lot out of me, and with each passing day does build that fortitude drive and discipline, so to embrace that and keep pushing myself without judgement, I will get where I need to go, but drawing that line and establishing what I want accomplished and how much it's going to take to get there is another matter to begin opening up.

One part of the whole paradigm works like, if I have a good day at work, I don't feel as tired, and I can exercise and write more when I get out of work... But it takes exercise and writing to have a good day for myself, so it becomes a weird paradigm where I really have to define and build and sculpt myself to realize how to put all these pieces together, and it's such a weight to burden that I put all my hope on sleep because it's the one time I can shut all my minds anguish off, but it doesn't really shut off I just become unaware of it because I wake up feeling horrible lately.

So, that's all there is too it, to make this balance work, to stop abusing sleep or cigarettes, or overeating, or being lazy, I just need to take responsibility for this balance within myself.

To balance the cycle of writing self forgiveness to support me within my day, so during my day I will have the strength will and energy to write more self forgiveness which will then feed into my next day, as well as also just to realize I can over do it in writing, where I'm writing expecting the act it self to fix me, and can be lazy and selfish in that regard too, so really just developing my common sense and stability in self forgiveness and how it can support me during my day is the key to my life right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take self responsibility for my self forgiveness cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the days where I know I didn't push myself hard enough in writing to give myself the tools to support myself during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the days when I've written out my mind in ideas and thoughts and didn't really give myself the force and capacity of self to move myself through my day leaving me just as let down as if I hadn't written at all.

So, realizing there is that degree where I need to take a break play a game watch a show, don't let my head get too much into my writing, just as I can't take breaks for so long between writing that I find myself not just plateauing but causing myself to fall behind a healthy pace of self movement and self trust that I will face the problems in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive self forgiveness as something that will always bring goodness into my life, without realizing it's a responsibility as a tool that needs to be properly utilized and managed.

There's been times I've dismissed the tool all together, and times I saw it as the only thing in life that mattered and my means to ascend as a person, but I think the conflict within me, is a good thing, in that I'm realizing the balance, the stability, realizing what's going to come up tomorrow, and how much is enough to write about it before I face it, establishing the trust of saying this is how much you need to do, and doing it without resistance or question, establishing the bar and not thinking twice to achieve that goal.

It's immensely, unbelievable, it's not even something that is dealt with by humans, so being kind of lazy is not that big of a deal, to just sit down and address it here I see and am opening the immense nature of what I'm facing and why I would as a programmed person react to what I'm seeing.

To set that bar, to say tomorrow, you're not going to be in pain and suffering from your mind in energy, because today I'm going to do what it will take to support you tomorrow in writing, where nothing cannot be addressed, where there is no limit to the capacity I can support myself in self forgiveness, to see tomorrow as boundless where it's only up to me to set the bar and find a good balance and progression to stand by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am alone in existence to decide how much am i going to support life, and how much am i going to fall before the systems I've created to enslave myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not doing enough as I realize I must take authority over what is enough.

To self honestly admit that to do nothing but writing for me would be a mistake, I would just do it blindly expecting results, to not write self forgiveness at all has failed me as well, to listen specifically to what everyone else has gone through and as to say, vs to blindly follow what other people say, vs to not listen to anyone at all and not consider that other's are all walking their own process and all have something to shared about what's happening here on earth.

I can see where I'm paralyzed, afraid to push myself too hard, and afraid to be deceived by myself, afraid not to push myself hard enough, and afraid to fall behind that line of consistency and security I want to draw out.

I can see why I get tired and want everything to fall away and resolve itself in sleep, I can see why throwing myself into my writing for hours on end only to find I was not really doing it from the right place can make it seem inane and random, where it's just a coin flip of if I'm going to find the insight I need.

When and as I see myself fearing the responsibility of drawing that line of how much self forgiveness to do in a day, and what to do it about, I stop, I breathe, I realize that when looking at what I'm concerned about without judgment I do have valid concerns, and am walking those concerns out in time appropriately, thusly, I commit myself to stop being afraid as I realize this fear is coming from judgment, and as of right now in looking at the matter in self honesty the best I can at this time without judgement I see that I have valid concern and am walking this line out and defining it appropriately day by day, without falter.

So in regards to sleep again, when I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep good at all, and feeling like all I need is more sleep, I realize what I'm not seeing is how big the torch is I've given to myself, that I haven't even realized I'm taking on the torch to walk myself out as life and all the responsibility that comes with that living.

I realize that I can no longer play the bystander waiting for the world to resolve itself and busy with my own process separated from the whole, just as I can't blindly follow what other's have to say or blindly seek resolution for my problems though the information other's have gathered, so defining myself and creating my pace and my movement into life, my birth as life, is the kind of torch that anyone would wake up feeling depleted from carrying if they did not manage it for themselves, and by themselves alone.

I commit myself to take self responsibility for my torch.